Urgent, please PS feedback Forum

[LaDawn]

post deleted

[datenginedatcould]

Right off the bat, change the first sentence. Too vague and not catchy. I like the story you're going for here, but maybe include background info on why this project was so important. While the narrative style should be kept, you definitely need to speed it up. Don't tell your reader your every step. Instead, focus on the outcome and the impact of what you created. Within the last paragraph, it is obvious that you are name dropping anyone you came in contact with from SLS. If you must, include one interaction that had substantive value. Someone helping you find a shirt is not reflective of the "high success rate among Stanford graduates."

[LaDawn]

Thank you very much for your feedback. I changed the first sentence to: "Two years ago, I was sitting at home staring out the window feeling smothered by the thought of implementing a divinely-given idea." What do you think?

Also, I will shorten the list of people I met, you are correct with the tone of name dropping.

Thank you!