Would you be willing to provide critical feedback on my personal statement Forum

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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jacoblawschool77

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Would you be willing to provide critical feedback on my personal statement

Post by jacoblawschool77 » Thu Oct 08, 2020 12:06 am

Hello everyone,

Thank you in advance for your help! In the words of another poster, "Show no mercy!" If you'd like me to take a look at your personal statement in return, feel free to send me a DM! Here's what I've written:

The smell of coffee filling my nostrils, the noises of chickens resonating through the damp air of the crowded bus aisle, I crossed into the village of Haupu for the first time. In the mountainous Ermera district of Timor-Leste, a small island in Southeast Asia, I found myself in a world far different from that in which I was raised. Upon my arrival, I was greeted in Tetum by the host family with whom I would spend the next two years of my life: “Di’ak ka lae, Maun Jacob?”

In the first few months of my assignment as a Peace Corps volunteer, I spent my time drinking remarkably sweet coffee with my host family and neighbors, stumbling through conversations in broken Tetum, clearing coffee fields with members of a nearby agriculture cooperative and giving sports and English classes to local children. There were many exciting moments, as everything was new. Yet there were other times when I doubted if I was making any meaningful difference, when I felt like giving up and going home. So why did I go to Timor-Leste in the first place, and why did I stay?

My passion for public service goes back to my childhood in Springfield, Missouri, when I spent my evenings and weekends serving as a volunteer musician at the Pentecostal church I was raised in. Later, as I spent time as an undergraduate in Oxford, UK and Washington, D.C., my vision of the public good began to change. I began to deconstruct the faith-based worldview I grew up with, and I was inspired by global development work I was learning about in Washington. I began to see myself having a career working for secular, technocratic, non-partisan development organizations. After completing my undergraduate degree in only two-and-a-half years, I enrolled in an accelerated master’s program in management to develop skills that would help me fulfill this vision. When almost all of my peers took domestic jobs in business upon graduation, I joined the Peace Corps to continue in my public service trajectory. While my view of the common good and how I want to pursue it have evolved, a commitment to public service has always been an essential part of who I am.

My most rewarding project as a Peace Corps volunteer was an integrated agriculture-aquaculture project I completed with the members of a local farming cooperative. We organized a meeting to identify their needs, and the group’s priority became clear: running water. Together, we developed a work plan and a compelling grant proposal. We would install two water tanks and a system to pump water up a hill from a nearby stream, dig fish ponts, build chicken coops above them and create a small garden fertilized by the ponds’ runoff. In the evenings, I would facilitate capacity-building workshops on water project implementation, fish and pond maintenance, raising and caring for chickens, project management and nutrition. Our grant proposal won funding, but challenges still lay ahead.

When work on our project was delayed, I just kept on climbing up the hill to the cluster of homes in which the group members lived. Over coffee, we would agree on what to do next. And we kept moving forward, bit by bit. When we had finished installing the water system, a group of community members gathered to see the water flow. We switched on the electric pump, and we waited. Minutes passed, and nothing happened. My work counterpart told me not to worry, since we hadn’t yet completed a traditional ceremony associated with tapping a water source for the first time. But I was afraid.

We tried changing the hose’s path. This helped, but the water pressure was still too low. We tried connecting the pump to a different electrical outlet. Nothing changed. Just as everyone was getting ready to leave, we tried adjusting a hidden sensor in the pump. My work partner and I heard yells from up the hill, and we realized that the water had begun to flow. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. And in that moment, I felt sure that I had made a small, but real difference in the lives of my neighbors.

The challenges I faced as a Peace Corps volunteer tested my commitment to public service, but I left Timor-Leste more dedicated than ever. I also learned that I enjoyed living abroad and could learn a foreign language. This led me to move to Mexico City to develop advanced Spanish-language skills that would enable me to engage seriously with development issues affecting Latin America. It was also while serving as a Peace Corps volunteer that I decided to become a lawyer. For me, a career in law offers a clear path to strategic-level work that makes a difference. In particular, I am interested in transactional and advisory work with international development organizations that work in Latin America, such as the World Bank, the Inter-American Development Bank, USAID and Oxfam. The law is also closely related to many of the key challenges faced by developing countries in the region, such as the development of effective, democratic institutions that are free of corruption. Obtaining an outstanding legal education, both idealistic and practical, will magnify the impact I can make through a public interest career.

CanadianWolf

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Re: Would you be willing to provide critical feedback on my personal statement

Post by CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 08, 2020 8:51 am

Overall, your law school personal statement is enjoyable to read.

Even though this writing does not highlight intellectual curiosity, it does show that you are driven by purpose and that you are willing to grow based on your experiences whether educational or practical.

Your self portrait reveals one who is likely to continue to make a positive difference in the world. And that is a good thing.

Stephgflores

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Re: Would you be willing to provide critical feedback on my personal statement

Post by Stephgflores » Thu Oct 08, 2020 1:02 pm

Hi,
I read your personal statement and I think it is a great first draft. However, I think it sounds a bit like a resume. I think maybe work on the body paragraph and try to delete unnecessary stuff. Keep in mind, they are also going to read your resume, so no need to put everything on there. I would say keep it more simple and it needs to flow better. You want to keep the reader intrigued throughout the essay. Good luck!

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