Critique my C&F addendum, please! Forum

[Anonymous User]

Please let me know what you think!! Any suggestions on the second paragraph are especially appreciated.

At age seventeen, I was caught shoplifting. My case was sent to mediation. After shadowing a department store loss prevention officer, writing an essay about what my experience had taught me, and performing community service, my case was expunged.

My arrest came at a time when I had been considering dropping out of high school. The lessons learned from my actions taught me about the person I wanted to be. In particular, I credit my community service at a local soup kitchen for helping me grow as a person and inspiring me to continue my education.

[rpupkin]

Drop the second paragraph entirely.

[Good Guy Gaud]

I would remove the sentence about dropping out of high school. Not necessary information so it shouldn't be included.

[Anonymous User]

Drop the second paragraph entirely.

Really? That's how I had it originally, but I had a lot of feedback about adding a sentence or two about the lesson I learned.

Can I ask why you think I shouldn't include that?

[rpupkin]

Drop the second paragraph entirely.

Really? That's how I had it originally, but I had a lot of feedback about adding a sentence or two about the lesson I learned.

Can I ask why you think I shouldn't include that?

The sentence about dropping out of high school seems like a non-sequitur. The next two sentences seem trite.

I disagree with the advice you got. You were a minor. No one is really going to care about the shoplifting. Just limit your addendum to the first paragraph.