Here is a draft of my personal statement, It's clearly still in it's rough stages but I would appreciate it if anyone can give really honest feedback. Nothing is too harsh!
When I was 17, my mother, sister, and I became homeless. I remember my mom telling us we had two days to pack up our things and move out. I remember us staying up all day and all night packing our whole lives into boxes, only for it to be seen a few times a year in a storage facility. I remember trying to decide what to pack, picking the few shirts I could keep and agonizing over which books I'd have to part with. I remember watching the door close behind me for the last time. I remember holding back tears because I needed to stay strong for my mother and sister.
About a year into living in my grandparents living room and thinking our lives were going uphill, my mother was arrested. That morning, we had put on our make-up, and sipped our coffee; business as usual. She was beginning to tell a story when she remembered she forgot her planner in the car and needed to get it. While she was out at the car, I continued to put my make-up on and pack my things so that we could get ready to go. When I stood up to leave the room, my back facing the window, something in me told me turn around and see if she needed help. When I turned and looked out, I saw my mom slowly getting out the car and in front of her was what looked like a two police officers and a black, unmarked police car. I remember putting my ear to the window, trying as hard as I could to hear what they were saying from across the parking lot, but for the life of me I couldn’t hear a thing. They talked for less than a minute and next thing I knew they were walking together towards the gate, then towards the house. When I saw them head closer, I ran to the front of the house to see what was going on, but the second I made it to the front door, I was met by my mom and the two police officers. She had pulled me aside to explain to me what was going on away from my sister who, at the time, was too young to fully understand. I was trying to listen to everything she was telling me, but my crying was almost uncontrollable. While she was giving me instructions on what to do and who to call, I knew I had to get myself together and fast.
As the officer began to speak, I looked at him with tear-filled eyes and confusion. They said it was time to go and they let her come inside and change. While my mother was in the bathroom with the female officer. I remember frantically searching our suitcase to find her something to wear. I remember feeling anxious as the male officer stood above me and peered down at my every movement. I remember hearing my sister sobbing on the couch behind me while I continue to search. As soon as they left, I tried to console my sister while calling my grandparents to explain the situation. They urged that they would be there as soon as possible and that we should get everything ready to follow my mom down to the station. I remember pacing the parking lot of the jail hoping she would call soon and clear things up. After what felt like hours, I finally received a call from my mom, she told me what they were charging her with and what her bail was set at. Still on the phone with her, I turned around to tell my grandparents, and they suggested we wait until Monday to pay it. When I told her what they said, she made me promise I wouldn’t let her stay the weekend and intended to keep that promise. I knew that whatever it took, I was going to get her home by the end of the night.
Stepping up for my mother and my sister will always stay with me. Seeing my mom go through this was another turning point in my life that allowed me to see a different perspective of not only our family but also through how she navigated through the justice system. I have been shown time and time again how strong she is, and how nothing is going to stand in her way. I only hope that throughout my life I can have half as much strength as her.
The past three years have helped me gain a new perspective on the world, and it showed me that I was living in a bubble that secluded me from real-life situations. What got me through my difficult times was for the hope of creating a better life for myself and my family. Starting school was tough to navigate by myself as a first-generation college student, but it allowed me the knowledge and strength to go out and fight for my opportunities. To watch my mother struggle throughout the years so that I could be the first in my family to earn a college degree, has allowed me to set standards for myself and how I want my future to turn out. During this learning period, I have given my career choice a second thought and realized that I wanted to practice law so that I could eventually work with people who have had the same experience as I did. My family and I have been given the chance to start over multiple times through overcoming homelessness and overcoming my mother’s arrest and I see this vividly in my decision to go to law school. Law school is my second chance to be a better version of myself for both me and for my clients. When I meet my clients, I know I will hold the necessary empathy needed to get them through their situation due to experiences I have been through. I know that I need to spend my career advocating on behalf of and for the public. The thought of being able to practice law, influence, and empower others and change lives pushes me every day to do better and be better. Overcoming my adversity, has made me strong, taught me perseverance, and has shown me that I can achieve success regardless of the situation at hand.
