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[Anonymous User]

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[OLitch]

I feel that this reads more like a long addendum. It was a PS, adversity statement, and grades addendum rolled into one.

The first part of the PS was interesting. I would have rather read about your experience in the bakery in a positive light. You learned so much from that unique experience. That alone would make a great PS. I think you could easily highlight how the struggles only strengthened your commitment. The part where you mentioned what you learned in class was great.

I think you should do a separate addendum explaining how your family obligations impacted your grades. Don't be a victim, be a hero.

I don't want to quote you so, you can PM me if you want a more detailed critique.

[RZ5646]

I don't like the explicit comparison to other kids in the first paragraph and the use of the admissions buzzword "adversity." Of course you want to say that you're special and have overcome a lot, but your presentation makes it too obvious.

There seems to be a shift in focus in the first paragraph (store -> business law) that doesn't make sense until you get to the end of the paragraph and see that you're trying to show how the store hurt your academics.

Overall, I agree with the other poster that this seems like an addendum to explain a poor GPA. If you need a GPA addendum, that's fine, but your PS should focus on strengths or a good story.

[IWantT6]

I can see how other posters feel this is an addendum, but I think it's a good story. I see how you are explaining your past in order to build up to how that showcases your strengths and what you are trying to accomplish. I would maybe try to focus more on that. Like others said, the part that transitions from bakery to college is a bit confusing at first. I understand the first half is important in telling your story but I would trim it down and add more depth to how that impacted you, how you have changed, what are you accomplishments, what are your strengths, etc.