My Rough Personal Statement, Critique Appreciated Forum

[wschultz4]

I am a thirty year old man. My life has rarely been picturesque and my life decisions have not always been favorable. My mother struggled financially for a good portion of my life and my father has spent over one third of my life in prison. I would like to share with you how I went from being a young man convinced he was destined to follow in his father’s footsteps to an ambitious, driven, and exceedingly blessed individual.

I grew up in a small town outside of San Antonio. My mother was a victim of domestic violence perpetrated by my father. My parents divorced when I was still a baby. My mother suffered severe economic hardships in the early years of my life. Despite what he had done to her, she never tried to keep me from my father. Even with my increasing resentment for what he had done to my mother and his transient nature; I idolized my father. I cherished every moment that he was there and wept at his absence. Although I was always aware of them, my intellectual potentialities became increasingly squandered as I made my way through junior high and high school. I associated with the wrong people and made virtually all of the wrong decisions. After high school, I enrolled in college and soon thereafter withdrew. By this time, my mother had gained financial footing like she had never had before. Within a couple of years however, mass layoffs in her company led she and her husband to financial ruin. Their marriage deteriorated and my mother moved to Iowa to be near her parents and start over. I stayed.

At the time, I had just started what I now consider to be my first career - managing production for a small awards and recognition business. My job and my relationship with my mother were the only positive things I had in my life. Over the nearly seven years I worked for my previous employer, my wages increased over 170% due to my performance. I learned managerial techniques and honed my leadership and collaborative skills. The experience was invaluable and I will always be grateful for it. During my tenure I matured exponentially and severed ties with my tumultuous past and the people lacking in character that I once surrounded myself with.

When I was twenty-four I got engaged and quickly married to a young woman who was pregnant with my baby. Due to her unwillingness to seek help for her severe mental illness, our relationship did not last long after the baby was born. I immediately spent all I had to obtain a lawyer and try to fight for custody of my daughter. Despite my efforts I came out of it with minimal visitation with my daughter. I felt that my attorney failed me, the system failed me, and most of all I failed myself when I relented in my efforts and allowed myself to settle for a standard possession order. I spent the next few years being alienated from my daughter’s life and suffering inexplicable heartbreak. Once I finally quit wallowing, I decided to turn my life around. I decided I would put myself in a situation where I would never again sit in a court room, powerless and ignorant to the processes taking place around me; that I would help myself and help other people in similar situations as I had faced. I would pursue an undergraduate degree and follow it with law school.

I dipped my toe in the water, taking just a couple of classes. I knew then that the road to greater things was where I belonged. Unfortunately, my employer of several years couldn’t spare me for the hours I needed to attend classes at the rate I felt I needed to, so I had to end my employment. I got a job in the service industry and have been at the same job hammering away at academic progress ever since. After completing hours beyond my core curriculum at community college to compensate for my poor high school record, I was accepted into Texas A&M in College Station. Two weeks before I was supposed to move, my baby’s mother burned her house down with all six of her children inside. Fortunately, the oldest siblings saved my daughter and the others from the burning house. I have been a single father with full custody ever since, and while it has increased my economic hardships, it has not dampened my academic performance. Contrarily, it has strengthened my resolve and I am more determined now than ever to succeed. I must succeed for my daughter, for myself, and for fathers and mothers who know their child is not with the fittest parent and can’t get anyone to truly fight for justice.

So while finding myself was a long-drawn and uphill battle, I am at a place in my life I once would have never believed I would ever see. When I graduate with my four year degree, I will be part of the first generation of my family to do so. It is my hope to continue on to law school and I am determined to make that my reality. Texas is where I have always wanted to be and the only place I want to raise my family. It would be my greatest honor and achievement to be admitted into the University of Texas Juris Doctorate program.

[zeglo]

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[wschultz4]

@zeglo, thanks, I will make some changes with your criticisms in mind. Some of the things you say are unresolved I resolve in the body, should I give a brief resolution in the introduction then elaborate further in the body?

[zeglo]

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[wschultz4]

I am a huge fan of editing, and editing, and editing to continually cut down words for concise sentences and style. Every single sentence should have power.

Cool. I added you to my friend's list. If it's cool, in a month or two once I think I can't edit it down anymore, I'll send my revised, revised, revised PS.

[albanach]

[This sounds like a good topic, but this paragraph does not grab me. Think of concise sentences and interesting hooks. Maybe open with the first sentence talking about your father. Now suddenly I want to know why he is in prison. No fluff about being thirty or background. This currently sounds slightly depressing, and I believe it should sound uplifting. Perhaps close this opening with why you are now blessed.][/color]

Here are my thoughts on the first paragraph.

Zeglo's edits are good, and you should take them to heart. You have the potential for a decent PS but this is a weak start.

Remember, the admissions staff are dealing with thousands of these each. You need to grab their attention in the first sentence and have them interested in you by the end of the first paragraph.

By the end, you want to come across as genuinely interesting, but not too different and someone they think will be a positive addition to the school. Looking at the following paragraphs, you seem to have some blaming of others going on. They might have been wrong, or have wronged you, but it's not a positive message.

If your reason for wanting to law school is because you once encountered a shitty lawyer, be aware that your application will look just like thousands of others. Focus on the positive of being a single dad successfully raising a child and ignore or greatly downplay how you found yourself in that situation. I would strongly avoid the line about children not being with the fittest parent - divorce and split families are way too common and you could easily be evoking painful memories for the reader.

[InTrodusT]

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[Unfathomableruckus]

You should your tie situation with your ex with your abusive family growing up and the. If you are interested in family law, state that more explicitly. You should go further into what you have learned about family law in this process. Also, your daughter was in a burning house and I think you didn't really display the effect of that for you. The ramifications of bad practice of law almost lost you your child.

I think you could have a bit less about the specific details of your childhood in a single-parent home and single parenthood in the PS and then write a diversity statement instead. Single parenthood is a big deal, and single fathers are less common. Also, the wage change note about your job made you seem basic, so I would say eliminate that.