Help with what I feel is my FINAL, or close to Final Draft Forum

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Anonymous User
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Help with what I feel is my FINAL, or close to Final Draft

Post by Anonymous User » Wed Oct 28, 2020 3:18 pm

If anyone has the time, please let me know what you think of my personal statement. I had a few lawyers look at it, as well as professors and a few other people. I am a reach for some schools I am applying to so I want to nail this. Thanks!


I was 12 years old when my father was forced to leave the United States and return to Mexico. My siblings and I were sitting on the couch when my mother and father explained that his paperwork to obtain citizenship could not be finalized and he had no other choice but to leave us. My parents struggled to hide their concern for our future as a family. There was uncertainty as to how my mother would handle the job of raising three near teenagers on her own, if we’d have to go days or weeks at a time without water or electricity, and, most importantly, when he would come back. My father was not alone in his struggle to attain citizenship. I had aunts and uncles who were forced to return to Mexico after being denied any form of resident status. I have cousins who, as American citizens, would be raised in Mexico after spending the first ten years of their lives in the United States. At the time, I was certain my family’s experience was singular and isolated, but as I pursued an education, I learned that it was unfortunately, quite common and part of the United States’ historical treatment of immigrants.
While earning my undergraduate degree, I learned about political history, immigrant experiences, civil rights, and social movements. What stood out to me the most during this time were the injustices and human rights’ violations that occurred in the United States. The more I learned, the more I related my own experiences to policies that have created obstacles and challenges for me in my life as well as the greater Latinx community. Life is difficult for immigrants; applying for healthcare, obtaining identification, and being ineligible for college scholarships makes securing a happy and healthy life challenging. I was learning that this was a direct result of decades of anti-immigrant sentiment both regionally and nationally.
After graduation, I continued to educate myself about the current immigration policies and the challenges of navigating a broken system, which led me to activism. My initial exposure to activism, and a defining moment for me, was after the 2016 election. I had the opportunity to assist in holding a local rally called “Love Trumps Hate” in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The rally aimed to unite people from all communities who faced similar circumstances and feared for their families, or themselves. I later co-founded the Latino Democrats of Allen County in 2018, dedicated to empowering the Latinx community in my city. The mission of the caucus is to encourage the Latinx community’s involvement in the political process and to highlight how critical political issues directly affect our communities.
The more experience I gain speaking with individuals and groups about both my personal experiences and the historical and systemic challenges immigrants face, the more I have come to thrive as an activist. I have seen first-hand the barriers my father combatted trying to attain citizenship. Like my father, many individuals in my community live in a perpetual state of fear that even a minor traffic infraction could lead to their deportation. Through my work as an activist, I hope to improve the lives of immigrants in my community and change the system that leaves them so vulnerable.
History taught me how the world has been shaped by our politics, but my time as a political activist has shown me that our history and our voice play a role in dictating our future. Demanding change where injustices happen is where I am comfortable and outspoken. I want to use my personal experiences, knowledge of the past, and drive to affect change so that I may make a more meaningful impact on future battles for civil rights and equality. I empathize with the adversities immigrants and first-generation Americans face because I live it each day. I am pursuing a legal career to keep families together in the United States and assist immigrants in their path towards American citizenship.

CanadianWolf

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Re: Help with what I feel is my FINAL, or close to Final Draft

Post by CanadianWolf » Sat Nov 07, 2020 7:07 am

This draft of your personal statement is adequate to satisfy the application requirement.

Weaknesses are that it is repetitive, obvious, and a bit boring. Needs to be condensed.

Stephgflores

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Re: Help with what I feel is my FINAL, or close to Final Draft

Post by Stephgflores » Sun Nov 08, 2020 8:24 pm

Hi,
I think your draft is good. I think the beginning could be better and grasp the reader more. The content is really touching, it's just the way you wrote that came off monotone and as a matter of fact, rather than you painting an emotional picture. I think you should re-write the beginning and write in descriptive detail. i.e. I came home after school and my father was gone. I asked my mom where he went. She had a blank stare on her face.
I think descriptive detail and story-telling is important when writing a personal statement.

gracchusb

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Re: Help with what I feel is my FINAL, or close to Final Draft

Post by gracchusb » Sun Jul 04, 2021 2:11 pm

This is a great story, but it seems like it would fit even better as a diversity statement (if you don't have anything else planned). As another commenter mentioned it could probably be condensed into 1 double spaced page.

hzgeng

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Re: Help with what I feel is my FINAL, or close to Final Draft

Post by hzgeng » Sun Dec 12, 2021 12:47 am

Good story! but it can be better! Ur first para is pretty good. But second and third para is a little bit boring. After all I would say that it is an acceptable ps.

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