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Back under construction. Thanks again for the advice!

Anyone? lol Looks like I need to look into admissions consulting

I don't think based on only 4 hours of no response on a Saturday, after 2 other attempts at this PS I know one of them having some critique, that you should use these reasons to look into an admissions consultant. There are much better ways to spend hundreds of dollars while being able to effectively write a PS

I think that your experience in the interview is important and could be a great anecdote to expand from. But, as it is, this PS is too focused on hair and appearances. There is a greater issue you're talking about here, but you're not quite hitting it on the head. There is a problem with the white-centric definition of professionalism that stems from a much larger issue of how African and Caribbean cultures are perceived in America. I don't think you should scrap this, but I think you should go in a new direction with it. Your hair isn't why you want to be an attorney. Your last paragraph starts to get to the bigger picture.

I would cut out the first paragraph about your childhood experience and start with the interview experience. Talk about how this experience fits into other experiences you've had and why you feel the drive to be an advocate for others. I don't think you need an admissions consultant. Personal statements usually go through complete rewrites and many many edits before they get to the final form. Just keep writing and don't feel confined to the first draft/structure you've written. Good luck!

I think this topic is very interesting, but like the previous post said, you're spending way too much time building the story. Nearly half of your PS is just about the story about your hair. You don't get to the main point until the very end, which never works with these types of short writing prompts.

At most, your story should be a paragraph - yes, it will be difficult, but that's the point. You have such little, precious space to write your PS, double check and recheck that every sentence you're including should be there. If you're looking at where to start, the second graf can be cut down and written more concisely. I would also just start with the interview to be honest. That would elevate this PS tremendously. Keep going, you're on the right track!

The earlier versions were much better. In this version, the first two paragraphs are well done. however.

If I recall correctly, your first version was quite clever; this version is more workman-like.

CanadianWolf wrote:The earlier versions were much better. In this version, the first two paragraphs are well done. however.

If I recall correctly, your first version was quite clever; this version is more workman-like.

The first version was too short, and I wasn't sold on using this as a DS. I'm afraid you won't like any version after seeing the first version lol

threatlevelmidnight wrote:I think this topic is very interesting, but like the previous post said, you're spending way too much time building the story. Nearly half of your PS is just about the story about your hair. You don't get to the main point until the very end, which never works with these types of short writing prompts.

At most, your story should be a paragraph - yes, it will be difficult, but that's the point. You have such little, precious space to write your PS, double check and recheck that every sentence you're including should be there. If you're looking at where to start, the second graf can be cut down and written more concisely. I would also just start with the interview to be honest. That would elevate this PS tremendously. Keep going, you're on the right track!

Thank you for the advice! I have deleted the first paragraph, as it may not be as relevant as I once thought.

I would cut out the first paragraph about your childhood experience and start with the interview experience. Talk about how this experience fits into other experiences you've had and why you feel the drive to be an advocate for others. I don't think you need an admissions consultant. Personal statements usually go through complete rewrites and many many edits before they get to the final form. Just keep writing and don't feel confined to the first draft/structure you've written. Good luck![/quote]


Thanks for this! Will do.

Quality over quantity, so, yes, you're right.