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Looking to transfer to FSU college of law. I was told by admissions the earlier the better.

Fortunately I have the 1L G.P.A/ rank they look for,Top 20%. I currently attend a TTTT.

ANY help, grammar wise, structure, etc would be helpful. I was told to keep it SHORT and TO THE POINT.

THIS IS MY FIRST DRAFT. Literally just wrote this in Starbucks haha.



My journey to this point has been one of great experiences as well as lessons learned. Having experienced multiple locations through internships, education, and work experience, it is time to come home.
Prior to matriculation at my current school, I was unsure of how I would enjoy law school, how I would perform, and what it entailed. Some of this was due to personal expectations to live up to my father’s career in law, the unknown of the process, and the notorious first-year pressure.
I started off my first day of law school by reading a note my father left in my apartment. The letter read, “Work hard, make yourself proud, and the rest will follow”. I quickly read this letter as I was stressing and struggling through the readings assigned for the first day of class. Everyday thereafter I studied keeping those words in the back of my mind. I stayed motivated and determined to succeed in law school. As I started to command a deeper understanding of the materials, my enjoyment of law school became apparent. I soon realized that I found my calling and that I had completely dedicated myself to the study of law.
Considering that I am from Florida, my father practices in the state, and the Florida State College of Law is the top ranked law program in the area, my desire to transfer is strong.
In the instance I am accepted to the Florida State College of Law, I will work as hard as possible to gain the largest breadth of knowledge to bring back to my father’s firm. The personal motivation I have to become an asset to the firm is very high. My first step to becoming an asset is to learn as much as possible during my law school education, from the best law school that I can gain acceptance.
My intent to transfer is very high on both a practical and personal level. For the aforementioned reasons, The Florida State College of law is my top choice, and I hope the institution will see favorably on my intent, commitment, and enthusiasm to transfer.

Congrats on writing a first draft and on your prospects for a successful transfer! Did FSU provide you with a prompt or is this the equivalent of a PS? [Sorry, as a 0L I am unfamiliar with the transfer process]. Depending on what precisely they asked you to do in this statement, I think it might be a good idea to mention something about FSU as an institution apart from their regional rank and vicinity to your fathers firm. These elements are clearly important to your choice, but if you can mention something about FSU in particular - say, one of their programs you'd like to participate in, a focus of the law school that is also one of your interests, etc. - this might make the statement stronger. Similarly, though I understand your father's firm is an important motivator, you might think about mentioning why you'd like to study law for your own sake.

In addition, I think you need to think about changing the beginning sentence substantially - as it is, I think it is too vague to be really meaningful.

In any case, see below your essay with some suggested revisions at the sentence/grammar-level. Be sure to take them with a healthy grain of salt.

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My journey to this point has consisted at once of great experiences and lessons learned. Having relocated multiple times for employment, internships and education, it is time for me to come home.

Prior to matriculation at [put the name of your current school here], I was not sure what law school entailed, whether I would enjoy it, and how I would perform. This was due, in part, to the pressure to live up to my father's career in law - a weight the notorious first-year stress did little to alleviate.

I started my first day of law school by reading a note my father left in my apartment: “Work hard, make yourself proud, and the rest will follow." I read his words quickly, as I struggled to get through my assigned readings: at the time, their truth did not seem so obvious. Yet, everyday thereafter I studied with those words in the back of my mind. Determined to succeed, I stayed motivated - and as I started to command a deeper understanding of the materials, I soon realized how much I enjoyed studying the law. "The rest," it turned out, did follow: I found my calling and am now dedicated to the study of law.

Considering that I am from Florida, that my father practices in the state, and that the Florida State College of Law is the top ranked law program in the area, my desire to transfer is strong. If I am admitted, I will work as hard as possible to gain the largest breadth of knowledge to bring back to my father’s firm [you might consider removing this to focus your essay on your desire for learning for its own sake, rather than for the sake of the firm]. The personal motivation I have to become an asset to the firm [idem: think about what you want for your sake] is very high. My first step to becoming an asset is to learn as much as possible during my law school education, from the best law school to which I can gain admission.

My commitment to transferring, then, is high on both a practical and personal level. For the aforementioned reasons, The Florida State College of Law is my top choice, and I hope the institution will look favorably on my intent, commitment, and enthusiasm.