More revised version (PI focused/Refugee advocacy) Forum

[Unfathomableruckus]

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[Unfathomableruckus]

I'm confused. 26 people have read this but there is no response. Could it be that my PS is so awesome that nobody wants to touch it, or is is so shitty that nobody want s to touch it? Inquiring minds want to know.

[Unfathomableruckus]

42. Cold as ice, guys. One word. Help.

[harvardorbust2016]

So I only read this very quickly, as I'm about to go to work, but here's the general impression.

You come across as very self involved and self important. This could be a really interesting narrative, but you're going about it the wrong way. It's too much like a resume, and too little of you.

This time two years ago, I was a pregnant college student working as a tutor with irregular hours, and volunteering at ****. I had an undocumented husband and was living in a broken-down house with fourteen Guatemalan immigrants. My English parents, the only family that I had in this country, were refusing to speak to me.

This is the one point in the essay where you get a little vulnerable and reveal more about who you are as a person. The PS should be used to tell law schools what they cannot find on any other part of your application -- this is it.

Sorry I can't go into more detailed feedback now, but please feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like to discuss it further.

[Unfathomableruckus]

So I only read this very quickly, as I'm about to go to work, but here's the general impression.

You come across as very self involved and self important. This could be a really interesting narrative, but you're going about it the wrong way. It's too much like a resume, and too little of you.

This time two years ago, I was a pregnant college student working as a tutor with irregular hours, and volunteering at ****. I had an undocumented husband and was living in a broken-down house with fourteen Guatemalan immigrants. My English parents, the only family that I had in this country, were refusing to speak to me.

This is the one point in the essay where you get a little vulnerable and reveal more about who you are as a person. The PS should be used to tell law schools what they cannot find on any other part of your application -- this is it.

Sorry I can't go into more detailed feedback now, but please feel free to shoot me a PM if you'd like to discuss it further.

Alright! Thanks! Yeah so the self-important bit... Pretty much my worst nightmare. I had written one with more stuff about my baby, my abusive childhood and other very serious, dark stuff, but I scrapped it because I wanted to come off positively and there is essentially no way to do that. I also just found out that my husband has been cheating on me with sex workers for 2 years. I have plenty of hardship to write about, but do I have to write about that? I want to take back my life by taking about my accomplishments, not give it to the people who have hurt me. Is there any way I can keep my topic on my life's work without coming off as grandiose or whatever?

[harvardorbust2016]

Alright! Thanks! Yeah so the self-important bit... Pretty much my worst nightmare. I had written one with more stuff about my baby, my abusive childhood and other very serious, dark stuff, but I scrapped it because I wanted to come off positively and there is essentially no way to do that. I also just found out that my husband has been cheating on me with sex workers for 2 years. I have plenty of hardship to write about, but do I have to write about that? I want to take back my life by taking about my accomplishments, not give it to the people who have hurt me. Is there any way I can keep my topic on my life's work without coming off as grandiose or whatever?

Start with a brief narrative of the section I pointed out earlier, then discuss how, exactly, that inspired you to move into the work that you're doing now and plan to continue with your law education. It doesn't have to be all grief and sadness and agony, but it does have to discuss the human side of you.

[Alive97]

I didn't get that you are self-involved or self-important out of that at all. You sound self-confident, and your statements about yourself are relevant to your argument with regard to law school. You describe your accomplishments and you state them as such because you should; they are awesome ones, and you should play them up. I think the confidence that comes through in what you wrote is a very good thing, and I would not tone it down one bit. In fact I would focus the overall message to be more about YOU and what YOU can do.

I also like the practicality of your argument for yourself as a law student. You are not saying you want to change the world or (as you mention) just have a vague interest in the law. You have an immediate need to become a lawyer to advance the work you're already doing, and legal training poses a guaranteed benefit to you and those you're helping. You have a very powerful and specific argument for YOU to become a lawyer, and this line - "I don’t believe that there is a single lawyer in the local area who speaks Mam, and there is certainly a need for one" - is very telling. Not many law school applicants have such a specific argument for themselves; they are just generally saying they're great and unique.

So if I were you, that practicality of what you're doing, and what lead you to that point and why you want legal training, would be my core themes. Just keep in mind that in developing those themes, you want to say a lot about you, and why a law school should take you for purposes of legal training.

To develop those themes, I would try to give the paper more structure, leading logically from one topic to the next, each topic being distinct and treated separately from the others. As it stands, it seems like you jump around a bit. I would roughly outline what you have so far as follows:

- Intro being the go-to person.

- Specific goal for law school of helping the clients you help now, and summary of what you do now. Also mentioning the Mam Mayas' predicament here.

