Feedback on my Personal Statement Forum

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spikesjb

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Feedback on my Personal Statement

Post by spikesjb » Mon Aug 02, 2021 6:55 pm

Tell me what you think. Don't be afraid to be honest. This is the first draft:

Oh boy, do I love to explain things. Do you want to know how the crusades helped to fuel the renaissance? Can I explain to you why elephants have such large ears? Do you want to know why in Raphael’s painting “The School of Athens,” Plato is depicted pointing to the sky, while Aristotle points forward? Do you want to know? No? Are you sure?

Not surprisingly, the most fun that I have ever had in a work environment was when I was tasked with giving several separate presentations explaining how electronic, custom order forms work to the inside sales team at *insert company name*. For security reasons, many suppliers in the medical industry still use fax machines and paper forms to receive orders. This method is so antiquated that it is the least likely to result in a breach of Protected Health Information (PHI), but its sluggishness means that some medical providers do not want to go through the process of submitting orders. My task was to explain to the sales team that they can work with their accounts to build a custom order form. This form can pull patient data from an electronic medical record (EMR), and then transmit that data directly to Exact Science’s fulfillment center.

In Philosophy, there are considered to be two ways that someone can attain knowledge: a posteriori, meaning from experience, and a priori, meaning--roughly--from deduction. For example, I a posteriori understood what a custom order form was because I had worked with an account of mine to build one (the experience), and it was my task to educate my colleagues a priori on what a custom order form was by exhibiting that it is functionally equivalent to a normal order form (the deduction). To do this, my presentation began with two slides: the first slide showed our normal order form that is faxed, the second showed the custom order form that I had helped to build. I then told each of my audiences that while these two forms look different, it can be deduced that they are functionally the same because they transmit the exact same data, with the caveat that the one of them does this in a much more efficient way.

Plato might actually have enjoyed this discussion. In Plato’s version of theology (or metaphysics), all entities that we perceive with our senses are tied to what he referred to as an “ideal form.” All things that are beautiful, for example, are merely a reconfiguration of the ideal form of beauty, and so on. For Plato, these ideal forms have an almost divine stature to them, which is why Raphael depicted him pointing to the sky. By contrast, Aristotle--who was more empirical--points outward, in front of himself, indicating his belief that a true understanding of our reality must come from our perception. Extrapolating from Plato’s thought, he might have considered the patient information to be the ideal form, and that the two order forms are merely reconfigurations of that information.

I want to go to law school and become a lawyer one day for the same reasons that presentation has so far been the zenith of my professional career: my love of providing insights and explanations, and my fascination with abstract concepts, like Knowledge and Justice. In an effort to avoid being a reconfiguration of the ideal form of naivete, I will concede that I know that not everything a lawyer does is as romantic as delivering a heartfelt presentation that derives insight from different schools of philosophy. But lawyers certainly have to be proficient communicators, whether they are speaking to a jury, or a client, or an international arbitrator. And more than perhaps any other vocation (outside of literally being a philosophy professor), lawyers have to consider--and then communicate--answers to abstract questions, like when does protected speech become hate speech, or when does involuntary manslaughter become premeditated murder? Just like Plato and Aristotle devoted their professional careers to the pursuit of knowledge and ethics, I want to dedicate my own career to that other school of moral philosophy: Justice.

Hey, do you want to know why--just kidding. Kind of.

spikesjb

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Re: Feedback on my Personal Statement

Post by spikesjb » Tue Aug 03, 2021 11:02 am

Also, more info on me:

Lsat: 168
GPA: 2.93
Years of Work Experience: +4
Majors: Philosophy + History
Home State: NJ
Undergrad: Big 10

CanadianWolf

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Re: Feedback on my Personal Statement

Post by CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 24, 2021 3:52 pm

Your proposed law school PS is terrible. Please consider starting over.

Try to read a compilation of law school personal statements. Several books are available which contain well written law school personal statements.

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Pneumonia

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Re: Feedback on my Personal Statement

Post by Pneumonia » Tue Aug 24, 2021 4:45 pm

spikesjb wrote:
Mon Aug 02, 2021 6:55 pm
Tell me what you think. Don't be afraid to be honest. This is the first draft:

Oh boy, do I love to explain things. Do you want to know how the crusades helped to fuel the renaissance? Can I explain to you why elephants have such large ears? Do you want to know why in Raphael’s painting “The School of Athens,” Plato is depicted pointing to the sky, while Aristotle points forward? Do you want to know? No? Are you sure? Cut this paragraph. The multiple questions are annoying, and the trivia is not particularly novel (I know 2 of the 3, and could guess at the other).

