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In the second paragraph, "whom" should be "who." "Trepidations" in that same paragraph needs to be replaced with a word that makes sense. "Softened only by..." is too much and strikes the wrong tone. "Plummeted into adversity" is also too much, and "adversity" should be changed to something else. "All-while" isn't a thing you hyphenate. The semicolon before "as it has for me" should be a comma. Don't say that your promotion was "tiresome."

Nekrowizard wrote:In the second paragraph, "whom" should be "who." "Trepidations" in that same paragraph needs to be replaced with a word that makes sense. "Softened only by..." is too much and strikes the wrong tone. "Plummeted into adversity" is also too much, and "adversity" should be changed to something else. "All-while" isn't a thing you hyphenate. The semicolon before "as it has for me" should be a comma. Don't say that your promotion was "tiresome."

I agree with all of this, thanks for taking the time.

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chalky wrote:I think it's way too long. Like way way too long. 2 pages double spaced is standard I believe.

Oh shit, I thought single spaced was standard.

In my opinion, this is an excellent law school personal statement in need of several editorial adjustments in order to share your story in a more concise manner. The strength of your writing is in the reflection and analysis of your family's trials as they have affected your outlook on life. Also, your writing proceeds in a clear & logical progression.

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Also, you need to go through and cut out essentially all passive voice. Unless it is necessary to get your point across, remove it. This will free up some space.

It definitely needs to be more concise. Look first at all the fluff you pad around the beginning and end--you should be able to trim that down a lot. The whole point of the statement, and yours does this pretty well, is to show us instead of telling us. If you do that well, your opening and closing paragraphs become redundant.

CanadianWolf wrote:In my opinion, this is an excellent law school personal statement in need of several editorial adjustments in order to share your story in a more concise manner. The strength of your writing is in the reflection and analysis of your family's trials as they have affected your outlook on life. Also, your writing proceeds in a clear & logical progression.

Thanks for the kind words, Wolf. Trimming the PS while maintaining it's integrity is proving a bit difficult, hopefully tomorrow will provide me with a clear enough mind to do so.

lymenheimer wrote:Also, you need to go through and cut out essentially all passive voice. Unless it is necessary to get your point across, remove it. This will free up some space.

Would you mind elaborating a bit on what you mean by passive voice? Anything in particular that struck you that way?

3pianists wrote:It definitely needs to be more concise. Look first at all the fluff you pad around the beginning and end--you should be able to trim that down a lot. The whole point of the statement, and yours does this pretty well, is to show us instead of telling us. If you do that well, your opening and closing paragraphs become redundant.

I agree, will definitely be tackling the intro. I thought that the conclusion was pretty solid though, you think it comes off a fluff rather than substance?

3pianists wrote:It definitely needs to be more concise. Look first at all the fluff you pad around the beginning and end--you should be able to trim that down a lot. The whole point of the statement, and yours does this pretty well, is to show us instead of telling us. If you do that well, your opening and closing paragraphs become redundant.

I agree, will definitely be tackling the intro. I thought that the conclusion was pretty solid though, you think it comes off a fluff rather than substance?[/quote]

Yeah, I don't think the last three paragraphs, and especially the last paragraph, are doing much for you. Point us to the conclusion you want us to draw, yes, but I think you can do it more gracefully and more concisely.

magnum_law wrote: Would you mind elaborating a bit on what you mean by passive voice? Anything in particular that struck you that way?

Second sentence: "having to witness" --> "witnessing"..."I was instilled with" --> "instilled in me". Anything where you place "have/had/has to" in front of a verb should be analyzed as well as any other forms of the passive voice.

Separate from that, you need to read your statement to yourself out loud. There are some pretty obvious grammatical and sentence structure errors (though I recognize you will be making changes to it anyways).