Personal Statement - please critique/proof-read Forum

[Anonymous User]

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[Unfathomableruckus]

Replace "resent" with "resentment". Also, it's super solid but my biggest criticism would be this: if you're going to talk about your interest in law, don't introduce it as an afterthought in the very last sentence- put a little more context about that decision. Why law?

[TheRealSantaClaus]

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[Anonymous User]

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[kade]

Very powerful and genuine story. A great read.

But I agree with others that you need to elaborate on the why law question. I recommend researching into disability law, and adding a few sentences about it would package your PS beautifully. Thanks for sharing

[Anonymous User]

Kade,

Many thanks, my pleasure to share.

Are you saying that it is necessary to answer the question "Why Law?" in any personal statement?

I'm not sure whether you read the essay in the OP or the one in the most recent response, but I decided to remove the portion about why law, as can be seen in the most recent response (before yours). I've been told countless times that answering that question isn't necessary so I decided to omit it. However, some of the schools I am applying to do require an answer to that question, and so if I had to include an answer to why law, it would come in between the final two paragraphs, and would read:

In the process of discovering my intellectual capability, I became curious and learned more about the systemic disadvantages faced by the disabled in our society. I was angered to find that the greatest providers of mental health care in the U.S. are prisons, but also reminded that I had made a sound decision by not relying on public institutions to facilitate Nour’s development. I found fulfillment in standing up for Nour, but I wanted to do more. The prospect of becoming an attorney and having the ability to advocate on behalf of the disabled appealed to me because it would afford me the chance to contribute to a cause that is important to me while providing me further opportunities for intellectual and professional growth. ...
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Would really appreciate your thoughts. Also, I think this will take me over two pages, but please read the prompt of this response and let me know which essay you were commenting on in your response i.e. (the one in OP? or recently posted/revised?)

[kade]

Your PS was even better in my second time reading your revised draft. Great metaphor of teaching your sister "how to stand up for herself." This is probably the strongest PS that I've read on TLS in the last year and a half.

Answering the why law question is unnecessary in certain prompts, but in my reading including the bolded statement feels more complete with it. To take it back down to two pages, there are some sentences that can be put more concisely. My suggestions are in blue.

unquoted--Good luck!

Good luck, and thanks again for sharing. PM if you'd like me to unquote.

[Anonymous User]

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