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I think the "I used to be afraid of public speaking" topic is a little generic. It doesn't really make you stand out. A lot of people have problems with public speaking in high school but get better in college (and law school). That doesn't mean you can't stick with your topic, but your PS will need some work. The second to last paragraph is particularly hokey. I'm not trying to be mean, but you were a campus tour guide, but you're acting like you got the cultural exposure of working at the U.N.

Mr. Archer wrote:I think the "I used to be afraid of public speaking" topic is a little generic. It doesn't really make you stand out. A lot of people have problems with public speaking in high school but get better in college (and law school). That doesn't mean you can't stick with your topic, but your PS will need some work. The second to last paragraph is particularly hokey. I'm not trying to be mean, but you were a campus tour guide, but you're acting like you got the cultural exposure of working at the U.N.

It wasn't meant to convey I simply got better at public speaking, it was more about recognizing I had a weakness and stepping way outside of my comfort zone to address it. I understand your critique though, just trying to hear more feedback.
A few questions:
1.) Did you get a good idea of what kind of person I am?
2.) Was it safe enough to be used at schools that I have the stats to get in?
3.) Was it well written?
4.) What work does this PS need specifically?

1. No, I have no idea who you are other than a past tour guide who made a flashlight and can now speak in front of people.

2. Probably

3. For the most part

4. Previous poster was right. Don't try to explain how enlightening your experience was by telling the reader how enlightening it was. When you do it the way you did, it makes me think that you are out of touch with reality. After reading this, I was left feeling that you thought being a tour guide was the most influential experience of your ENTIRE life.

jepper wrote:1. No, I have no idea who you are other than a past tour guide who made a flashlight and can now speak in front of people.

2. Probably

3. For the most part

4. Previous poster was right. Don't try to explain how enlightening your experience was by telling the reader how enlightening it was. When you do it the way you did, it makes me think that you are out of touch with reality. After reading this, I was left feeling that you thought being a tour guide was the most influential experience of your ENTIRE life.

1. Even just looking at personal statements on this site, or the ones featured on UChicago's site (http://www.law.uchicago.edu/alumni/maga ... irownwords), I have no idea who these people are either from their essays. I learned from the first essay on UChicago's that she played piano, which somehow led to a few other personal characteristics. Is it really possible to convey more about myself than I already did?

4. It was a highly influential experience though, which is why I chose to write about it. It is one of the most prestigious, and highly competitive jobs to acquire at the university. You both are right about the second to last paragraph/enlightening issue. I might axe the public speaking angle as well and really just focus on the campus tour guide job, because it is a unique topic. Do you think that would be more interesting and genuine?

1.) Not really. I know you solved your problem of public speaking. The school doesn't have to learn everything about who you are, but I would say learning something that makes you stand out is important.
2.) As a topic, it would probably be safe to use but still not the best. It would depend on the school's acceptance rate/your stats/your resume'.
3.) Your writing is ok. The transition between the first and second paragraph doesn't really work and is awkward. I already commented on the second to last paragraph. You use some awkward wording throughout. Remember that a fancier word isn't necessarily a better word.
4.) Hard to be specific since I don't like your overall topic. It looks like you're pretty earlier in drafting, so spend some time focusing on what you really want a law school to know about you and then edit accordingly.

Mr. Archer wrote:1.) Not really. I know you solved your problem of public speaking. The school doesn't have to learn everything about who you are, but I would say learning something that makes you stand out is important.
2.) As a topic, it would probably be safe to use but still not the best. It would depend on the school's acceptance rate/your stats/your resume'.
3.) Your writing is ok. The transition between the first and second paragraph doesn't really work and is awkward. I already commented on the second to last paragraph. You use some awkward wording throughout. Remember that a fancier word isn't necessarily a better word.
4.) Hard to be specific since I don't like your overall topic. It looks like you're pretty earlier in drafting, so spend some time focusing on what you really want a law school to know about you and then edit accordingly.

Appreciate the feedback. Luckily I am early in drafting and have a few other topics I can write about, so I might give those a shot before revising this one.