Please Critique My PS Forum

[sjp200]

I have a short list of law schools in the T14 I am applying to. I am an engineer with an uphill battle, I have a low GPA (3.45- adjusted to a 3.35) which is sitll enough for high honors, but I am expecting a low October 2015 LSAT. I felt very confident going into the last section, where I felt great until I learned I misread a rule in the second to last game. Most of you know that one game could change a score from a 170 to a 165, and that doesn't take into account any questions I felt narrowed down to an answer or two and picked correctly. Basically, I am looking for honest criticism, no matter how harsh.

Edit* Should mention, I am currently a practicing chemical engineer. I also had co-op experience as an undergraduate while pursuing a traditional 4-year degree (worked 20+ hrs/week while in school) at a major personal consumer product company in the R&D department
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Four years of college taught me I didn’t have to accept being an engineer as fate. My time in the Rutgers University Mock Trial Association made it abundantly clear that I did not just enjoy my brief time being an advocate, I need to be one. This realization did not come all at once, but rather slowly, over my entire collegiate experience, and was only fully realized when I gave my final closing.

I stood up, walked to the podium I had been instructed to speak from, and for a second, I froze. I felt more nervous than I expected to be. I had no idea why I was so nervous to do something I had done so many times before. My foot kept shaking, and no matter how hard I tried it would not stop. That moment lacked the same atmosphere as the countless fake trials, but the preparation was exactly the same. I had everything written down, and I practiced for weeks so that I knew exactly what needed to be said, and I would only need the paper at a glance. As I reached the podium, my nervous smile was obvious, and I felt I was already losing my audience. In that moment, I realized I was nervous because what I was about to say was no longer a product of something fake. When I finally figured out the moment was real, I remembered what my coach had always reminded us: “Always be closing.” That was my chance to be an advocate for real people who wanted to let the world know what was coming.

I looked at the thousands of people before me, and I began my speech. This time there was no jury, no judge, and no scoring. I was speaking for the Rutgers School of Engineering Class of 2015 Convocation. As I went on and got past the cheesy jokes the administration required me to add for fear of “coming off too serious”, I was really closing. The passion behind conveying the struggle of the mass of exhausted bodies running almost entirely on caffeine before me was stronger than any closing I had ever given, even though the situation lent itself to much less drama. Only a few minutes later, which in the ecstasy of the moment felt like only seconds, I had finished. I walked back to my seat, ready to receive my diploma as a chemical engineer, knowing that would not be my last graduation. I felt my phone in my left pocket vibrate tirelessly. I was receiving messages from close friends and people whom I hadn’t spoken to in years. They did not congratulate me, but rather they thanked me. They thanked me for conveying to every listener in the audience and streaming the event live what we as engineers stood for, and that is precisely what I aim to do in my career as a lawyer.

That moment will not be my last closing. Although I have only had a small glimpse of the life of an attorney, I know the hours of relentless preparation will make every closing its own reward. I know there are many voices that need a medium through which to be heard. An organization that I joined simply as a hobby transformed me has shown me that I can be passionate about my work. I was no longer the number crunching freshman that was satisfied with a life behind equations, having someone else relay my ideas. I became an engineer eager to articulate just what the voices are trying to say. The next step to achieve this goal is at [LAW SCHOOL FOLLOWED BY REASON(s) FOR WANTING TO ATTEND SPECIFIC LAW SCHOOL].

The cases I tried in the fictitious state of Midlands opened my eyes to a world in which my skills as an engineer and orator could coincide. Even as an engineer, I live by the words my coach instilled in us from a movie quote that has nothing to do with engineering or law explicitly, but will always be relevant. I will one day stand up in front of a real judge and jury, and when a voice that needs assistance looks to me to convey a message, I will always be closing.

[ArmyRN]

I'm not really in a position to give any expert advice. I would say your biggest strength is your voice can be heard. The biggest weakness would be smoothing it out, some really awkward phrasing. Heres two examples.

I felt more nervous than I had ever remembered in recent history for speaking to my audience.

I was getting messages from close friends and people whom I hadn’t spoken to in years did not congratulate me, but rather they thanked me.

[sjp200]

Thank you very much for pointing that out. I work night shift in manufacturing and I was doing some work while I had a moment and sometimes I tend to have a thought, jot it down, and forget to complete it. Appreciate it!

I would still love criticism.

[fazzvm56]

From what I've read online, don't specifically mention a law school in your PS. 1. This is leaving a huge window for error of uploading the wrong essay for the wrong school etc., and it doesn't look that much better. Also, I feel as though this would benefit more from focusing either on your speech itself or mock trial, or even both. It feels as though it is very quick and needs more detail/application. Otherwise, it is an interesting topic. Good luck!

[CanadianWolf]

To be blunt, this is terrible.

DELETE: The first sentence, the last paragraph & everything in between.

Start over with a better theme that offers insight into who you are & how you became that way.

[cbbinnyc]

Yeah, Canadian doesn't mince words, but he/she speaks the truth. You need to start over and pick a different topic. This essay makes you seem self-centered and tells us very little about you (except that, perhaps, you are self-centered).

Don't mention specific law schools in your PS, unless you are going to say something very specific about that school. You can also use a separate "Why X" essay for each school to do that.

And, for the love of all that is holy, don't use "always be closing" as your thematic center. It's a strange mantra for a law school essay (it's a sales motto) and it will instantly make people think about Glengarry Glen Ross.

[CanadianWolf]

He. And I agree with all of the above comments.