PS.. Plz help critique/opinions welcome.. literally have no help Forum

[SooLost]

Hey everyone,

I'm über late to finding TSL and don't have any mentors to help me. was wondering you you all could offer come opinions/criticism so i can improve my ps. Still need to conclude it tho. Thanks..

Early in my life, I discovered time is a complexity that really is not all that complex. years, months, and hours when broken down are all comprised of moments. moments are rarely ever solitary and usually rely on those before or affect those after. every moment comes handcuffed to a choice, and these choices either propel us farther along the path we feel we are supposed to be on or further from it. I believe responses to the choices in these moments are already innately born within us all; the process of life is just waiting on us to decide who we want to be.

As 15-year-old me stood in the back of the room next to my mom, who I call Mumu, I looked at the casket that laid directly in front of me where my god mother, whom I would call mom, rested on display for everyone to see. Everything seemed to move slowly and quickly at the same time. As the haze of the funeral, procession, and burial started to come to an end, I was looking forward and outward for solace in any form. As I ran out onto the football field later that same Saturday at 4:23 p.m. for a make-up football game, tears ran down my face. This place that now I describe as where I feel the most at home had never seemed more alien. The world felt different, colder.

That day, that loss is something I never really talk about, and even now when I attempt to clear my head, two things never leave my mind: love and respect. All along without being aware of exactly how I was moving, I had been making decisions placing me where I wanted to be, law school. Perhaps it had to do with feeling like I never fit in, my willingness to stand beside someone ridiculed and subject myself too, or seeking answers to the plight I would face for ethnic reasons. for as long I can remember, the present feeling of something missing has persisted and manifested in a desire to make just what I have seen in moments of wrong. All these strengthened my roots in the foundation that was given to me.

Now, at 22 I am I just beginning to realize fully these two entities are cohesive and why the women who raised me, especially my God mom, chose to engrain them in me. Respect—knowing and acknowledging that wisdom comes from outside my own experiences enough to see I can always learn from another. Love—caring for myself enough to know I am worthy and never let that fade.

Without purposeful intention to be where I am presently, sitting in front of that casket in a San Diego cemetery in that moment forced me to make a choice—a choice to be great, a choice to want and actually go acquire more, a choice to make her proud. That choice followed me every morning when 17-year-old me awoke at 5:30 a.m. to catch the 6:24 bus to my community college; every moment during the ten-mile walk I had to make when I could not afford bus fare or service was halted; during every moment of the following three years in which my routine stayed exactly the same; throughout moments when I elected to forego football scholarship opportunities to attend Avila University in hopes of finding and making better opportunities after my athletic career. All the while, I completed three years coursework in two years time, having to take more than six classes while competing on our mock trial team, playing on a college football team, working internships, and holding a job. These moments not only drove me to get where I needed to be, but they also helped me realize I how far i've come as I took my first steps across those stages to receive both my associate and bachelor degrees.

[RationalHeretic23]

Hey everyone,

I'm über late to finding TSL and don't have any mentors to help me. was wondering you you all could offer come opinions/criticism so i can improve my ps. Still need to conclude it tho. Thanks..

Early in my life, I discovered time is a complexity that really is not all that complex. years, months, and hours when broken down are all comprised of moments. moments are rarely ever solitary and usually rely on those before or affect those after (don't end a sentence with a preposition. every moment comes handcuffed to a choice, and these choices either propel us farther along the path we feel we are supposed to be on or further from it. I believe responses to the choices in these moments are already innately born within us all; the process of life is just waiting on us to decide who we want to be.

As 15-year-old me stood in the back of the room next to my mom, who I call Mumu, I looked at the casket that laid directly in front of me where my god mother, whom I would call mom, rested on display for everyone to see. Everything seemed to move slowly and quickly at the same time. As the haze of the funeral, procession, and burial started to come to an end, I was looking forward and outward for solace in any form. As I ran out onto the football field later that same Saturday at 4:23 p.m. for a make-up football game, tears ran down my face. This place that now I describe as where I feel the most at home had never seemed more alien. The world felt different, colder.

