truthfully critique my statement Forum

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streiman

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truthfully critique my statement

Post by streiman » Mon Aug 23, 2021 5:50 pm

i don’t know if i can share a file or not so i’m just pasting it below!! thank you so much for taking the time to read it.

An integral characteristic of my personality is that I strive for the courage to defend the dignity of others. It is a quality that I developed at a young age and was a central component in defining moments of my adolescence and now, adulthood. This quality has been notably evident at three distinct moments of my life: supporting LGBTQ+ rights at the age of twelve, defending my high school mentor, and advocating for safer gun laws.
When I was twelve years old, I attended a religious school. I was far from a troublemaker, which lent to my shock when a priest told me that I had intrinsic evil in my soul and that I was going to hell. A few days prior, I told my religion teacher that I did not believe that homosexuality was a sin or that anyone should be treated differently based on their sexual orientation. I was young and impressionable, and the school leaders made me feel my beliefs were wrong. I thought I could trust those in authority and that they would help guide me to improve myself. After a few days of introspection however, I realized I should not compromise my beliefs simply because I was told to do so. I made the decision to suffer whatever consequences necessary to show compassion to a group of people whom I felt were unfairly discriminated against.
I encountered a similar situation when I was seventeen. A teacher at my high school taught a factual lesson on the historical timeline of the church’s views on abortion, which some found controversial due to the subject matter. False information quickly spread about the lesson, which led to widespread castigation of the teacher by the students and parents, and ultimately resulted in a petition to have him fired. Having been mentored by the teacher for over two years, I knew he had good intentions, and more importantly, I knew the positive impact he had on the students at my high school, so I created a petition in his support. My petition outlined the true content and intent of the lesson and attested to the teacher’s character. It was endorsed by several
news outlets and became a popular topic on social media. Consequently, it received over five thousand signatures and was recognized by the head of my school, who went on to release a statement defending and fully supporting the teacher. I realized then the power of righteous action in the face of injustice.
Recently, I had another opportunity to fight for the greater good: I established a social activist group with other students at my university. This group fought for stricter gun laws, in support of those who have lost their lives to gun violence. In our efforts to create change, my group called local policymakers to advocate for stricter gun laws and worked to inform our peers about gun violence in America. Although my group of student activists was small, we had a meaningful presence on a local level. Moreover, I believe that by joining with other groups and expanding our reach, groups like mine can make an impact on a national level.
The desire to be an advocate for social change is what compels me to go to law school–becoming a lawyer will give me the ultimate opportunity to fight for others in my daily life. Law is not just a profession; it is a medium through which I will serve people and support them in their most vulnerable moments. I believe that the law is the most powerful tool with which to advocate for rights. The law sets norms for society. Having the capacity to understand the law, to interpret the law, and to wield the law is indispensable to shaping norms in a liberal society. Given that, a legal education is my clearest path forward to advocating for equality and social change.

LBJ's Hair

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Re: truthfully critique my statement

Post by LBJ's Hair » Mon Aug 23, 2021 6:16 pm

I pick either the second or third story and make your whole personal statement about it.

What you've got here is three resume bullet points, plus an opening paragraph saying "these things illustrate how I am a good person who wants to help people" and a closing paragraph saying "law will help me help people"

Not an interesting read.

LBJ's Hair

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Re: truthfully critique my statement

Post by LBJ's Hair » Mon Aug 23, 2021 8:21 pm

(that might have come across a bit harsh. what I was trying to say is, basically - you have these three things you're building your statement around, but you don't tell us very much about what happened in each of them. it's like, "I did this thing, so I learned X. I did this thing, so I learned Y. I did this thing, I learned Z." a lot of "tell," not much "show."

a better course IMO would be to pick one of the latter two stories and make that the centerpiece of your whole personal statement. then you can expand on what it was like to build your activist group or whatever. that's more interesting to read.)

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