Personal statement-- help? Forum

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
nicolelaine

New
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:41 pm

Personal statement-- help?

Post by nicolelaine » Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:45 pm

Thank you guys so much! I've sent it through my usual list of people that edit my papers and this is the result.

"Learning has always been my strong suit. As a child, I read almost constantly and discovered my love of writing at an early age. Middle and high school flew by in a rush of hormones and AP exams. My liberal arts education from Centre College provided me with the challenges and resources necessary to determine that my calling was law. I firmly believe the course of my life has been altered for the better through the education I have received, and certain events that have shaped my personality. Throughout this entire process of “growing up”, I discovered one important quality about myself: integrity.

My integrity is what allowed me to be honest with my sorority sister when I told her she was being forced to disaffiliate due to academic failure. As a Greek woman, I had taken a pledge to uphold fraternity ideals, including those regarding academic excellence. At the time, I served as an elected member of the Standards Committee, which must use discretion and confidentiality to make decisions that best affect the chapter and Greek community as a whole. Although this woman was my friend, it was for the best that she disaffiliated from our organization. Two years later, we both acknowledge that this was the right decision for both parties.

My integrity is what pulled me through the trauma my roommate faced upon being assaulted by her boyfriend. My initial reaction was to make sure she was okay. The silence I received in return for my concern, however, was unprecedented. Staying away turned out to be what she needed from me in order to recover from such a terrible ordeal. Through this, I learned that what I thought was the best way to handle a situation isn’t always the case. It was, and continues to be, a struggle to restrain myself from constantly checking in with her. However, I know now that the best thing I could do for her is to let her recover in her own way.

My integrity is what let me study abroad in London almost immediately after my mom had a stroke. I was forced to be honest with myself; living in London had been a dream of mine since I was a child. While it was extremely difficult to live 3,000 miles away from my recovering mother, in retrospect, I knew it was the right decision.

I have found that through the darkest times, the conversations that you have with other people are what can bring you towards the decision that was within you all along. By having a strong set of moral principles, I have been able to navigate through tough times to come to a point in my life where I have no regrets.

The law is, essentially, the body of standards that allow the integrity of the nation to be upheld. As someone who holds integrity as the highest priority, I feel passionate about representing citizens that feel they are being the best version of themselves. I wish to represent people who feel their rights have been violated, in order to uphold my own integrity, and the integrity of the nation.

There is a set of qualities that many lawyers possess; I believe I have the integrity, interpersonal skills, and empathetic dedication that will allow me to be not only a capable lawyer, but also one that is respected and successful. Ultimately, I wish to bring credit to the legal profession in a way that will honor the past leaders that created a nation that allows everyone to do their best, be their best, and to have no regrets."


Once again, thank you in advance for your help!

User avatar
kevgogators

Bronze
Posts: 160
Joined: Mon May 19, 2014 11:34 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by kevgogators » Sat Sep 26, 2015 12:01 am

To be perfectly honest, I think this is a pretty bad personal statement.

The examples you set to demonstrate your integrity are..far from impressive. Having to drop your sorority sister isn't important enough to be PS worthy. Your roommate's experience says nothing about your morality. Opting to travel and study abroad in the midst of your mother's stroke doesn't come off as admirable, it makes you seem selfish.

I don't mean this to come off as an attack on you. Just my two cents.
Last edited by kevgogators on Sat Sep 26, 2015 12:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
kevgogators

Bronze
Posts: 160
Joined: Mon May 19, 2014 11:34 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by kevgogators » Sat Sep 26, 2015 12:05 am

All that said, you do write eloquently. I just think you should reconsider the topic.

Scalvert

Silver
Posts: 634
Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:40 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by Scalvert » Sat Sep 26, 2015 12:29 am

Unfortunately, I agree. None of the examples you provided strike me as having much to do with integrity. Your writing style is good, and I think whatever essay you end up with would be easily edited, but I don't think this is the one you want to go with.

Why not focus on telling something you learned about yourself while in London (away from your family during a difficult time)? Or you could talk more in-depth about one of the other examples. Did helping your friend after her assault lead you to volunteer at a crisis center? Did you work with stroke victims? If you want to stick with the integrity angle, you need to play up the first example. Talk about how difficult it was for you to stick to your guns. Talk about hard decisions you had to make - the pressure you felt choosing between doing your job and possibly losing a friend.

nicolelaine

New
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:41 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by nicolelaine » Sat Sep 26, 2015 12:47 am

Would it be possible to salvage the first and last two/three paragraphs and simply replace the body with one outstanding example? [Clearly, my pre-law advisor was not very helpful....] Thank you!

Want to continue reading?

