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I'll start by saying this is an extreme rough draft, but I had an urge to write about this experience because it honestly has been pretty life altering. I know this is very emotionally weepy and narrative and shitty to begin with and very cliche at the end, but is any of it worth keeping? If I keep this as my general framework for a topic, what do you think is worth keeping as my baseline to work from (because I know I need to cut the story way down)? Literally any advice is appreciated.

It was 3 o’clock in the afternoon, a sweltering hot mid-august day, and I was crying quietly in a Walgreens vitamin aisle. My mother consoled me over the phone. She told me everything would be fine, that she would be there with me. She was on her way home now. I nodded my head, knowing she couldn’t see me but not trusting my voice to remain steady. My lips were pressed tightly together, trying to quell the burning tears in my eyes. She told me to go home, and I must have made a noise that conveyed agreement because she hung up. I hadn’t cried until I’d called her, hadn’t felt the looming, terrifying possibility until I had said it out loud.

“The Doctor said the lump in my breast is concerning. She says I need to get an ultrasound before I leave.”

Similer wrote:I'll start by saying this is an extreme rough draft, but I had an urge to write about this experience because it honestly has been pretty life altering. I know this is very emotionally weepy and narrative and shitty to begin with and very cliche at the end, but is any of it worth keeping? If I keep this as my general framework for a topic, what do you think is worth keeping as my baseline to work from (because I know I need to cut the story way down)? Literally any advice is appreciated.

It was 3 o’clock in the afternoon, a sweltering hot mid-august day, and I was crying quietly in a Walgreens vitamin aisle. My mother consoled me over the phone. She told me everything would be fine, that she would be there with me. She was on her way home now. I nodded my head, knowing she couldn’t see me but not trusting my voice to remain steady. My lips were pressed tightly together, trying to quell the burning tears in my eyes. She told me to go home, and I must have made a noise that conveyed agreement because she hung up. I hadn’t cried until I’d called her, hadn’t felt the looming, terrifying possibility until I had said it out loud.

“The Doctor said the lump in my breast is concerning. She says I need to get an ultrasound before I leave.”

No, no, no.

No to flowery prose
No to talking about cancer
No to talking about someone else's problems

How does any of that make you a good lawyer?

sorry,didn't see how it was about you.

Talking about overcoming cancer is a dangerous subject. it might get you sympathy, but how does it tie in to being a lawyer?

FND wrote:Talking about overcoming cancer is a dangerous subject. it might get you sympathy, but how does it tie in to being a lawyer?

Completely disagree with this. Your PS doesn't have to be "Why I Would Be a Good Lawyer." It has to be something that the adcomms can't get from reading the rest of your application, and a story about overcoming an illness like cancer is a good subject.

OP: I think it's a good starting point, but without seeing the whole thing (which should be under 2 pages), it's hard to give more feedback about the overall tone.

cavalier1138 wrote:

FND wrote:Talking about overcoming cancer is a dangerous subject. it might get you sympathy, but how does it tie in to being a lawyer?

Completely disagree with this. Your PS doesn't have to be "Why I Would Be a Good Lawyer." It has to be something that the adcomms can't get from reading the rest of your application, and a story about overcoming an illness like cancer is a good subject.

OP: I think it's a good starting point, but without seeing the whole thing (which should be under 2 pages), it's hard to give more feedback about the overall tone.

I agree with this. Assuming the PS shows in some way why you will be a contributor to the class, I think something like this is relatable to adcomms.

Also, I'd start with the quotation and build from there. In one sentence we know exactly what you're writing about, have sympathy for you and are hoping for a good outcome.