Personal Statement Feedback - deleted Forum
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pstem2017
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mon Dec 26, 2016 6:49 pm
Personal Statement Feedback - deleted
Moo.
Last edited by pstem2017 on Tue Dec 27, 2016 10:19 am, edited 1 time in total.
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SunDevil14
- Posts: 478
- Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2016 7:35 pm
Re: Personal Statement Feedback - Thanks!!
Good message and heart warming story. Take my advice with a grain of salt, I am not an expert:
1. The description of your mother/relationship with you mother is cornerstone of the paper, with that being said I believe your description of her/you relationship is a too bulky (half the personal statement). I would taper that portion down. Focus on more specific examples of you helping her with her illness, and the character traits you developed through your experiences with her. I believe you could construct a great picture of your mother/yourself through that type of discussion. I do no think all the background information or the argument about getting a "B" is necessary.
2. Similar to point 1, the abundance of background information regarding your mother is not a real attention grabber. Perhaps start off with the initial shock you experienced when your mother was diagnosed a third time. Another idea would be an interesting description of an usual task or an ordinary task that was made unusual because of her condition.
3. I believe the best portion of the paper comes at the end, where you discuss the inspiration your mother gave you to succeed in some impressive endeavors. I would bolster this section a bit more.
I think you are off to a good start, and could improve your personal statement by heeding some of my advice above. Sorry for your loss, I'm sure getting into a good law school would make your mother proud. Best of luck.
1. The description of your mother/relationship with you mother is cornerstone of the paper, with that being said I believe your description of her/you relationship is a too bulky (half the personal statement). I would taper that portion down. Focus on more specific examples of you helping her with her illness, and the character traits you developed through your experiences with her. I believe you could construct a great picture of your mother/yourself through that type of discussion. I do no think all the background information or the argument about getting a "B" is necessary.
2. Similar to point 1, the abundance of background information regarding your mother is not a real attention grabber. Perhaps start off with the initial shock you experienced when your mother was diagnosed a third time. Another idea would be an interesting description of an usual task or an ordinary task that was made unusual because of her condition.
3. I believe the best portion of the paper comes at the end, where you discuss the inspiration your mother gave you to succeed in some impressive endeavors. I would bolster this section a bit more.
I think you are off to a good start, and could improve your personal statement by heeding some of my advice above. Sorry for your loss, I'm sure getting into a good law school would make your mother proud. Best of luck.