That day, that loss is something I never really talk about, and even now when I attempt to clear my head, two things never leave my mind: love and respect. All along without being aware of exactly how I was moving, I had been making decisions placing me where I wanted to be, law school. Perhaps it had to do with feeling like I never fit in, my willingness to stand beside someone ridiculed and subject myself too, or seeking answers to the plight I would face for ethnic reasons. for as long (as) I can remember, the present feeling of something missing has persisted and manifested in a desire to make just what I have seen in moments of wrong (maybe consider re-writing this sentence. It seems a bit awkward. Maybe it's just me, but I was confused by your use of the word "just". I initially read it as the adverb rather than the adjective and it made me unsure of what the sentence was saying. But again, maybe that's just me misreading it. But I think I'd let you know because if it happened to me then it probably can happen to other readers as well). All these strengthened my roots in the foundation that was given to me.

Now, at 22 I am I just beginning to realize fully these two entities are cohesive and why the women who raised me, especially my God mom, chose to engrain them in me. Respect—knowing and acknowledging that wisdom comes from outside my own experiences enough to see I can always learn from another. Love—caring for myself enough to know I am worthy and never let that fade.

Without purposeful intention to be where I am presently, sitting in front of that casket in a San Diego cemetery in that moment forced me to make a choice—a choice to be great, a choice to want and actually go acquire more, a choice to make her proud. That choice followed me every morning when 17-year-old me awoke at 5:30 a.m. to catch the 6:24 bus to my community college; every moment during the ten-mile walk I had to make when I could not afford bus fare or service was halted; during every moment of the following three years in which my routine stayed exactly the same; throughout moments when I elected to forego football scholarship opportunities to attend Avila University in hopes of finding and making better opportunities after my athletic career. All the while, I completed three years coursework in two years time, having to take more than six classes while competing on our mock trial team, playing on a college football team, working internships, and holding a job. These moments not only drove me to get where I needed to be, but they also helped me realize I how far i've (don't use contractions. Say "I have") come as I took my first steps across those stages to receive both my associate and bachelor degrees.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

[SooLost]

@RationalHeretic23 thank you!! overall what's your thought on it?

[lymenheimer]

I'm not a fan of your PS. In short, it seems like you have had this welling inside you for some time and needed to get it out. You're obviously very attached to this moment, but forcing it into a selling point is not the way to go. It's a very touching piece, but doesn't fit the bill.
For one, your attempted philosophical/thought-provoking statements at the beginning aren't as insightful as you may think and they don't really serve a purpose to further your PS. They come off as ramblings. Secondly, you don't show us anything about you. You bounce around from setting to setting, with no clear indication of timeline, regardless of that being your intention (hint: it shouldn't be). In your final paragraph you shove so much substance into a few sentences where you should, instead, be elaborating on these things and spending most of your PS talking about them. Unfortunately, your PS doesn't show the reader much about you, other than you cared for someone a lot, and you sporadically made some choices (because idk how they follow on a timeline). You have some decent pieces, but nothing strong enough to encourage you to submit this as is.

[cheesy143]

I would delete the first paragraph. It sounds forced and like it's trying too hard to come off insightful. Law schools aren't looking for how broad your vocabulary is or how philosophical you can be.

I think thre are too many themes that none are established clearly such as time, love and respect. I think you tried too much at once and instead of one clearly established direction we have a lot of small incomplete ideas which makes it confusing for the reader. I personally would like to hear more about your college achievements, it sounds like your did a lot. I think a PS talking about the struggles aka when you talked about the bus, finances etc. Compared to all you achieved despite that could be powerful.

[totesTheGoat]

My schtick is doing inline comments as I read the PS, so here goes. I also tend to be a bit blunt. I think being blunt helps to show you what is really bad versus what is just kinda bad or not my preference.

Early in my life, I discovered time is a complexity that really is not all that complex. years, months, and hours when broken down are all comprised of moments. moments are rarely ever solitary and usually rely on those before or affect those after. every moment comes handcuffed to a choice, and these choices either propel us farther along the path we feel we are supposed to be on or further from it. I believe responses to the choices in these moments are already innately born within us all; the process of life is just waiting on us to decide who we want to be.

