Engineering PS - Redrafted! - Revised 11/8/15
Posted: Wed Nov 04, 2015 6:22 pm
Please critique my PS as I get ready to move on to applications. Applying in the top 20
Based on all of the comments below, I tried forming a better narrative and taking out some of the "fantastic" language and made it more credible. Please let me know about further suggestions! I used information from all posts up through totesthegoat for this revision. Any further commentary is certainly welcome as this is not a final draft by any means! When reading this, it flows better to me. I see that there is more of a mock trial --> what it did for me---> what I want to extend those experiences
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edited 11/8
Flyer in hand, I walked into a poorly-lit classroom building and sat in the back of a room full of people I had never met. They were mostly chatting amongst each other. Waiting for the meeting to start, I began looking over the packet the flyer recommended that I print out. Minutes later, the room quieted as a suited man walked in and the room took on a much different, more serious air. Not a sound was made until the man finally put down his coffee, and he said “Welcome to the first meeting of mock trial. Let’s get to work.” Like clockwork, the returning members opened their binders and the eager newcomers followed their lead. From that meeting’s end, I had one week to try out, and I got to work. Expeditiously, I found mock trial engaged me to diligently work to improve myself in disciplines I had little exposure to before entering college. Inside the doors of basement classrooms on the Raritan River I practiced techniques that led me to believe in the power of rhetoric and language over my collegiate years. As I spent more time in mock trial competing and studying trial technique, I learned how to harness those powers into an art that empowers others to act. The art of empowering others to act, as I soon found to be my coach’s mantra, is what many attorneys consider to be the goal and motivation of true trial advocacy - to inspire others. Inspiration has become a central focus of my career outside of mock trial as well.
During my last moment as an undergraduate, I stood up, walked to the podium I had been instructed to speak from, and for a second, I paused. The moment had felt entirely different from the closing arguments I had given during mock trials, however the purpose was the same. That moment was no longer practice for a bigger stage. After weeks of preparing just as I had for any closing, I thought I was ready. My notes, I barely needed them. Yet, as I reached the podium, I suddenly felt no amount of preparation would replicate the atmosphere I was in. In the moments before speaking, I realized the reason this new moment was markedly different from my experiences in mock trial was because for the first time, my task was to inspire an audience to believe in a tangible objective I could relate to personally. The words were no longer about fictitious people whose lives were made entirely for a competition. It clicked for me that the moment I was in was my first chance to be an advocate for real people, for people who wanted to let the world know that they were ready to innovate and take on the challenges modern society will inevitably face in the near future.
I looked at the thousands of people before me, and I began my speech. This time there was no jury, no judge, and no scoring. I was speaking to, and for, the _____ Class of 2015 TLS: Not commencement, only for 1 school (about 1,200 graduates) . It was our convocation. As I went on and got past the lines the administration required me to add for fear of monotony, I was focused on my first real glimpse at advocacy. I used the techniques I learned from mock trial to convey the struggle of our road to success and the vision of the new world we were ready to begin materializing. Only a few minutes later, which in the moment felt like only seconds, I had finished. I walked back to my seat, ready to receive my diploma as a chemical engineer, knowing that my experiences from mock trial and background as an engineer was leading me along a path I had not originally planned on taking.
An organization that I joined just after I entered college transformed me, and has shown me that I can be passionate about my work and give that work true purpose beyond its immediate use. When I think of my development as an undergraduate, my evolving figure is accompanied by my experiences in mock trial. I would not be the person I am today or the person I will be ten years from now without the perspective I learned in the courtroom. The cases I tried in a fictitious state opened my eyes to a world in which my frame of reference as an engineer and studies in advocacy would complement each other and empower me. Even as an engineer, I live by the words my coach instilled in us, which at first seemed to be irrelevant to my success as an engineer. Through law school, I hope I will one day stand up in front of a real judge and jury and inspire the trier of fact, just as mock trial had inspired me to want to become a trial attorney.
Based on all of the comments below, I tried forming a better narrative and taking out some of the "fantastic" language and made it more credible. Please let me know about further suggestions! I used information from all posts up through totesthegoat for this revision. Any further commentary is certainly welcome as this is not a final draft by any means! When reading this, it flows better to me. I see that there is more of a mock trial --> what it did for me---> what I want to extend those experiences
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edited 11/8
Flyer in hand, I walked into a poorly-lit classroom building and sat in the back of a room full of people I had never met. They were mostly chatting amongst each other. Waiting for the meeting to start, I began looking over the packet the flyer recommended that I print out. Minutes later, the room quieted as a suited man walked in and the room took on a much different, more serious air. Not a sound was made until the man finally put down his coffee, and he said “Welcome to the first meeting of mock trial. Let’s get to work.” Like clockwork, the returning members opened their binders and the eager newcomers followed their lead. From that meeting’s end, I had one week to try out, and I got to work. Expeditiously, I found mock trial engaged me to diligently work to improve myself in disciplines I had little exposure to before entering college. Inside the doors of basement classrooms on the Raritan River I practiced techniques that led me to believe in the power of rhetoric and language over my collegiate years. As I spent more time in mock trial competing and studying trial technique, I learned how to harness those powers into an art that empowers others to act. The art of empowering others to act, as I soon found to be my coach’s mantra, is what many attorneys consider to be the goal and motivation of true trial advocacy - to inspire others. Inspiration has become a central focus of my career outside of mock trial as well.
During my last moment as an undergraduate, I stood up, walked to the podium I had been instructed to speak from, and for a second, I paused. The moment had felt entirely different from the closing arguments I had given during mock trials, however the purpose was the same. That moment was no longer practice for a bigger stage. After weeks of preparing just as I had for any closing, I thought I was ready. My notes, I barely needed them. Yet, as I reached the podium, I suddenly felt no amount of preparation would replicate the atmosphere I was in. In the moments before speaking, I realized the reason this new moment was markedly different from my experiences in mock trial was because for the first time, my task was to inspire an audience to believe in a tangible objective I could relate to personally. The words were no longer about fictitious people whose lives were made entirely for a competition. It clicked for me that the moment I was in was my first chance to be an advocate for real people, for people who wanted to let the world know that they were ready to innovate and take on the challenges modern society will inevitably face in the near future.
I looked at the thousands of people before me, and I began my speech. This time there was no jury, no judge, and no scoring. I was speaking to, and for, the _____ Class of 2015 TLS: Not commencement, only for 1 school (about 1,200 graduates) . It was our convocation. As I went on and got past the lines the administration required me to add for fear of monotony, I was focused on my first real glimpse at advocacy. I used the techniques I learned from mock trial to convey the struggle of our road to success and the vision of the new world we were ready to begin materializing. Only a few minutes later, which in the moment felt like only seconds, I had finished. I walked back to my seat, ready to receive my diploma as a chemical engineer, knowing that my experiences from mock trial and background as an engineer was leading me along a path I had not originally planned on taking.
An organization that I joined just after I entered college transformed me, and has shown me that I can be passionate about my work and give that work true purpose beyond its immediate use. When I think of my development as an undergraduate, my evolving figure is accompanied by my experiences in mock trial. I would not be the person I am today or the person I will be ten years from now without the perspective I learned in the courtroom. The cases I tried in a fictitious state opened my eyes to a world in which my frame of reference as an engineer and studies in advocacy would complement each other and empower me. Even as an engineer, I live by the words my coach instilled in us, which at first seemed to be irrelevant to my success as an engineer. Through law school, I hope I will one day stand up in front of a real judge and jury and inspire the trier of fact, just as mock trial had inspired me to want to become a trial attorney.