Register now to search topics and post comments!

Absolutely FREE!


User avatar
Widdle_Dumpling

New
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Sep 06, 2015 2:31 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by Widdle_Dumpling » Sat Sep 26, 2015 1:09 am

nicolelaine wrote:Would it be possible to salvage the first and last two/three paragraphs and simply replace the body with one outstanding example? [Clearly, my pre-law advisor was not very helpful....] Thank you!
I think so! Your essay suffers from trying to do too much, in my opinion.
For instance, I would either elaborate on your experience with your mom or cut it out. As it reads now, the reader is left wondering why you thought it was the right decision, and they could come to the conclusion that you think so because you're a callous ingrate (I'm sure you're not, but don't want to give anyone that impression.) If it was the right decision, why? Did it strengthen your relationship with your mother?
I'd also advise cutting the bit about your roommate. Maybe you can tell a heartfelt and interesting story, but if you get it wrong, it can feel as if you're appropriating her suffering as you watch from the sidelines.
To me, the story with your mom has a lot of promise, if a lot of potential to go wrong. If not that, then I'd advise going deeper into your sorority story, talking about the conflict you may have felt, how you, I don't know, talked to an advisor, looked at your bible/favorite book/navel, whatever, and decided to make the tough decision.

Best of luck!

Scalvert

Silver
Posts: 634
Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:40 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by Scalvert » Sat Sep 26, 2015 1:58 am

nicolelaine wrote:Would it be possible to salvage the first and last two/three paragraphs and simply replace the body with one outstanding example? [Clearly, my pre-law advisor was not very helpful....] Thank you!
I think those paragraphs are salvageable. Try expanding the sorority story and repost.

nicolelaine

New
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:41 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by nicolelaine » Sun Sep 27, 2015 1:09 pm

Here is what I've come up with for the second draft-- thank you all so much for your help!

"Learning has always been my strong suit. As a child, I read almost constantly and discovered my love of writing at an early age. Middle and high school flew by in a rush of hormones and AP exams. My liberal arts education from Centre College provided me with the challenges and resources necessary to determine that my calling was law. I firmly believe the course of my life has been altered for the better through the education I have received, and certain events that have shaped my personality. Throughout this entire process of “growing up”, I discovered one important quality about myself: integrity.
In December of 2013, my mother had a massive stroke. I received the phone call from my Dad, and immediately dropped everything. I felt like the world had stopped; the drive to the hospital was unnerving. As the week progressed, we learned more: she would make a full recovery by next Christmas.
That was the year that I realized Santa Claus was dead. All of our family’s Christmas traditions had been thrown out the window. Having Christmas in Frazier Rehab Center was “making the best” of the situation, but it was in no way ideal. I realized that this was the reality for some families, and have since spent time doing philanthropy work for the Ronald McDonald House.
I had been accepted into our London study abroad program for the spring of 2014; living in the city I dreamed about since I was a child was suddenly going to be my reality. Now, everything had changed, and I had to make a decision. A few weeks after Christmas, my mom had been moved home and was doing physical therapy at a local hospital a few times a week. I had already decided to forego sorority recruitment; but could I let myself leave my mother at home while I was an entire continent away?
Fortunately, I did not have to make this decision alone. I spoke close family members and spent a lot of time participating in personal reflection, yet my mom was the one who ultimately made the decision for me. She told me to go. And with that, and the promise of weekly Skype sessions, I was able to board the plane exactly two months after my mom’s stroke.
I have found that through the darkest times, the conversations that you have with other people are what can bring you towards the decision that was within you all along. By having a strong set of moral principles, I have been able to navigate through tough times to come to a point in my life where I have no regrets.
The law is, essentially, the body of standards that allow the integrity of the nation to be upheld. As someone who holds integrity as the highest priority, I wish to represent those who are trying to live up to their potential, in order to uphold my own integrity, and the integrity of the nation.
There is a set of qualities that many lawyers possess; I believe I have the integrity, interpersonal skills, and empathetic dedication that will allow me to be not only a capable lawyer, but also one that is respected and successful. Ultimately, I wish to bring credit to the legal profession in a way that will honor the past leaders that created a nation that allows everyone to do their best, be their best, and to live with no regrets."

User avatar
Widdle_Dumpling

New
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Sep 06, 2015 2:31 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by Widdle_Dumpling » Sun Sep 27, 2015 1:23 pm

This is much, much better. How long is this draft now, in pages?

Want to continue reading?

Register for access!

Did I mention it was FREE ?


nicolelaine

New
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:41 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by nicolelaine » Sun Sep 27, 2015 1:26 pm

It's exactly two double-spaced pages-- this includes my name at the top (which I'm not sure is necessary).

