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I know you're really set on this topic, but... really? Should you be?

This reads like a very long diversity statement, but it's also not terribly good from that angle. I don't get a sense of who you are as a person (except someone who gets extremely invested in things like student group elections). I also don't get to understand what your Pilipino heritage has done to affect your viewpoint, much less how you dealt with melding that with your upbringing in a Korean community.

There are a lot of seeds for an interesting statement here, but there's no payoff right now. In general, I tend to recommend subjects like this for diversity statements, because it's already tailored towards the unique viewpoint you bring to law school through your heritage. But if you want to talk about it in your personal statement, then it needs to be a hell of a lot more personal. As it stands right now, it's just a summary of what you did with a student group, and I get the feeling that a few lines on a resume would have left me with the same impression. Everything just sounds very surface and generic.

On a more specific note: there are some weird word choices, like your use of the word "unraveled". And some of your stuff in the last paragraph (although that one goes in the right direction) comes off as really egotistical, such as referring to your few years of experience as "vast".

cavalier1138 wrote:I know you're really set on this topic, but... really? Should you be?

This reads like a very long diversity statement, but it's also not terribly good from that angle. I don't get a sense of who you are as a person (except someone who gets extremely invested in things like student group elections). I also don't get to understand what your Pilipino heritage has done to affect your viewpoint, much less how you dealt with melding that with your upbringing in a Korean community.

There are a lot of seeds for an interesting statement here, but there's no payoff right now. In general, I tend to recommend subjects like this for diversity statements, because it's already tailored towards the unique viewpoint you bring to law school through your heritage. But if you want to talk about it in your personal statement, then it needs to be a hell of a lot more personal. As it stands right now, it's just a summary of what you did with a student group, and I get the feeling that a few lines on a resume would have left me with the same impression. Everything just sounds very surface and generic.

On a more specific note: there are some weird word choices, like your use of the word "unraveled". And some of your stuff in the last paragraph (although that one goes in the right direction) comes off as really egotistical, such as referring to your few years of experience as "vast".

Thank you! My general idea was to write about how I lost the first time I ran for President and how that experience shaped me as a person, which eventually affected my actual term as President. I had a feeling the first paragraphs would make it sound generic, so I'll have to get figure out how to get to the Presidency part without expounding too much background information. Do you think this would be a step in the right direction for my personal statement?

I think it would be a step, but I think you're still missing the personal shading that's needed. I have no idea why being president of this organization was important to you outside of the usual reasons that overachievers always want to be in charge of things (this is what I currently get from your statement). You really need to tap in to your personal connection to the organization, the culture, what you wanted to do as president, and not just tell us about your generic work duties.

The statement lacks a true theme. Overall, it's just a description of your 3 years in a student organization. This led to the statement dragging on without really doing you any favors. I think you could actually split the PS apart before the paragraph starting "I experienced heartbreak" and rework each half into its own PS. One would be a diversity/discovering your own culture PS without so much emphasis on leadership roles in the organization. The other would be a comeback story about how you lost out on your dream role but eventually worked your way to it, which would also need some of the cultural information to show why the President position was so important to you.

Mr. Archer wrote:The statement lacks a true theme. Overall, it's just a description of your 3 years in a student organization. This led to the statement dragging on without really doing you any favors. I think you could actually split the PS apart before the paragraph starting "I experienced heartbreak" and rework each half into its own PS. One would be a diversity/discovering your own culture PS without so much emphasis on leadership roles in the organization. The other would be a comeback story about how you lost out on your dream role but eventually worked your way to it, which would also need some of the cultural information to show why the President position was so important to you.

Thank you for your feedback! I'm going to try splitting my PS and work with the second half first and see where it takes me.

Please check out my revised draft here: http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 8&t=270764

Thank you! (: