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Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2015 12:41 pm
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Hmm.
I read the original draft, but it was a while ago so my recollection might be a little off.
It's not that this is a bad essay. In fact it's very well-written and engaging. But I wonder if it isn't a little too "touchy-feely" and vague for a PS. What I mean is that everything feels very abstract and general.
Again, in this draft, we have no idea what actually goes on at this retreat. You say it's about self-development and has a fluid design. Fine, but that's vague. Were there lectures from church leaders? Discussion groups? Physical challenges? Art projects? Volunteer opportunities? You don't need to give a long description, just a sentence or two to explain what was going on.
Also, you talk about being a people-pleaser, having a desire for control and autonomy ... ok, examples please? And how did you work on these things?
Others may disagree, and I don't claim that my feedback in gospel, by any means, but my sense is that a law school admissions committee is going to want to see a lot more concreteness in a PS: specific actions you took to reach a certain goal. This topic is good: it's unique, it's clearly important to you, and it's honest, but I think it needs to be grounded in more specific details and fewer abstractions and generalizations.