Scalvert

Silver
Posts: 634
Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:40 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by Scalvert » Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:35 pm

I agree that this is much better :)

A couple of points: make sure all those commas before "and" are necessary - make sure you are separating two independent clauses. ( For instance, in paragraph 2, sentence 2, it's unnecessary). Be sure to add "to" where you talk about speaking to close family members. Also the sentence beginning with "I have found that through the darkest times," could be made more concise: you might try: "...the conversations you have with other people can point you towards the decision ..." Look for other sentences that can be shortened in a similar manner. It helps readability. If your paper gets shortened too much, you can switch fonts. (Century takes up a little more room)

CanadianWolf

Diamond
Posts: 11413
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 01, 2015 9:48 am

I've read both versions of your PS. Neither is good. The integrity theme portrays you as judgmental & a bit immature. Stating that you have no regrets suggests a lack of introspection. It seemed clear to me that the reason your sorority sister rejected your help after experiencing a sexual assault is that she does not view you as one in whom she should confide. Nor does she respect your advice or motives. Unfortunately, the gist of your proposed law school PSs is that you seem to be too uptight, a bit self-righteous, and lacking in compassion & empathy.

CanadianWolf

Diamond
Posts: 11413
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by CanadianWolf » Thu Oct 01, 2015 10:03 am

"I had already decided to forego sorority recruitment;" is an example of portraying yourself as self-centered & lacking compassion after your mother suffered a massive stroke.

Please consider another theme for your law school PS. Both of your attempts posted above may harm your chances for admission, in my opinion.

Register now!

Resources to assist law school applicants, students & graduates.

It's still FREE!


nicolelaine

New
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:41 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by nicolelaine » Fri Oct 02, 2015 12:53 pm

I suppose that I've missed the point of what a PS is. I'm trying to fit 3 months of extremely emotional and trying times into three paragraphs, with the result of me still going abroad for school.

Scalvert

Silver
Posts: 634
Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:40 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by Scalvert » Fri Oct 02, 2015 1:19 pm

nicolelaine wrote:I suppose that I've missed the point of what a PS is. I'm trying to fit 3 months of extremely emotional and trying times into three paragraphs, with the result of me still going abroad for school.
Maybe delete the last sentence of the first paragraph and the part of the sentence about skipping sorority recruitment. Focus on your mom and volunteering, then talk in a little more detail about the difficulties involved in being away from your family during your mom's recovery. Elaborate on the conversations you had with her - like if she urged you to go and told you she was proud of you, you were making her happy, etc.... Talk about how much you missed your family, but made the situation work anyway. Maybe tailor it towards resilience and adaptability instead of integrity. I think maybe that's what throws it off the mark somewhat. You might try it and see - just a suggestion.

User avatar
lymenheimer

Gold
Posts: 3979
Joined: Sat Jul 04, 2015 1:54 am

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by lymenheimer » Fri Oct 02, 2015 1:28 pm

nicolelaine wrote:I suppose that I've missed the point of what a PS is. I'm trying to fit 3 months of extremely emotional and trying times into three paragraphs, with the result of me still going abroad for school.
What does going abroad for school have to do with your integrity. What does it even add to your background that makes it a factor in the admissions process? Lots of people study abroad and you don't discuss anything about it, other than the fact that you really wanted to go. I agree with CW that you come off as very self-centered. I think if you were trying to embody integrity, you wouldn't be so hard pressed to not go study abroad. You likely would have instantly said you're not going to go, but sometime later your mom found out and she encouraged you to go. It almost reads like you're trying to get the pity points for having an ill family member.

Now, it definitely reads better than the first, but I don't think you should go this way. You don't touch on anything substantive that you can offer other than your impression of your own "integrity" (which is not well-represented in this essay). That's like me writing an essay about being honest and humble. I think you're correct that you are missing some point of the personal statement, and what struck me as odd is that you only mention your "philanthropy work" at the RMH in passing. Almost as an aside. This makes it look like in addition to getting sympathy points, you are trying to get some volunteer points for name-dropping. While it may be in your resume, I think this would be a better use of your PS. Discuss the work you have done. Discuss some tangible efforts you have made to society, the legal community, or even your personal growth. I would avoid discussing how much integrity you have and giving a story about your "extremely emotional and trying times" where you end up struggling with the decision of whether you should be with your ill mother or whether you should go on a trip, when you talk to everyone but your mother (until the end), and then don't even elaborate on how you developed as a result of the trip.

