A Chinese girl need your help for PS Forum

[ll6693814]

Hello dear friends, this is my PS.As a ESL student, there might be some mistakes in grammar and misuse of expression.And hope you can give me some advice about the logic and structure of the PS.Thank you very very much!!!!!

What influenced me most during my undergraduate work in law was not legal theory or ideology, but my 400 hours of volunteer work in a legal aid center and a pro bono case in my clinic class I handled. The experience thrilled me with the sense of achievement of helping others and inspired me to persist in the pursuit of social justice, no matter the obstacles.

The pro bono case in my clinic class I handled was about recovering the surgery fee for a injured migrant worker.His boss didn’t brought him insurance and denied him pay. The fee from hospital drained him and he had no additional money to pay a lawyer. It was my first case, and every time I sat down to work on it, I was haunted by the desperation I saw in his eyes. My friend and I worked diligently to collect every evidence and cite the law, including three sleepless days and nights before the trail. The boss’ lawyer disregarded us and even didn’t look us in the eyes because of our youth. But we astonished him with counterarguments for every point he made, plunged him into an atmosphere in which he even choked and spluttered.the case ended up with a complete victory and a howling cry of the worker.Two images remain in my mind: one, the unbelievable and shameful look on the lawyer’s face and another, our client limping toward us with his family, tears in their eyes. This was the first time during our month-long contact that his eyes expressed something other than pain, perhaps even hope. Judged both in complexity and amount of money, it was just a small case;but it provided a poor family with the urgent money for surgery to save the only labor, who is both a father, son and husband; and it inspired a young girl in her first exposure to law to be even more determined to practice law in her whole life.［how to express the ending in a more powerful way?}
Another formative experience for me was also in the legal aid center. A man with the weary look that all of our clients have, came to ask for our help. Unfortunately, as I researched how we could help him, I discover a vacuum in the system that meant we could not help him. The man was significantly distraught and yelled angrily, “Aren’t you here to help me?” Though the security guard led him out of the office immediately, I could not stop hearing his words. It inspired to me think about how to address these loopholes, vacuum and fix the system. I decided I need to study a successful system—i.e., in the United States, and specifically at [XX]university—for a model that works.［then, write about merits of each school]

[ll6693814]

need your help...QAQ

[seashell.economy]

I think the experiences you have chosen to highlight in this personal statement are excellent, and I like where you are going with this. As you know, you have quite a few grammar mistakes. Is there an English tutor you could work with? I could easily re-write it, but its better to work with a language tutor so you understand the fundamentals of the phrasing you need to change

: )

[hunt godlink]

You need to hire a writing tutor or a friend who is fluent in English to help you draft and revise your personal statement because of the caliber of personal statements that you will be competing against for admission.

[ll6693814]

I think the experiences you have chosen to highlight in this personal statement are excellent, and I like where you are going with this. As you know, you have quite a few grammar mistakes. Is there an English tutor you could work with? I could easily re-write it, but its better to work with a language tutor so you understand the fundamentals of the phrasing you need to change

: )

thanks a lot for your advice.What do you think about my story? How about the structure and logic in it? And did it show to the Admission "who I am"? Thanks !

[ll6693814]

You need to hire a writing tutor or a friend who is fluent in English to help you draft and revise your personal statement because of the caliber of personal statements that you will be competing against for admission.

Thanks for your advice! I'll do it right now.Besides, what do you think of the story?

[seashell.economy]

I think the experiences you have chosen to highlight in this personal statement are excellent, and I like where you are going with this. As you know, you have quite a few grammar mistakes. Is there an English tutor you could work with? I could easily re-write it, but its better to work with a language tutor so you understand the fundamentals of the phrasing you need to change

: )

thanks a lot for your advice.What do you think about my story? How about the structure and logic in it? And did it show to the Admission "who I am"? Thanks !

I think your 400 hours of volunteer work in a legal aid clinic is a very strong indicator of your passion in pursuing public interest work. I think you need to elaborate on each of the examples you use, and you need to use less flourish in your word choices. You can delete "plunged him into an atmosphere in which he even choked and spluttered" and "howling cry" - find other ways to phrase these moments. Perhaps the worker was "satisfied" or "impressed" with the outcome of their case.

Your topic(s) are great, it is just that your English skills are not that good. I think that if you obtain some help from an English tutor you will be able to expand this essay into two full pages without having to describe the merits of each law school at the end of each essay. You do not necessarily need to include a "Why X Law school" paragraph at the end of each essay. Only if the school requests for you to write about why you want to attend their specific law program do you need to write about a specific school.

[Scalvert]

I agree with seashell. I like your topic, but some of it (what has already been pointed out) is over the top. I can't imagine the difficulty involved in writing a competitive essay in your second language, but I think you have a good start. After you get help, repost the results

[CanadianWolf]

Beyond the obvious issues of trying to communicate in a different language & to a different culture, your essay raises a new topic in its final sentence.

You need to be clear about the country in which your education & clinical experience occurred. My assumption--until reading your final sentence--was that your legal clinic was based in the United States.

Also, I find it hard to believe that you & your associate worked for three days & three nights without sleep before going to trial.