Not surprisingly, the most fun that I have ever had in a work environment was when I
[+] Spoiler
was tasked with giving
gave several separate presentations explaining how electronic, custom order forms work to the inside sales team at *insert company name*. For security reasons, many suppliers in the medical industry still use fax machines and paper forms to receive orders. This method is so antiquated that it is the least likely to result in a breach of Protected Health Information (PHI) why abbreviate?, but its sluggishness means that some medical providers do not want to go through the process of submitting orders. My task was to explain to the sales team that they can work with their accounts to build a custom order form. This form can pull patient data from an electronic medical record (EMR), and then transmit that data directly to Exact Science’s fulfillment center. This paragraph is clunky and could be much shorter. I also don't quite understand it.

Need a better transition. Make sure to use topic sentences. In Philosophy, both experience and deduction can generate knowledge.
[+] Spoiler
there are considered to be two ways that someone can attain knowledge: a posteriori, meaning from experience, and a priori, meaning--roughly--from deduction.
For example, I a posteriori understood what a custom order form was because I had worked with an account of mine to build one (the experience), and it was my task to educate my colleagues a priori on what a custom order form was by exhibiting that it is functionally equivalent to a normal order form (the deduction). This sentence is too long and too confusing. Get rid of the latin and shorten as I did the first sentence of this paragraph. To do this, my presentation began with two slides: the first slide showed our who is "our"? normal order form that is faxed, fix comma splicethe second showed the custom order form that I had helped to build. I then told each of my audiences that while these two forms look different, it can be deduced that they are functionally the same because they transmit the exact same data, with the caveat that the one of them does this in a much more efficient way. Decent story but could be way shorter.

Plato might actually have enjoyed this discussion. In Plato’s version of theology (or metaphysics), all entities that we perceive with our senses are tied to what he referred to as an “ideal form.” All things that are beautiful, for example, are merely a reconfiguration of the ideal form of beauty, and so on. For Plato, these ideal forms have an almost divine stature to them, which is why Raphael depicted him pointing to the sky. By contrast, Aristotle--who was more empirical--points outward, in front of himself, indicating his belief that a true understanding of our reality must come from our perception. This is a good callback, but try to tighten it. Extrapolating from Plato’s thought, he might have considered the patient information to be the ideal form, and that the two order forms are merely reconfigurations of that information. This is a good paragraph, but you need to tighten it and work hard on everything that comes before it.

I want to go to law school and become a lawyer one day for the same reasons that presentation has so far been the zenith of my professional career: my love of providing insights and explanations, and my fascination with abstract concepts, like Knowledge and Justice. If giving a powerpoint has been the "zenith" of your career, then why would any school want to admit you? Just say it is a good example. In an effort to avoid being a reconfiguration of the ideal form of naivete, I will concede that I know that not everything a lawyer does is as romantic as delivering a heartfelt presentation that derives insight from different schools of philosophy. Delete the previous sentence. But lawyers certainly have to be proficient communicators, whether they are speaking to a jury, or a client, or an international arbitrator. And more than perhaps any other vocation (outside of literally being a philosophy professor), lawyers have to consider--and then communicate--answers to abstract questions, like when does protected speech become hate speech, or when does involuntary manslaughter become premeditated murder? Just like Plato and Aristotle devoted their professional careers to the pursuit of knowledge and ethics, I want to dedicate my own career to that other school of moral philosophy: Justice. Civil lawyers don't pursue "justice." Are you saying you want to be a criminal lawyer? This paragraph is pretty confused.

Hey, do you want to know why--just kidding. Kind of. Delete this.
You could make this into something good, but it isn't good right now. It is too disjointed, and you've used too many words. On the other hand, other than "zenith" and the lating, you haven't fallen into the trap of using a thesaurus in every sentence. You should work to tighten this, focusing on your topic sentences, and on connecting the overall piece. Right now it reads like several independent paragraphs that could be rearranged into any order.

tlsguy2020

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Re: Feedback on my Personal Statement

Post by tlsguy2020 » Tue Aug 24, 2021 7:07 pm

spikesjb wrote:
Mon Aug 02, 2021 6:55 pm
Tell me what you think. Don't be afraid to be honest. This is the first draft:

Oh boy, do I love to explain things. Do you want to know how the crusades helped to fuel the renaissance? Can I explain to you why elephants have such large ears? Do you want to know why in Raphael’s painting “The School of Athens,” Plato is depicted pointing to the sky, while Aristotle points forward? Do you want to know? No? Are you sure? This paragraph sounds like you are trying too hard to be smart. The rhetorical questions are hokey, and more people than you realize know about these topics. I think it needs to be taken out.

