PS critique and suggestions Please Forum

[Anonymous User]

I stood at the entrance of this room full of colorful displays hoping to make it my second home. This was the first day of the academic year and the beginning of an exciting journey for me. As the kids walked in, I warmly welcomed them to my classroom and invited them to take a seat. A few minutes later, I introduced myself as the new 7th grade math teacher. I underlined my previous experiences as a technology teacher and a substitute, and laid out my classroom rules and expectations. This approach helped me set the tone and create a great learning environment. From that moment, this room became my second home and these students grew to be my extended family.

I have always wanted to be a teacher. “Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world”, this quote by Nelson Mandela inspired me throughout my teaching career. I felt grateful to be in a position to prepare students for their future, to motivate, encourage and guide them through their learning experience. But sadly not every child knew that experience. Such was the case of my mother who was raised by her uncle and had to do farm works and house chores every day. That was sixty years ago, unfortunately even today many kids around the world do not have access to education.

My academic career started in a school located in a high income community where the state provided more funding, students received more support and teachers had better tools at their disposal. During my rookie year, the most challenging part of my assignment was to make my instruction interesting to the students within the limit of the curriculum adopted by the state. That year was a learning curve for me and I worked very hard to master the curriculum just to provide a better classroom experience and quality education to my students. But by the time I started the second year, the state changed the curriculum.

These rapid changes in the curriculum negatively impacted the dynamic in the classroom and affected the learning process especially of low income students. On my third year, the curriculum was once again modified. At the time, I was teaching in a low income school which received less than its fair chair of the state and local funding. Insufficient and torn textbooks, lack of school supplies, and outdated teaching equipment were also challenges that I dealt with on a daily basis. Albeit these challenges, I related to these students on a more personal and deeper level, I identified with their story, and understood their struggle outside the classroom. I learned their goals and aspirations as well as their obstacles and hardships. I became more involved in their learning process and worked relentlessly to make sure I gave those students the tools they needed to succeed. I stayed long hours after school for tutoring, spent additional time explaining a lesson, and mentoring them as needed. Ultimately, my commitment and my extra efforts led them to academic success.

These students made me realize that I need to do more and stand not only for them but for every underprivileged kid and every dedicated teacher. I believe educational policy should be implemented to inspire creativity and make learning easier for every student. It should enable access to education and offer equal opportunity to every kid regardless of race or income level. More importantly, it should be crafted by those who have experience and expertise as educators. My personal and professional experience as a teacher and mentor strengthen my beliefs and solidify my decision to pursue a legal career.

[Mockingbird42]

1) you use "second home" 2x in the first paragraph

2) your story about teaching is incredibly generic. I feel I've heard the story a hundred times and I don't feel like I really know you any better.

3) the timeline is fuzzy. You have two changes during your career (the curriculum and the school you work at) and I'm struggling to figure out what change applies when and has had what affect. I think if you can carefully line up these issues, your point will be clearer.
3b) You need to do a better job explaining why updating the curriculum is bad. As of now, it comes across like you just can't keep up when changes and challenges are thrown at you.

4) Why are becoming a lawyer if "education is the most powerful way to change the world"? I think it would be more compelling if you explained how law is a better tool.

5) Why did you connect better with the low-income kids? Did you grow up poor? Did they do something interesting or try harder than the rich kids? This is a place you could add anecdotes.

If there is one criticism to take away its that you need to "Show, not tell." I think this outline could work, but its so impersonal and unsupported that its hard to connect with your story.

[kidpa]

Thank you, M42.That's very insightful. I will address all these issues and edit. You mentioned it is generic. Any suggestions on how to make a more compelling approach?

[Mockingbird42]

Mainly make it more narrative. Add stories, build it up with personal details, insert more personality. Right now the essay could apply to almost any teacher. Make it unique and applicable only to you.

[kidpa]

Thank you M42, I'll work on it!