500 word PS
Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2016 3:40 pm
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I need to study, so I'm going to just do some more high level comments...apologies if anything comes off as abrupt, mean, or terse...as I won't spend as much time saying 'maybe this' or 'maybe that' as I do in other statements which typically means do what I say.
People often tell me that I have a special gift for the piano. “You play so effortlessly," they say, “How do you make it look so easy?” As nice as it is to hear compliments like that, I can’t help but be unsettled by them. There is nothing “effortless” or “easy” about the way I play the piano. It did not come to me naturally: I don’t have the best ear, the fastest fingers, or the greatest sense of rhythm. Rather, I am able to play the way I do because I’ve worked very hard at it. Music comes naturally for some, but my success in music, and quite frankly in life, is a result not of God-given gifts, but of unyielding determination.
For some of this, see 'TAD's personal statement. You both have a somewhat similar overarching theme - success through perseverance rather than innate talent - so some of what has been written there may apply. I think it is a fine theme, but I don't think it should be so blunt. Personally, I rather see you start with something along the lines of the second paragraph. Your love of music and where it came from. You can then get into this idea at some point. Be weary of wording.
Classical music has held a special place in my heart ever since I was a child. I used to watch in awe as the fingers of our church pianist flew across the keys. Instead of wishing for new toys on my birthday, I would wish for piano lessons. But my parents divorced when I was younger and neither one could afford to pay for them.
I like the idea of this being paralleled at some point or in some way... this random church pianist exemplified a great musician because of his finger dexterity, his keen ear, and fantastic sense of rhythm. Maybe he too had to work for it.
I also don't really see the point of dropping the parents divorced part in it. It's really tragic, but it's also terribly common. It's also just dropped in the personal statement as opposed to a primary driving factor behind it, so it sort of reads as a pity thing. Either way though, probably not a big deal one way or the other as far as the PS goes.
Pursuing a degree in music meant that I had to start tabula rasa in a field full of others who had been studying music from the time they could walk.
I find the use of tabula rasa here a little jarring. Your reader will likely know what it is, but it kind of sticks out. It's sort of like never using a number in the statement and saying 3,423,580.
Friends and family told me that it was an impossible undertaking and that the odds were stacked against me. However, throughout history the greatest victories have been won by underdogs, and I’m not one to back down from a fight. The greater the challenge is, the more determined I am to succeed. So without hesitation, I dove into the fray.
I'm not a fan of this. It sounds like generic platitude after generic platitude.
Six years later, I was invited to play Chopin's Second Piano Concerto with the XXX Symphony Orchestra. While it was by far the most challenging performance of my life, it was also the most rewarding. It was the culmination of years spent locking myself in practice rooms for hours on end and refusing to become discouraged by overwhelming obstacles. It meant that I had won. I had beaten the odds.
See, this is important. This is revealing.
Looking back, I am proud that I never gave up. I may have faltered here and there, but I always continued to push forward. Although that chapter of my life has come to an end, what I have learned from it will stay with me in law school: Pursuing my dreams will not be easy; it will require great sacrifice, dedication, and relentlessness if I want to see those dreams become a reality. But in my pursuit of music I have learned to be incredibly disciplined, to pay careful attention to detail, and how to interpret abstract and complex information in order to communicate it with others. I know that I will succeed at University California, Irvine School of Law School because of these things, and although the cards may be stacked against me yet again, I will always remember this: Whatever I may lack, I always make up for in fortitude.
I like the last paragraph... not certain about the last bit for the same reason I didn't care for the 'friends...dove into the fray' paragraph.
Overall, I think you have the right ideas and the right vessel for you, but I think you need to work on the ordering and such. You are a strong writer, but I think you would benefit from avoiding phrases that sound too catchy or too much like a platitude in this type of statement.
I would encourage you rewrite your statement from one of two jumping off points, as I think you will end up with a far more interesting piece.
1] standing in awe of the church pianist as a young child
"Classical music has held a special place in my heart ever since I was a child. I used to watch in awe as the fingers of our church pianist flew across the keys."
2] when you played for Chopin's Second Piano Concerto with the XXX Symphony Orchestra.
"I was invited to play Chopin's Second Piano Concerto with the XXX Symphony Orchestra. While it was by far the most challenging performance of my life, it was also the most rewarding. It was the culmination of years spent locking myself in practice rooms for hours on end and refusing to become discouraged by overwhelming obstacles. It meant that I had won. I had beaten the odds."
I would also say to thumb through the thread on TAD's statement, as your statement may lead you to similar statements and grounds that have been fairly thoroughly explored in that thread with mentions of what not to do.