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I have a feeling this is either something Yale will love or hate. Hard to tell which it would be

I liked the metaphor and pretty language. That being said, aren't you worried that the admissions committee will wonder why you are pursuing a law degree if you're interested in writing novels?

OP: If you haven't already, please, please read the first page of Karl Ove Knausgaard's My Struggle Book 1. It begins with...

"For the heart, life is simple: it beats for as long as it can. Then it stops. Sooner or later, one day, this pounding action will cease of its own accord, and the blood will begin to run towards the body’s lowest point, where it will collect in a small pool, visible from outside as a dark, soft patch on ever whitening skin, as the temperature sinks, the limbs stiffen and the intestines drain."

I think you'll find it's similar or at least parallel to what you're getting at, but a lot more grounded. Even though the above English is a translation from the original Swedish, do you see how much less "thesaurusy" it sounds? Your 250 isn't bad, but it does feel a little "sought" and stilted. You don't have to write as well as Knausgaard (I certainly don't) but I think it'd be a terrific exercise to see how he pulls off beginning a book with a grand rumination on life and the heart that doubles as a window into the nitty-gritty aspects of biology/the corporeal form.

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate it!

I tend to agree with others. I don't know much about the Yale 250, as I imagine my GPA largely precludes me from getting in at this point. That said, I do think it reads as a bit too pseudo intellectual or written with a thesaurus in hand. Then again, it's a type of writing that has always bothered me, so it could just be my pet peeve coming off. I think there's also the challenge that too flowery of language can sound sarcastic if that makes sense, or, at the very least, I've had that problem (according to my english teacher *way back when* at the very least.)

That said, I think that your commas are more effective/correct as below.

> forgotten out of uselessness or, more frequently, out of grief

I think that the overly psuedo intellectual part sort of starts after this sentence.

All that said, take my advice with a grain of salt. I tend to write in a relatively specific way, so I am not certain that my corrections are resolving errors or making things simply more jive with my style of writing.