- You broke down the language barrier where you are, leading to huge practical benefits. Also mentioning being a role model to the young Mam Maya, and this group needing a lawyer, and your potential future benefit to the young ones as a lawyer.

- Your focus in life becoming much more clear subsequent to recent events. Background regarding hardships recently experienced. Also mentioning getting your husband citizenship, how you've realized your ability, but need legal training to take it further. And mentioning being a role model for your daughter.

- Dream of advocating for refugees in order to bring them up, which you must do. I would keep this conclusion focused on your story which is not as broad as talking about human civilzation and a just world. Those sentences can probably just be cut.

Notice how each time I wrote "also mentioning" above, it's potentially a new logical topic that could be another paragraph. An example of something that would be more clearly defined and logically transitioning would be: Intro of being the go-to person -> background re hardships -> how that led to what you're doing now -> your accomplishments as an advocate (really let your light shine here) -> your passion for bringing these people up, and being a role model -> the benefits to you and your clients that legal training would bring -> some conclusion that doesn't get too abstract, but instead keeps to your specific argument.

Hope that helps.

[Alive97]

Another thought here - it might not be a bad idea for your PS to not discuss past hardships, but be focused solely on your work and everything you want to discuss surrounding that. Make it about your accomplishments and YOU, and why you want legal training. Then, your hardships are well-suited for a diversity statement or other optional thing that a lot of law schools have, where you're talking about how your background contributes to the student body. There you could discuss overcoming adversity.

[Unfathomableruckus]

Hey so I took a lot of you guys' advice. Also, a coworker of mine said I should just do 2 pages for everyone. Even Berkeley. I think that's a good idea. Here's my essay. I think it's finished.

Every day, strangers call my phone, and ask me timidly in Spanish if I’m “*** the Lawyer”. I tell them my name isn’t ***, and I’m not a lawyer, but maybe I can be of service to them. They hear about me through others in the refugee community, of which I have become a well-known ally through my work at an organization called **** (****). I assist them to the best of my abilities, but I know I could do more with a greater depth of knowledge. I need to go to law school, because my clients deserve to be represented by the lawyer they think I am.
I’m not seeking a legal education because I have a vague interest in law, but because I know it would help me to become a better version of myself. My life’s work consists of guiding indigenous Guatemalan refugees through the often confusing process of obtaining legal status for themselves and their families. Most of my clients at **** are Mam Maya, an indigenous group from the rural highlands of Guatemala. They have taught me the massacres perpetrated by the Guatemalan military in their scorched earth campaign against the guerrillas. This is a community that has survived centuries of genocide, exploitation, and discrimination, but despite the strong incentives to abandon their culture, and assimilate into the dominant Ladino (Non-indigenous Guatemalan) society, Mam Maya people continue their tradition of resistance with dignity and pride. My contact with them has enriched my life and inspired me to do what I can to support them in their valiant bid for a life free from harm.
The unfathomable strength of my clients motivates me to persevere in the face of my own personal struggles. While not quite comparable with the stories of my clients I have also had a tumultuous past. I suffered physical, verbal and sexual abuse in my youth, and I used to often think that I was incapable of living a normal life because of this. However, seeing my clients facing their pasts and taking control of their futures inspires me to do the same. Although I can’t say I wouldn’t undo the things that happened to me if I could, I now think that my past gives me critical perspective in interacting with my clients sensitively and compassionately.
Mam Maya people usually speak Spanish as a second language. After a few months at ****, I realized that many of our clients were muddling through some of the most important conversations of their lives in a language that they did not speak fluently. I therefore committed myself to learning to speak Mam Maya. So far, it has been a difficult process because no formal class exists in the United States. To fill that need, I have created a language exchange program wherein a mixed group of Mam-speaking English-speaking people meet weekly to practice speaking both languages for an hour per language. This experience has illustrated to me that I don’t need to wait for opportunities to present themselves to me; I can create them, for myself, and for others. I now speak Mam Maya daily with my clients, and my knowledge of this language affected me profoundly. The significance of family and community in the Mam Maya community is enormous, as Mam Maya people rely on each other to survive. I now embody these values as well, and they guide me in my life and work.
My dream is to provide support and inspiration to refugees so that they can follow their own dreams, rather than simply surviving. Getting them legal status is a crucial first step in the long process of healing necessary for them to feel that they are finally safe from harm, and free to focus on the things that move and inspire them as individuals. My role in this process is to guide them through the unfamiliar territory that they must cross in order to achieve this goal. To represent others, speaking on their behalf and making decisions for them that will impact the course of their lives, is a sacred honor. The bonds of mutual trust and obligation sustain me and drive me forward. I need a thorough legal education because I am already an advocate, and I must become a better one.

[Unfathomableruckus]

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