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Posted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 12:01 am
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Your last paragraph is not well connected to the rest of the story. Make it personal... "As I result of this experience I realized I had to do something... blah blah blah."
Despite fixing that, I felt you haven't given us a piece of why this is important about you. I can tell you've suffered, but what did that suffering do to you? How did it change you? How did you deal with it?