PS draft1, please help! Forum

[EmilyClark]

I wrote my PS based on my internship, can you guys please give me some advice or critiques?
Thank you!

My interest in public service begins when I work started my task on withholding money from non-custodial parent during my internship at the Attorney General’s Office of Child Support Division. As an intern, I was allowed the access to look through both custodial and non-custodial parent’s identifying record, and withhold money from non-custodial parents’ paycheck if he or she had delayed their monthly payment. As I went through lists of the withholding order, I notice a pattern among the non-custodial parents. Almost all the non-custodial parents fail to keep up their payment are earning an income that can barely cover their living standard, living below the poverty line.
After I discovered this pattern, withholding money from those non-custodial parents had become a physical and mentally drained task to me. Though I complete every withholding order that was entrusted to me, I could not help but feel a sense of dissatisfaction. It is also because of my pure curiosity and desire for knowledge that drove me to action, I begin my research on child support payment plan.
I cross-examine various data and research paper on child support payment plan from family law and discover various issues that were plagued to most non-custodial parents. Most of these non-custodial parents are living below poverty line, no fixed housing, and are in debt because of child support payment. While the child support payment charge everyone the same rate in the non-custodial parent community, most of these non-custodial parents lack the education and skill set to get high paying jobs, and they have no permanent residence and migrate from cheap motel to another motel. So despite the law required to contribute a fixed rate out of their total income, depends on non-custodial parent’s income this payment will either do nothing or severely damage their living standard and dive below the poverty line. These issues of the non-custodial parents could be amended by a range of public service provided by the government, which should have include education, job training, and subsidized housing for low-income earners. Yet most of these non-custodial parents are still living below average standard, in which address that the social services provide by the government achieve little to nothing in its attempt to assist the people in needs.
My research had not only further my understanding of people are in urgent need of great public service benefits and service, but also made me realize that the studying law will better assist and develop a better public service plan for the community; or to reform law to not only benefit a minority of this community, but everyone in the community. During this research, I found not only my desire to assist those people in needs, but also to advocate actions that will leave society best off.
Though the decision to pursue a career in a legal profession may be hard to endure, I find myself eager and excited at the journey laid before me. Through my internship experience and research I found confidence, courage, and a deep passion to help those who are in need, and a dedication to advocate for reform to benefit everyone in the community. Law school will give me the knowledge I need and with practice and patience, I will become an individual able to make the best judgment for our community.

[beyoncecarter]

Sorry, not too much feedback but here are some of the things I noticed:
1. There are a lot of grammatical errors in this PS. For example, sometimes you are using the present tense, and then you switch to the past tense. You really should be consistent, or at least use both tenses in a way that makes sense. I'm sure you'll be able to fix a lot of these mistakes if you read it aloud!
2. You go a little too in depth at some parts. Law schools are interested in what you did, but are more interested in how it impacted you. Write more about how your internship relates to law school, and less about the specifics of what you did.
3. Going back to grammar, some of your sentences don't really make sense. Be on the look out for missing words, or words that should be changed.

Good luck! Hope this was useful

[BobBoblaw]

The grammar in this PS is really, really bad. It doesn't just sound like English is your second language, it sounds like you have a tenuous grasp of English altogether. I would make sure you have someone go over this in great detail if you decide to use it as nearly every sentence has at least one and usually multiple grammatical errors.

That said, I don't think the content is very good either, you spend very little space talking about yourself and most of the PS is just you describing an issue you observed in your internship. It's fine to use as an anecdote, but you need to spend much more time actually talking about yourself, your motivations and qualifications, etc.

[EmilyClark]

Thank you guys for the help, English is my second language so I will have someone help me look over my grammar.