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Monday wrote:Look, starting your personal statement in media res is so overdone that it should be avoided. I think the subject matter has potential but you should scrap this version of your statement and start over by focusing on the narrative structure of your statement. The build-up is sort of there but the conclusion is unsatisfying and not as uplifting as what you've actually written, if that makes any sense. I know you are waiting on a more definitive "conclusion" wrt the lump but you can still create a narrative closure here. The current ending of "I'm just going to continue living as I've always done" isn't doing much in terms of showing your internal resolution.

Anonymous User wrote: In the midst of travelling, studying, writing my undergraduate thesis, arranging to graduate, and many other responsibilities, the possibility looms over me.

One "l" in "traveling" in 'Murrican real English.

Thanks for the input! Fair point on the intro for sure, I suppose I just have no idea how else to start, so I'd just kept the opening from my original draft to be dealt with later. I also think the criticism of the conclusion is quite fair. I struggled with whether it was even worth mentioning that a definitive diagnosis still hasn't been made. Anything here worth transferring to another draft, you think?

Good to hear positive feedback on the topic though, as I had gone back and forth about it for awhile (in part because it is quite a recent development). But it really has been quite impactful, so I decided to go for it.

Also LOL at "travelling". Since I've been on my study abroad my profs over here prefer British spellings and I guess it's spilling over into my personal life Thanks for pointing it out!

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Ok, working on a new draft and I've tried this out as a new opening. Thoughts? Going in the right/wrong direction you think? (Open for anyone's thoughts)

At 21 years old, I haven’t given much thought to dying. Cancer, though, has been quite present throughout my life. The first time I was ever truly confronted with death, cancer was to blame; I watched my vibrant grandmother wither away under its weight. The adults around me spoke constantly of her ‘fight’ against it, and at her funeral, when I was told I had to say goodbye, I understood little more than the fact that cancer was to blame. Since then, I’ve watched many other family members ‘fight’ and lose. The concept of death has, to me, become inextricably linked to the concept of cancer. This is why the prospect of having cancer myself has been so terrifying.

I could comment more, but I wont other than to say that you should not use the phrase 'cancer was to blame' twice in such a short paragraph.

BobBoblaw wrote:I could comment more, but I wont other than to say that you should not use the phrase 'cancer was to blame' twice in such a short paragraph.

Ugh, yeah. This is why we re-read and edit many times. Thanks

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Monday wrote:This direction is much, much better and you shouldn't feel so frustrated (writing is, after all, iterative). So in broad strokes: your statement discusses how the possibility of a cancer diagnosis shifted what you relied on for hope and motivation ("where I seek them") and how ultimately this pushes you forward even further than before in pursuit of the study of law. I like this. This message does need to be strengthened both in the introduction and the conclusion.

I am not a proponent of "why law" mainly because I don't think it can be successful for the majority of applicants but this is up to you. If you do stick with the "why law" conclusion, it needs to be brought more tightly with the rest of your message. Good progress!

Well its good to hear this is at least moving in a good direction. I was afraid I was trying to shove to much into it. Like I said, I'm pretty unsure of the "why law" style but I'm finding it difficult to find a satisfying conclusion without connecting it to that. Thoughts?