Not surprisingly, the most fun that I have ever had in a work environment was when I was tasked with giving several separate presentations explaining how electronic, custom order forms work to the inside sales team at *insert company name*. Change to active voice and cut down on number of words used. For security reasons, many suppliers in the medical industry still use fax machines and paper forms to receive orders. This method is so antiquated that it is the least likely to result in a breach of Protected Health Information (PHI), but its sluggishness means that some medical providers do not want to go through the process of submitting orders.Too in-the-weeds, but regardless, should be changed to active voice and possibly split into two sentences. My task was to explain to the sales team that they can work with their accounts to build a custom order form.Passive voice This form can pull patient data from an electronic medical record (EMR), and then transmit that data directly to [FYI you put the employer name here. I deleted it in the quote but recommend you also edit your original post to anonymize’s fulfillment center.

In Philosophy, there are considered to be two ways that someone can attain knowledge: a posteriori, meaning from experience, and a priori, meaning--roughly--from deduction. Passive voice.
There are many philosophical understandings of knowledge. Rephrase so it does not sound like you're making a blanket statement about a huge field.
For example, I a posteriori understood what a custom order form was because I had worked with an account of mine to build one (the experience), and it was my task to educate my colleagues a priori on what a custom order form was by exhibiting that it is functionally equivalent to a normal order form (the deduction). Too long. Passive voice.
Too in the weeds.
To do this, my presentation began with two slides: the first slide showed our normal order form that is faxed, the second showed the custom order form that I had helped to build. Too in the weeds. I then told each of my audiences that while these two forms look different, it can be deduced that they are functionally the same because they transmit the exact same data, with the caveat that the one of them does this in a much more efficient way. Pasive voice. Too wordy. Too in the weeds.

Plato might actually have enjoyed this discussion. Take this line out; way too pretentious. In Plato’s version of theology (or metaphysics), all entities that we perceive with our senses are tied to what he referred to as an “ideal form.” Passive voice; wordy. All things that are beautiful, for example, are merely a reconfiguration of the ideal form of beauty, and so on. Passive voice. What does "so on" mean? For Plato, these ideal forms have an almost divine stature to them, which is why Raphael depicted him pointing to the sky. By contrast, Aristotle--who was more empirical--points outward, in front of himself, indicating his belief that a true understanding of our reality must come from our perception. Extrapolating from Plato’s thought, he might have considered the patient information to be the ideal form, and that the two order forms are merely reconfigurations of that information. ???

I want to go to law school and become a lawyer one day for the same reasons that presentation has so far been the zenith of my professional career: my love of providing insights and explanations, and my fascination with abstract concepts, like Knowledge and Justice. Way too wordy. In an effort to avoid being a reconfiguration of the ideal form of naivete, I will concede that I know that not everything a lawyer does is as romantic as delivering a heartfelt presentation that derives insight from different schools of philosophy. "Reconfiguration of the ideal form of naivete" - language like this sounds really pretentious. I always recommend avoiding "fancy writing." But lawyers certainly have to be proficient communicators, whether they are speaking to a jury, or a client, or an international arbitrator. And more than perhaps any other vocation (outside of literally being a philosophy professor), lawyers have to consider--and then communicate--answers to abstract questions, like when does protected speech become hate speech, or when does involuntary manslaughter become premeditated murder? Too long. Analogy seems somewhat of a stretch.Just like Plato and Aristotle devoted their professional careers to the pursuit of knowledge and ethics, I want to dedicate my own career to that other school of moral philosophy: Justice. There have been no references to justice. Why do you want to dedicate your career to justice? What does justice mean to you?

