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Personal statement & Yale 250 critique
Posted: Mon Oct 19, 2015 8:43 pm
by Anonymous User
Hi folks,
Would love any critiques you have. As context, I've been out of school and working for about three years now in consulting and digital media. Thank you!
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Re: Personal statement & Yale 250 critique
Posted: Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:29 pm
by Lawdork
As for the Yale 250- Might go with a gender neutral "human" on top of a rocket. They may think you're trying to cleverly sneak an innuendo by them.
Other than that, A+. I kept thinking of that quote from Alfred (butler-Batman) in interstellar. "Don't go gentle into that good night, rage rage against the dying light (with the epic music in the background)"
Re: Personal statement & Yale 250 critique
Posted: Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:31 pm
by Companion Cube
Yeah these are good. I noticed one or two grammatical errors, but you didn't ask for proofing. Your style is different but that's not a bad thing. I rather like the matter-of-fact tone.
Re: Personal statement & Yale 250 critique
Posted: Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:36 pm
by CanadianWolf
Interesting & creative Yale 250.
"We must find out there great fortune or at home even greater woe." I don't understand the "greater woe" part.
Aluminum or titanium ?
Re: Personal statement & Yale 250 critique
Posted: Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:36 pm
by joeycxxxx09
The 250 is very very good. I would take that off the original post before other people see/take
Re: Personal statement & Yale 250 critique
Posted: Mon Oct 19, 2015 9:48 pm
by CanadianWolf
The PS is mostly a vanity piece that goes too far in the final paragraph. Clearly, you write well and are intelligent & motivated, and most readers will want to meet you & spend a night on the town with you so long as you share whatever you're taking.
P.S. The final two sentences of your personal statement are likely to be viewed as total BS by those outside of your industry.
Re: Personal statement & Yale 250 critique
Posted: Mon Oct 19, 2015 10:12 pm
by CanadianWolf
After some more thought, I think that you know how to get attention for creativity, guts, & a bit of shock value. (Plus, you're correct. Spaceships are made out of both aluminum & titanium.)
Re: Personal statement & Yale 250 critique
Posted: Tue Oct 20, 2015 5:16 am
by Anonymous User
OP, here. Thanks for the feedback, all! Great catch on the rocket sentence (I could not unsee it once you pointed it out to me

), and I'll take another look at the last paragraph of the statement.