Personal statement critique - Teacher applying to T16 - Complete Revision
Posted: Sat Oct 17, 2015 11:07 pm
Note: I have updated my PS with revision suggestions. I greatly appreciate any further critiques.
Note: I have done a complete revision of my Personal Statement. While maintaining many of the key points I revised the theme and shortened the paper significantly.
Your critique would be greatly appreciated.
I have been working since high school but my full time work experience since graduating includes 2 years building a new restaurant brand and working as the general manager and 2 years of teaching in a high risk middle school.
I was premed but have decided on law school instead.
The following is the revised Personal Statement:
“You will never understand, you don’t know my life, I can never be more than what I am.” Quotes like these echo through the halls of Empower College Prep every day. Teaching at a high-risk school challenges me daily with language barriers, lack of familial support and negative community influences. My triumphs are best shown through the educational and personal growth of the individual students I am able to influence. These seemingly small accomplishments are what drive me to push further.
On the eve of my first year of teaching I imagined neatly lined rows of student desks and shelves stocked full perfectly organized laboratory equipment. Priding myself on always being prepared long before deadlines I had finished my plans for the first month of school before the training period. I was excited to take the students on an educational journey to develop new skills and learn the language of science.
The last day of training rolled around and my confidence was soaring, only to be struck down by the reveal of my classroom assignment and that none of my classroom supplies would arrive for another week. As I stood in the middle of an empty room, no bigger than my bedroom, panic struck. My mind racing trying hard to envision a feasible way to fit 28 students into this room, not to mention all the bookcases I requested to organize the lab supplies. I eased my worries by reminiscing on struggles encountered leading to the grand opening of the second branch of KetMoRee Restaurant Group under my management. I confidently told myself that theses obstacles paled in comparison to the stress encountered when at the last minute the bar’s liquor license was delayed in the appeal process. I encouraged myself to persevere, as I knew that if I could find a solution against all the odds back then, surely I would find a solution now. With these thoughts in mind, I spent the weekend creating curriculum that could be taught without any materials and developed a way to efficiently arrange the room.
That first week was a hit, the students loved the team building activities, but unfortunately the spark ignited in that first week slowly fizzed out over the following month. Quickly classroom behavior spiraled out of control with physical fights, students creating and circulating weapons, and a failing average on most quizzes. I knew changes had to be made if these students were to succeed. I started from the foundation by creating new curriculum that diverged from the traditional lecture based teaching to a more hands on approach. Although a majority of students are not proficient in English at Empower College Prep and the student body has an increased percentage of special ed. students, they began to learn the language of science by becoming scientists. Students increased both their science and English vocabulary, grew confidence through success, and developed a genuine interest in science.
Although my job description states that I am to teach the students a particular set of standards with the goal of achieving a minimum of two year’s growth, I want to make more of an impact. Contrary to the belief of my students I can relate to them more than they know, having come from a family of violence, riddled with substance abuse. Children from such backgrounds can achieve success. In teaching I have been able to go much further than my job description by influencing students to develop self-confidence. Through building a company from the ground up and educating children I have learned that growing strong relationships is built upon respect, understanding, and relating to your audience. These skills pair well with my drive for continued success and will further serve me in law school and as a practitioner of the law. With every hurdle placed in my path I have taken each opportunity to grow by increasing my knowledge. I wish to continue to foster my skills by attending law school. My ambition to make an impact in society is what has spurred my interest in attending law school; my tenacious pursuit of success and ability to surmount obstacles are the forces that will contribute to my work at XXXUniversity.
Note: I have done a complete revision of my Personal Statement. While maintaining many of the key points I revised the theme and shortened the paper significantly.
Your critique would be greatly appreciated.
I have been working since high school but my full time work experience since graduating includes 2 years building a new restaurant brand and working as the general manager and 2 years of teaching in a high risk middle school.
I was premed but have decided on law school instead.
The following is the revised Personal Statement:
“You will never understand, you don’t know my life, I can never be more than what I am.” Quotes like these echo through the halls of Empower College Prep every day. Teaching at a high-risk school challenges me daily with language barriers, lack of familial support and negative community influences. My triumphs are best shown through the educational and personal growth of the individual students I am able to influence. These seemingly small accomplishments are what drive me to push further.
On the eve of my first year of teaching I imagined neatly lined rows of student desks and shelves stocked full perfectly organized laboratory equipment. Priding myself on always being prepared long before deadlines I had finished my plans for the first month of school before the training period. I was excited to take the students on an educational journey to develop new skills and learn the language of science.
The last day of training rolled around and my confidence was soaring, only to be struck down by the reveal of my classroom assignment and that none of my classroom supplies would arrive for another week. As I stood in the middle of an empty room, no bigger than my bedroom, panic struck. My mind racing trying hard to envision a feasible way to fit 28 students into this room, not to mention all the bookcases I requested to organize the lab supplies. I eased my worries by reminiscing on struggles encountered leading to the grand opening of the second branch of KetMoRee Restaurant Group under my management. I confidently told myself that theses obstacles paled in comparison to the stress encountered when at the last minute the bar’s liquor license was delayed in the appeal process. I encouraged myself to persevere, as I knew that if I could find a solution against all the odds back then, surely I would find a solution now. With these thoughts in mind, I spent the weekend creating curriculum that could be taught without any materials and developed a way to efficiently arrange the room.
That first week was a hit, the students loved the team building activities, but unfortunately the spark ignited in that first week slowly fizzed out over the following month. Quickly classroom behavior spiraled out of control with physical fights, students creating and circulating weapons, and a failing average on most quizzes. I knew changes had to be made if these students were to succeed. I started from the foundation by creating new curriculum that diverged from the traditional lecture based teaching to a more hands on approach. Although a majority of students are not proficient in English at Empower College Prep and the student body has an increased percentage of special ed. students, they began to learn the language of science by becoming scientists. Students increased both their science and English vocabulary, grew confidence through success, and developed a genuine interest in science.
Although my job description states that I am to teach the students a particular set of standards with the goal of achieving a minimum of two year’s growth, I want to make more of an impact. Contrary to the belief of my students I can relate to them more than they know, having come from a family of violence, riddled with substance abuse. Children from such backgrounds can achieve success. In teaching I have been able to go much further than my job description by influencing students to develop self-confidence. Through building a company from the ground up and educating children I have learned that growing strong relationships is built upon respect, understanding, and relating to your audience. These skills pair well with my drive for continued success and will further serve me in law school and as a practitioner of the law. With every hurdle placed in my path I have taken each opportunity to grow by increasing my knowledge. I wish to continue to foster my skills by attending law school. My ambition to make an impact in society is what has spurred my interest in attending law school; my tenacious pursuit of success and ability to surmount obstacles are the forces that will contribute to my work at XXXUniversity.
