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Yea it is.. thanks a lot for the feedback! I will work on it!

I'm sorry for the medical issues you've had to deal with. That said, I don't think this will make a strong PS. You might use a truncated version of this as a GPA addendum (if necessary), but as a PS it doesn't tell the reader much about you and your interests; it's just a play-by-play of dealing with doctors and figuring out what your medical issue was. You should find something to write about that highlights your interests and features you in an active role; here you are basically the passive victim of a disease.

First of all, I'm glad you were able to recover and now have a chance to go to law school. That's an accomplishment in itself.

My one piece of advice is to cut some details about how your illness negatively impacted your life. I think you could convince the reader of the gravity of your situation without including every step of your diagnosis. This shouldn't be the story of how you found out about your illness or how severe it is, but rather the story of how you overcame this challenge and where you are going in the future. I think this piece would be more impactful if you gave the reader a glimpse into how you excelled in school and what drove you to give your all during physical therapy. Also by underscoring your motivations and victories, you could give the statement a more positive vibe.

Ultimately, you want your reviewer to say "wow, this applicant is capable, motivated, and thoughtful" instead of "wow, this applicant overcame a very serious illness". The two aren't mutually exclusive, but try to shift your focus on instilling the former sentiment than the latter.

Hey thanks for the feedback. The reason I did it like this ( I could be totally wrong!) was because the school used this to describe what to write.This document must be composed and written by you and should describe your motivation for the study of law and expand upon any parts of your record or experience that you wish to emphasize or clarify Would you still go with something else or do you think it is ok if i just cut out a lot more of the play-by-play and just talk about more of a reason why I decided law school. Thanks!

Thank you all for your replies. It is great help!

trwatson wrote:Hey thanks for the feedback. The reason I did it like this ( I could be totally wrong!) was because the school used this to describe what to write.This document must be composed and written by you and should describe your motivation for the study of law and expand upon any parts of your record or experience that you wish to emphasize or clarify Would you still go with something else or do you think it is ok if i just cut out a lot more of the play-by-play and just talk about more of a reason why I decided law school. Thanks!

If that is the prompt, I would definitely expand upon describing "your motivation for the study of law". Not all PS prompts ask you to specifically address that; the fact that this one does is significant.

Right now, you essentially say that you want to study law because you are grateful to the doctors who helped you through your illness and so you want to be a lawyer to help people. The connection between your illness and your motivation to become a lawyer is tenuous, and your reason for wanting to become a lawyer is very vague. Also, a disproportionate number of applicants will sing the same refrain about "helping people" (which very few lawyers actually do) so you will come across as naive. Spend some time taking apart why you want to become a lawyer, show that you have an understanding of what being a lawyer might actually entail.

holymolyoly wrote:"After high school, I struggled at Ivy Tech and my grades reflected it but once I put my health issues behind me and was symptom free I was able to transfer to The Kelley School of Business in Indianapolis and was able to achieve the grades with an overall 3.63 GPA."

Wording structure in the above sentence is really awkward and a bit repetitive. Overall, the essay is a little hard to get through. I would focus on clarity because this definitely seems like an early draft. Try reading it out loud to yourself so you can catch some of the phrasing problems.

The above-quoted sentence has 51 words. To make your essay more readable, find the longer sentences and cut them down or just remove them entirely. Take the above sentence as an example. You don't need to say "after high school," because we already know you're in CC. Consider something like the following:

"I struggled at Ivy Tech and my grades suffered. But after months of rehab and healing I finally brought my grades up and transferred to The Kelley School of Business. I have thrived at Kelley, achieving an overall 3.63 GPA."

This says the same thing in 40 words, with an average sentence length of 13.3 words. Stuff like this makes it more readable.

I also agree with the other posters about focusing more on why you are choosing law. You can streamline the story about your illness and diagnosis to make some room to describe your emerging interest in law.

Hello from a fellow (former) Hoosier (the state of Indiana kind, not the IU kind... I went to Purdue).

I'm sorry for your medical issues. I think that a medical issue focused PS is the hardest kind to get properly balanced. If you go too far one way, it gets bogged down in the details, and you elicit pity from the reader rather than inspiration. On the other hand, if you go too far in the other direction, it comes off like your medical issue was trivial. I think you're too far in the former direction, and that the only thing this PS is doing is eliciting pity.

I would focus on cutting down your pre-diagnosis portion of the PS to 1 paragraph. Strip out a ton of details, but include enough that the gravity of the situation doesn't get lost. Then, spend the rest of the PS talking about 1 or 2 anecdotes where you overcame your medical issues and achieved something.

I have since decided a legal education was the way I could help others in their lives, the same ways everyone else has been able to help me with their knowledge and expertise.I have also faced challenges academically during the period of time that my health was impaired. I was able to face those challenges head on and overcome many obstacles, and I am currently ready for the next challenge of law school.

I think that these sentences are your entire PS wrapped up in a tidy little bow. Once you refocus your PS on your achievements, you should be able to recraft this portions into a great topic sentence for your conclusion.

thanks a lot for all the tips guys! I have been able to cut some of the long diagnosis stuff out.

Thanks man!

Very sorry to hear about your health issues, that sounds miserable!

As far as your PS, I would recommend checking out the Hemingway editor at http://www.hemingwayapp.com/. It's a really helpful way to identify sentences that are difficult to read, either because they're too long, or have confusing structure. Just copy and paste your entire PS, and it'll highlights troublesome areas. It'll also identify all of your adverbs, and recommend getting rid of them. As a huge fan of adverbs, I take issue with that part, but in your statement I do see some that could be deleted. (Example: "immediately grab" in your first paragraph. The verb "grab" implies immediacy, you don't need the adverb, and the sentence is stronger without it. There's a few moments like that in your PS.)

Overall, I dig it. But I think some revision would make it a lot stronger.

^ thanks man for the time you gave to help me out! I will for sure use that tool and advice.