Personal Statement - Please Review
Posted: Sun Oct 04, 2015 9:24 am
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Hi Champ. Here's my take ...
First the good: Your writing style is generally clear and fluid, and you have established why you want to study the law and what you want to study. Your problem is not your style/grammar, it's the content.
Right now, the essay spends way too much time talking about your parents. They sounds like great people, but they are not the ones applying for law school. That's the inherent danger in doing essays about mentors or inspirational family members, etc. This essay should be about you.
When you finally do get to yourself, you just include a list of accomplishments and stats, which is unnecessary because you will be including a resume and list of awards. You say it is "easy to see" that you are more accomplished than the average college student. Generally, you come across well, but this sounds pretty presumptuous. If it's "easy to see", then you shouldn't have to say it. They will look at your resume, at it will be clear you've done a lot of stuff.
What you should do is take one of the many things you've done, and explore it in detail. You've done a ton of community service, talk about a particularly affecting community service project you worked on. Talk about one of your experiences teaching internationally and how that changed your perspective or inspired you to work to help immigrants. Right now, this essay makes you come off as an archetype ... you want it to paint a portrait.
So, my recommendation is to find one or two specific things you've done and focus on those. "Don't tell us, show us." Don't tell us you are a hard-working person who cares about immigrant rights etc. Actually show yourself in action. You can use the diversity statement to explore your identity as an immigrant.