Critique my personal statement? Forum
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cavalier1138
- Posts: 8007
- Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2016 8:01 pm
Re: Critique my personal statement?
This looked familiar, so I went back and looked at your prior statements for a bit of context. In general, it seems like each time you re-work this piece, it's one step forward two steps back. Here's some specific feedback:
-This was literally my first comment on your prior pieces, but it's still applicable: Your writing needs serious work. After the first paragraph, almost every sentence has a serious error in grammar or syntax. It's starting to look like a more urgent problem for you, because this has been a consistent issue across each of your drafts. This isn't just about the risk of a nitpicky adcomm thinking that you don't know how to write; it affects the flow of the piece as a whole.
-You can help yourself tell more of the story by making some specific stylistic changes. The most helpful note I can think of at this point is to make every sentence about advancing the story you're telling, rather than describing your state of mind. That doesn't mean you cut out the descriptions of your internal reactions, but you can fold those into the story. For example (and don't just copy/paste this, because I'm writing this using my voice, not yours): "The hours after my mother left the house now blur together in my mind: collecting my mother's clothing, my sister sobbing on the couch, a police officer monitoring my every move. Several hours--or maybe it was minutes--later, I found myself pacing aimlessly in the jail parking lot. When my phone rang, I heard my mother's voice telling me how much it would cost to get her home."
-You improved on your last pass at this by getting more detailed, but as someone else mentioned on that last version, the piece is still weirdly vague. We never find out what your mother was charged with, how you got together the money (that's a super-weird point to cut the story off), the resolution of the case, etc. I'd suggest settling on the precise story you want to tell: beginning, middle, and end. Making the above changes can help shorten your current version and allow you to tell more of the story. But don't lose the vulnerability you've given us in this draft.
-If you can tell a coherent story, you don't need the last paragraph (or you at least need a much shorter version of it). Adcomms are relatively intelligent people; no one is going to be confused about the relevance of seeing your mother arrested and tried.
-This was literally my first comment on your prior pieces, but it's still applicable: Your writing needs serious work. After the first paragraph, almost every sentence has a serious error in grammar or syntax. It's starting to look like a more urgent problem for you, because this has been a consistent issue across each of your drafts. This isn't just about the risk of a nitpicky adcomm thinking that you don't know how to write; it affects the flow of the piece as a whole.
-You can help yourself tell more of the story by making some specific stylistic changes. The most helpful note I can think of at this point is to make every sentence about advancing the story you're telling, rather than describing your state of mind. That doesn't mean you cut out the descriptions of your internal reactions, but you can fold those into the story. For example (and don't just copy/paste this, because I'm writing this using my voice, not yours): "The hours after my mother left the house now blur together in my mind: collecting my mother's clothing, my sister sobbing on the couch, a police officer monitoring my every move. Several hours--or maybe it was minutes--later, I found myself pacing aimlessly in the jail parking lot. When my phone rang, I heard my mother's voice telling me how much it would cost to get her home."
-You improved on your last pass at this by getting more detailed, but as someone else mentioned on that last version, the piece is still weirdly vague. We never find out what your mother was charged with, how you got together the money (that's a super-weird point to cut the story off), the resolution of the case, etc. I'd suggest settling on the precise story you want to tell: beginning, middle, and end. Making the above changes can help shorten your current version and allow you to tell more of the story. But don't lose the vulnerability you've given us in this draft.
-If you can tell a coherent story, you don't need the last paragraph (or you at least need a much shorter version of it). Adcomms are relatively intelligent people; no one is going to be confused about the relevance of seeing your mother arrested and tried.
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albanach
- Posts: 1986
- Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:05 pm
Re: Critique my personal statement?
Cav is correct in everything they said. You have the makings of a decent PS but it's not there.
It's far, far too long, and the writing style isn't personal or engaging. Capture the reader right at the start. Begin with the moment immediately before and of the arrest. You can add in losing your house in a sentence or two later.
It's far, far too long, and the writing style isn't personal or engaging. Capture the reader right at the start. Begin with the moment immediately before and of the arrest. You can add in losing your house in a sentence or two later.
