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Thanks guys.

I actually think this could be a good statement. However, I think you need to evaluate your use of the term "adversity." Being cut from the men's volleyball team is not adversity, and it almost made me stop reading.

PoopyPants wrote:I actually think this could be a good statement. However, I think you need to evaluate your use of the term "adversity." Being cut from the men's volleyball team is not adversity, and it almost made me stop reading.

I understand it's not "addicted to drugs" level of adversity, but it was still a tough time. I agree that it is a poor word choice though, so how should I re-phrase it? Maybe just say I felt defeated and it caused me to step outside my comfort zone instead?

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I really liked it as a compelling story about the success of hard work and your ability to adapt to increased working loads! But I also think 'adversity' isn't quite right. Obstacle is great, and any other word that implies a challenge of some kind. But, as it is worded now, your perception of adversity sounds a little naive. It might be the Post World War II movies I've watched lately, but the way you start out felt very grand, and made me think that this was a story about about how people fade into the background and get lost in bureaucracy (i.e., Immigration, Prison, or some sort of Holocaust analogy).
If that's not anyone else's impression, then just ignore me!

Anonymous User wrote:
I understand it's not "addicted to drugs" level of adversity, but it was still a tough time. I agree that it is a poor word choice though, so how should I re-phrase it? Maybe just say I felt defeated and it caused me to step outside my comfort zone instead?

Adversity is the cancer my wife's patients have to deal with at 2 or 3 years old. I think the bolded is perfect. Wording it that way will not make you seem sheltered, which is how you sound calling getting cut from a college sport adversity. You can see how that sounds super privileged. Saying it was an obstacle is reasonable.

I completely agree with the others. It's a really good personal statement, but is not adversity in any way, shape, or form. An obstacle or a setback is a far better way to describe it.