Travel/Immigration Updated Final Draft - HELP PLEASE Forum
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Travel/Immigration Updated Final Draft - HELP PLEASE
Please see my post below.
Last edited by Anonymous User on Mon Dec 19, 2016 9:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.
- BlendedUnicorn
- Posts: 9318
- Joined: Sat Aug 27, 2016 2:40 pm
Re: Please Review My Travel/Immigration PS
Cut way down on superfluous language. For example, you call yourself a "cynical optimist" in the first line and then the theme the rest of the way through has nothing to do with your cynicism. Which is good, because that's probably not something you want to draw attention to. Reread every sentence- every word- and ask yourself if you need it. Focus the piece more on a: your experience in France and b: how that experience translates to your interest in immigration law.Anonymous User wrote:I'm about to lose my mind, I've written and re-written and re-written again x10000, but I think I'm maybe happy with this. Or at least I need to be because I need to turn in my applications ASAP. For some background, I'm a splitter trying to show how this experience changed me/made me grow up, and also how it gave me direction as to what kind of law I'm interested in. Does that come through in my PS or should I add something to emphasize it more?
I think this is a little too long still, so any editing advice is much appreciated. I know that the whole travel/work abroad thing is a little overdone, but hopefully this isn't too trite/cliche. Notes on tone/formality also appreciated. Thanks!
e. I only struck lines in the first paragraph. I think the rest of the piece is better, but still needs to be more focused.
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- Posts: 428107
- Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2009 9:32 am
Re: Please Review My Travel/Immigration PS
Okay, I've edited and re-edited ad nauseum and I keep deleting but then adding more. I think I'm too close to it. I am naturally wordy AF and bad at being objective about my own writing, but I tried - I really did. It's currently exactly two pages double-spaced 11pt Garamond (is that formatting acceptable?). I think I'm finally happy with it, or as happy as I'll ever be at least, and ready to submit. But before I do, I need fresh eyes please!
Should I cut anything?
Is what I have effective?
Are the anecdotes/details helpful or just unnecessary?
Anything grammar or style-related is also welcome. I know I tend to use super long sentences but hopefully they're not confusingly so.
...Is it terrible?
Basically, just please HELP ME before I lose my mind. Much appreciated.
Should I cut anything?
Is what I have effective?
Are the anecdotes/details helpful or just unnecessary?
Anything grammar or style-related is also welcome. I know I tend to use super long sentences but hopefully they're not confusingly so.
...Is it terrible?
Basically, just please HELP ME before I lose my mind. Much appreciated.
- UVA2B
- Posts: 3570
- Joined: Sun May 22, 2016 10:48 pm
Re: Please Review My Travel/Immigration PS
First point: your formatting will be fine, 11-pt garamond is pretty typical unless the application states otherwise. Heed the app, follow directions, and move on.Anonymous User wrote:Okay, I've edited and re-edited ad nauseum and I keep deleting but then adding more. I think I'm too close to it. I am naturally wordy AF and bad at being objective about my own writing, but I tried - I really did. It's currently exactly two pages double-spaced 11pt Garamond (is that formatting acceptable?). I think I'm finally happy with it, or as happy as I'll ever be at least, and ready to submit. But before I do, I need fresh eyes please!
Should I cut anything?
Is what I have effective?
Are the anecdotes/details helpful or just unnecessary?
Anything grammar or style-related is also welcome. I know I tend to use super long sentences but hopefully they're not confusingly so.
...Is it terrible?
Basically, just please HELP ME before I lose my mind. Much appreciated.
Second: I largely enjoy your writing style as it follows a fairly coherent stream of consciousness through your story. That said, I feel a bit of a disconnect between making the choice of moving to Paris for a short period of time (and maybe I'm missing this conveyance, but equating living abroad for a year or so is a bit disingenuous when compared to what Americans traditionally consider in the term immigration. This is entirely a connotation issue, but I think it could be problematic with the wrong reader). I think you are trying to show the decision to leave comfort for discomfort and how it opened up your eyes to the true experience of being an immigrant, and that's an interesting, albeit still somewhat unoriginal (don't let this deter you, I just mean others have likely spoken about their time abroad and how it broadened their horizons before) take on the experience. But I would caution more generally that your overall story needs to make logical sense that connects every word to the next. Your writing has done that mostly, but the ideas don't fully connect to me. For instance, why did you decide to make this decision? What did you hope for the experience before embarking on it, and how did those hopes differ from the reality you experienced? What did you expect that proved true, and what departed from those expectations so drastically as to be unimaginable?
These questions are not meant to suggest you need to reimagine your entire narrative, but I feel like you successfully fit a narrative into an experience, vice allowing the experience to drive the narrative. You clearly wanted to show that this experience was formative to you, both personally and potentially professionally, which is admirable. But that being said, I didn't entirely buy the connection between your experience in Paris and fighting for immigrants rights. I don't mean that to be harsh, but I felt like the connection was too far strained and forced. I can't say I have fantastic advice on how to connect this, and likely you can ignore this part because your writing is generally strong enough to make an admissions officer decide your PS was good enough to select you so long as LSAT/GPA were good enough.
Final point: In this type of writing, you probably rely on extensive sentence structure more than you probably should. I found myself reading several sentences, only to read them again to make sure I understood how all of the clauses interconnect. Keep in mind that the person you're targeting is reading thousands of these every year, and things like that could annoy them. Keep your sentence structure generally simple unless you're using it for a purpose. A complex sentence can be incredibly effective at illustrating a point, but you should use it sparingly in writings for admissions.
As I stated at the beginning: I like your general writing style, and I don't think this PS will hurt you if you submitted as it is. But from my personal perspective, you could tighten up the structure, focus the language, and hone the connection of your experience with what you learned from it to cause more of an impact.
But regardless, don't beat yourself up on this because you've written something that is true to you, and it does give your application a third dimension, which is the entire point of the PS.
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