Second Draft...Help Me Out!
Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:48 pm
My general critiques of my own writing is that: 1) Starts out too slow 2) I think it answers the "Why law" question but not sure if I hit the nail on the head 3) Feel like I'm missing something but can't put my finger on it....?
Anything that's bolded is something that I think needs editing.
Be as hard as you want. It can only help me in the long run.
----
It’s six in the morning. My alarm beeps. It’s another morning, another sandwich packed, another day at the office. I will go through another pair of scrubs, and I will watch the dentist drill into gums and glue braces onto patients’ teeth. The dentist’s job is to make the patient’s feel more confident in their looks and create “the perfect smile”. My job as dental mentee/observer is more perfunctory, and dull--generally, I clean the equipment and stare into people’s mouths as the dentist performs the procedures.
I have always been a person that craves routine, and so one would imagine this job would fit my personality. However, only a few weeks, I could not see myself keeping up a dentist’s routine for the rest of my working days. I was bored not only with the internship, but with my pre-dental academic courses. My inherent willingness to persevere, to finish what I start, had kept me on track for my first two full semesters. But my growing unhappiness was now manifesting itself in my personal life as well as in my schoolwork. My original interest in dentistry was spent, though I couldn't pinpoint a reason for this (besides boredom) at the time.
At the beginning of my sophomore year, I decided to make a clean break from my pre-dental track. I declared Psychology my major and English my minor. The following summer, I wrangled an internship at XXX firm, and started a very different routine. I started with the usual clerical tasks, of course, but then I was asked to do something that, for me, was far from routine.
I was asked to organize evidence for an upcoming trial. The file, which consisted of two full boxes, was filled with hundreds of medical reports, demands for discovery and responses to discovery, and correspondence that had to be sorted. Among the records and other miscellaneous papers was an autopsy report and accompanying photograph of a young, preteen boy lying motionless on a cold, metal table. It was evident that he would not be able to enjoy the life events that we take for granted, such as receiving an education, or the small things that we see as routine, such as getting up in the morning to go to work. I realized that my contribution to this case, no matter how minimal, gave me the opportunity to truly help his family, to get them compensation and closure after an accident. It seemed a lot more important than blankly staring at a client in a dental chair complaining about the pain from a novocaine needle. And, soon I was making other contributions, assisting my boss at trial. further learning valuable lessons about the craft of litigation and the subtleties of the law.
Now when my alarm beeps at six in the morning for work, I continue to pack my sandwich for lunch, and I do go to the office, but I know that the routine that day may involve situations not very routine at all, and that I am working to help people more than cosmetically.
Anything that's bolded is something that I think needs editing.
Be as hard as you want. It can only help me in the long run.
----
It’s six in the morning. My alarm beeps. It’s another morning, another sandwich packed, another day at the office. I will go through another pair of scrubs, and I will watch the dentist drill into gums and glue braces onto patients’ teeth. The dentist’s job is to make the patient’s feel more confident in their looks and create “the perfect smile”. My job as dental mentee/observer is more perfunctory, and dull--generally, I clean the equipment and stare into people’s mouths as the dentist performs the procedures.
I have always been a person that craves routine, and so one would imagine this job would fit my personality. However, only a few weeks, I could not see myself keeping up a dentist’s routine for the rest of my working days. I was bored not only with the internship, but with my pre-dental academic courses. My inherent willingness to persevere, to finish what I start, had kept me on track for my first two full semesters. But my growing unhappiness was now manifesting itself in my personal life as well as in my schoolwork. My original interest in dentistry was spent, though I couldn't pinpoint a reason for this (besides boredom) at the time.
At the beginning of my sophomore year, I decided to make a clean break from my pre-dental track. I declared Psychology my major and English my minor. The following summer, I wrangled an internship at XXX firm, and started a very different routine. I started with the usual clerical tasks, of course, but then I was asked to do something that, for me, was far from routine.
I was asked to organize evidence for an upcoming trial. The file, which consisted of two full boxes, was filled with hundreds of medical reports, demands for discovery and responses to discovery, and correspondence that had to be sorted. Among the records and other miscellaneous papers was an autopsy report and accompanying photograph of a young, preteen boy lying motionless on a cold, metal table. It was evident that he would not be able to enjoy the life events that we take for granted, such as receiving an education, or the small things that we see as routine, such as getting up in the morning to go to work. I realized that my contribution to this case, no matter how minimal, gave me the opportunity to truly help his family, to get them compensation and closure after an accident. It seemed a lot more important than blankly staring at a client in a dental chair complaining about the pain from a novocaine needle. And, soon I was making other contributions, assisting my boss at trial. further learning valuable lessons about the craft of litigation and the subtleties of the law.
Now when my alarm beeps at six in the morning for work, I continue to pack my sandwich for lunch, and I do go to the office, but I know that the routine that day may involve situations not very routine at all, and that I am working to help people more than cosmetically.