Hey, do you want to know why--just kidding. Kind of.Try to avoid cutesy gimmicks like this.
Hey so I put in some comments above. I am sorry if they come off as harsh. I do not intend them to be rude -- just want to offer some thoughts. Broadly, the philosophy thread seems to be a comparison between Platonic and Aristotelian views of knowledge. A more compelling statement would have you use your experience to (somewhat) pick a side. Then, you can draw out that you love to obtain knowledge through deduction (is that what you were trying to get at above?) and that you can do so as a lawyer.

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spikesjb

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Re: Feedback on my Personal Statement

Post by spikesjb » Thu Aug 26, 2021 12:32 pm

spikesjb wrote:
Mon Aug 02, 2021 6:55 pm
Tell me what you think. Don't be afraid to be honest. This is the first draft:

Oh boy, do I love to explain things. Do you want to know how the crusades helped to fuel the renaissance? Can I explain to you why elephants have such large ears? Do you want to know why in Raphael’s painting “The School of Athens,” Plato is depicted pointing to the sky, while Aristotle points forward? Do you want to know? No? Are you sure?

Not surprisingly, the most fun that I have ever had in a work environment was when I was tasked with giving several separate presentations explaining how electronic, custom order forms work to the inside sales team at *insert company name*. For security reasons, many suppliers in the medical industry still use fax machines and paper forms to receive orders. This method is so antiquated that it is the least likely to result in a breach of Protected Health Information (PHI), but its sluggishness means that some medical providers do not want to go through the process of submitting orders. My task was to explain to the sales team that they can work with their accounts to build a custom order form. This form can pull patient data from an electronic medical record (EMR), and then transmit that data directly to ANONYMIZED fulfillment center.

In Philosophy, there are considered to be two ways that someone can attain knowledge: a posteriori, meaning from experience, and a priori, meaning--roughly--from deduction. For example, I a posteriori understood what a custom order form was because I had worked with an account of mine to build one (the experience), and it was my task to educate my colleagues a priori on what a custom order form was by exhibiting that it is functionally equivalent to a normal order form (the deduction). To do this, my presentation began with two slides: the first slide showed our normal order form that is faxed, the second showed the custom order form that I had helped to build. I then told each of my audiences that while these two forms look different, it can be deduced that they are functionally the same because they transmit the exact same data, with the caveat that the one of them does this in a much more efficient way.

Plato might actually have enjoyed this discussion. In Plato’s version of theology (or metaphysics), all entities that we perceive with our senses are tied to what he referred to as an “ideal form.” All things that are beautiful, for example, are merely a reconfiguration of the ideal form of beauty, and so on. For Plato, these ideal forms have an almost divine stature to them, which is why Raphael depicted him pointing to the sky. By contrast, Aristotle--who was more empirical--points outward, in front of himself, indicating his belief that a true understanding of our reality must come from our perception. Extrapolating from Plato’s thought, he might have considered the patient information to be the ideal form, and that the two order forms are merely reconfigurations of that information.

I want to go to law school and become a lawyer one day for the same reasons that presentation has so far been the zenith of my professional career: my love of providing insights and explanations, and my fascination with abstract concepts, like Knowledge and Justice. In an effort to avoid being a reconfiguration of the ideal form of naivete, I will concede that I know that not everything a lawyer does is as romantic as delivering a heartfelt presentation that derives insight from different schools of philosophy. But lawyers certainly have to be proficient communicators, whether they are speaking to a jury, or a client, or an international arbitrator. And more than perhaps any other vocation (outside of literally being a philosophy professor), lawyers have to consider--and then communicate--answers to abstract questions, like when does protected speech become hate speech, or when does involuntary manslaughter become premeditated murder? Just like Plato and Aristotle devoted their professional careers to the pursuit of knowledge and ethics, I want to dedicate my own career to that other school of moral philosophy: Justice.

Hey, do you want to know why--just kidding. Kind of.

CanadianWolf

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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Feedback on my Personal Statement

Post by CanadianWolf » Sat Aug 28, 2021 11:58 am

Your personal statement is atrocious, but you are persistent.

If you insist on using this writing as your personal statement, then delete the first two paragraphs & delete the last sentence.

hzgeng

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Re: Feedback on my Personal Statement

Post by hzgeng » Sun Dec 12, 2021 12:41 am

Tbh I really dont think that it is a good ps. Its boring to read. U might think that mentioning of plato all those abstract stuff is really cool. But its not. And I dont see the connection between ur story and why u wanna be a lawyer. I'm really sorry if my comment come harsh. Btw do not try to play cute.
If I were you ill write another one. Good luck

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