This isn't a philosophy essay. You can cut this entire paragraph.

As 15-year-old me stood in the back of the room next to my mom, who I call Mumu, I looked at the casket that laid directly in front of me where my god mother, whom I would call mom, rested on display for everyone to see. Everything seemed to move slowly and quickly at the same time. As the haze of the funeral, procession, and burial started to come to an end, I was looking forward and outward for solace in any form. As I ran out onto the football field later that same Saturday at 4:23 p.m. for a make-up football game, tears ran down my face. This place that now I describe as where I feel the most at home had never seemed more alien. The world felt different, colder.

One of the big things that I tell a bunch of 0Ls when talking about a PS is that every paragraph and every sentence needs to be pointed toward why you're qualified for law school. I don't think that this paragraph (or this PS, in general) does that. In essence, a PS is not about your emotions. What you feel has nothing to do with whether you're qualified for law school. You're telling a story when you really should be showing, through anecdote, personal growth or a personal quality that makes you well suited for law school.

That day, that loss is something I never really talk about, and even now when I attempt to clear my head, two things never leave my mind: love and respect. All along without being aware of exactly how I was moving, I had been making decisions placing me where I wanted to be, law school. Perhaps it had to do with feeling like I never fit in, my willingness to stand beside someone ridiculed and subject myself too, or seeking answers to the plight I would face for ethnic reasons. for as long I can remember, the present feeling of something missing has persisted and manifested in a desire to make just what I have seen in moments of wrong. All these strengthened my roots in the foundation that was given to me.

This is entirely too ethereal for a PS. Even at its most concrete, this paragraph "tells" a narrative rather than "showing" personal growth.

Now, at 22 I am I just beginning to realize fully these two entities are cohesive and why the women who raised me, especially my God mom, chose to engrain them in me. Respect—knowing and acknowledging that wisdom comes from outside my own experiences enough to see I can always learn from another. Love—caring for myself enough to know I am worthy and never let that fade.

This is about as close as you've gotten to "showing" personal growth, but it's still not very close. I really think that this story is just not very well suited for a PS.

Without purposeful intention to be where I am presently, sitting in front of that casket in a San Diego cemetery in that moment forced me to make a choice—a choice to be great, a choice to want and actually go acquire more, a choice to make her proud. That choice followed me every morning when 17-year-old me awoke at 5:30 a.m. to catch the 6:24 bus to my community college; every moment during the ten-mile walk I had to make when I could not afford bus fare or service was halted; during every moment of the following three years in which my routine stayed exactly the same; throughout moments when I elected to forego football scholarship opportunities to attend Avila University in hopes of finding and making better opportunities after my athletic career. All the while, I completed three years coursework in two years time, having to take more than six classes while competing on our mock trial team, playing on a college football team, working internships, and holding a job. These moments not only drove me to get where I needed to be, but they also helped me realize I how far i've come as I took my first steps across those stages to receive both my associate and bachelor degrees.

Now, in the last paragraph, you jam in a ton of anecdotes, each inhabiting a small phrase in a run-on sentence. It seems that you have a wealth of experience to draw from, but you've focused on writing a story about your emotions rather than showing the reader one of your character traits. Ditch all the "realizations" and "life lessons" and pick one or two anecdotes out of this paragraph that showcase your perseverance, initiative, growth, or something else. Then, write in more detail about those experiences, tying them to a character trait as a theme. Remember, use the anecdote to "show" the character trait. Don't "tell" the reader that you have the character trait.

[RationalHeretic23]

@RationalHeretic23 thank you!! overall what's your thought on it?

Don't get discouraged by the negative feedback man. I posted my PS here and got completely ripped to shreds. It ended up helping me enormously and I am a better applicant because of it. Just keep your head up and keep working to improve. Feel free to PM me if you need any more help

[SooLost]

THANK YOU ALL, seriously negative or positive i need to hear it. Appreciate it

[totesTheGoat]

Please come back with edited drafts for further commentary, we'll be more than glad to help!

[cheesy143]

Yes I would love to read another draft!