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[Anonymous User]

Rewriting from scratch based on what I want to keep, but refocusing. Thanks again for the feedback guys and gals.

[sanibella]

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[totesTheGoat]

I'm going to try to be gentle, but I think large portions of this are not worth keeping. The first paragraph where you drop the reader into the scene doesn't really work... it falls flat. The second paragraph comes off a bit bitter. Then, all of a sudden, you're doing work in a law firm, and then you're concluding.

Focus your PS on this:

I watched the lawyers do exactly what I often did to help out my folks; they translated the often convoluting convoluted and threatening-sounding legal jargon, crafted arguments to advocate for the client’s position, and they explain the facts and procedures of the case. But perhaps the most significant similarity is that ultimately the lawyer’s job is one of a facilitator.

You can still weave your experience as translator into the story, but the focus should be on the experience and personal development you had in the law firm. The tone of your PS immediately went from "I was burdened with translation" to "I was inspired by lawyers" when you started focusing on your law firm experience.

[Anonymous User]

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond guys. Totes I agree that the scene doesnt work. I'm confident I can write it to work, but it would take up a lot of space and im trying to have a light PS so I can fit a "why x school" paragraph for certain schools I have reasons to attend but dont allow an extra essay. Any suggestions on how to sound less bitter/burdened about the translation thing? I'm not complaining about it, just need to highlight how the immigrant situation changed my formative years. Ideally my PS would simply communicate; I have worked closely with lawyers at a firm, and some of the things lawyers actually do resemble things I've been doing all my life for my parents due to them being older immigrants.

Gonna work on this and maybe post a new draft later, thanks again.

[sanibella]

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[totesTheGoat]

I'm confident I can write it to work, but it would take up a lot of space and im trying to have a light PS so I can fit a "why x school" paragraph for certain schools I have reasons to attend but dont allow an extra essay.

I think a good PS can outperform a good "why X school" paragraph. I'd reconsider this.

Any suggestions on how to sound less bitter/burdened about the translation thing?

I'll try to point to the parts that caught my eye:

Sometimes it would be from the resonating bellows of my father, other times, it’s my mother’s shrill calling.

I think characterizing your parents' voices comes off negative in this context, especially with the use of the word "shrill" which usually has negative implications.

Usually, the call would come simply for me to serve as a Spanish- English dictionary in some fashion

The bolded part comes off dismissive, which combines with the prior "shrill" sentence to give a burdened/bitter tone.

A far more tedious common source of the call

Then, the burdened/bitter tone is solidified by the use of the word "tedious" here, which reaffirms the dismissiveness.

Turn the tone around by talking about what these experiences did to develop you personally. As an example:

Sometimes it would be from the resonating bellows of my father, other times, it’s my mother’s shrill calling.

could be transformed into something like:

Sometimes I would hear resonating bellows of my father, other times it was my mother’s calling. Either way, I knew that my parents were relying on me for their livelihood, an enormous responsibility for a 14 year old.

Instead of trying to paint a picture of the scene in your reader's mind, constantly try to paint a picture of you in their mind. Your current sentence, as written, paints a (somewhat unflattering) picture of your parents in my mind. Your sentence, as amended and added to by me, paints a picture of (an industrious 14 year old) you in my mind.

That's what you need to keep in mind for every sentence. Ask yourself, "is this sentence necessary to paint a good picture of me in the mind of the reader?"

[cbbinnyc]

My two cents:

I agree with earlier critiques but, additionally, I'm not sure the overall theme of this statement is particularly strong. As you commented, you want to draw parallels between being a translator and being a lawyer. This could work, but I don't know that stating definitely that a lawyer is ultimately a 'facilitator' is working for you. First of all, it seems like a bad idea to spend a paragraph explaining what a lawyer does when the people reading the essay work at a law school. Secondly, lawyers play a lot of different roles - certainly, facilitation can be part of it, but it's a bit of a narrow characterization. I think the solution is to focus on your particular experience at this law firm, rather than generalizing about the field of law. It will also make the statement more personal as you will be talking about your personal experience.

Also, don't use the word 'lubricate'.