User avatar
mist4bison

Gold
Posts: 1552
Joined: Sat Jan 11, 2014 12:17 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by mist4bison » Fri Oct 02, 2015 2:04 pm

From what I did read, this is about other people's situations and how you reacted. Not really about you. I get that you're trying to showcase your integrity, but I'm hearing others' stories and not yours.

Get unlimited access to all forums and topics

Register now!

I'm pretty sure I told you it's FREE...


nicolelaine

New
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:41 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by nicolelaine » Fri Oct 02, 2015 2:34 pm

Okay, so taking all of this into account, I've completely re-done the entire personal statement. It is below.


My freshman year of college, I took a three-week course entitled “God in Global Landscapes”. This course significantly altered my view on how important history is to culture and subsequently the way government interacts with the religious views of certain communities. We spent two weeks determining how history and theological narrative work together to mediate state failure and social instability in a variety of American communities: Evangelicals, Islam, African Pentecostalism, and Chinese Christianity. We spent the final week of class traveling to various religious sites. We spoke to leaders and members of the Chinese Christian outreach program, which teaches Chinese immigrants how to speak English in order to gain employment; the women donned hijabs and we all toured one of the largest Muslim mosques America, and sat in on a service. We discussed anti-Semitism while reading from the Torah at a synagogue. Throughout all these experiences, I learned the importance of diversity and religious tolerance; a concept I had only understood, not experienced.

Perhaps the most heartbreaking of the visits was at the Oak Creek Sikh Temple. On August 12, 2012, just a year and a half before our visit, a shooter entered the temple and open-fired on the community. Six members at the gurdwara (the Sikh place of worship) were murdered. We spoke to leaders of the gurdwara about the act of domestic terrorism, and they showed us exactly where the bullets landed; there are plaques in commemoration of the fallen throughout the building. The Sikh community taught us about certain cultural traditions that allowed them to carry on with services and to treat everyone with respect and kindness. This community taught me to believe in the good of humanity; a lesson I have carried with me for the last three years.

When the course was over, the notion of how history affects the present continued to stay in the back of my mind. I used these ideas to consider how a person’s history influences their choices, and applied this directly to political science through my own research. Last year, I was able to incorporate my interests of history and East Africa to determine how colonialism affected Uganda under the reign of Idi Amin; this was done through extensive research performed at the National Archives in Washington, D.C.

In January of 2016, I will be able to take my love of history and politics to East Africa. I will be living in Uganda and Rwanda for one month, and over the course of this month, I will be able to experience a lifestyle I have never had the opportunity to know through homestays, religious ceremonies, and tribal rituals. I will be able to apply the history of the Ugandan and Rwandan people to their current political situation, as Uganda is in the midst of their next Presidential election. During this time, I will be working with the United Nations to start preservation of Uganda’s National Archives, which are currently in ruins.

I believe that by applying the history of a culture or nation to its current political atmosphere, it is possible to create a society that promotes equality of opportunity fair treatment under the law. Ultimately, by attending law school, I wish acquire the skills necessary to bring credit to the legal profession in a way that will honor the history of our nation and allow the development of a more perfect nation.

User avatar
lymenheimer

Gold
Posts: 3979
Joined: Sat Jul 04, 2015 1:54 am

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by lymenheimer » Fri Oct 02, 2015 2:53 pm

Cool story...but it still feels like there is minimal information about you in it. You have two full paragraphs of background, a sentence on reflection which transitions into 2 sentences about some research you say you did, a paragraph about what you may do in a year, and your closing which doesn't seem to be drawn from the remainder of your essay (outside of the repetition of this idea through the Uganda/Rwanda election season). Where is your discussion on the research that you did in paragraph 3? Again, it is a minimal part of your essay, almost like a side-note. You seem to be doing a lot of speaking, meeting, discussing, and traveling, but it doesn't appear to culminate into anything more than "Now I can believe in the good in humanity", which, as noble as that is, seems like a silly thing (very cliche) for a trip abroad to have to teach you.

You seem to want these intangible thoughts and feelings that you had to influence the adcomms decision to admit you, and that is fine, but even then you are not showing that these things are happening. You are saying "I learned this and this and this. They taught us this and this and this." You need to have these connections that you want to express, be represented through the work that you did while you were abroad, while you were researching, and how you will develop that when you go abroad again.

CanadianWolf

Diamond
Posts: 11413
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 02, 2015 3:22 pm

Nicole: This PS is not effective because you do not have a theme. The first two sentences are weak as is the concluding paragraph. The reason that they both are weak is because you have not established a well thought out theme.

Your final sentence in your PS indicates that your theme is "Why I want to go to law school". This is a reasonable theme for a law school PS. Unfortunately, the preceding sentences in your PS offer little support for why you want to attend law school.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Fri Oct 02, 2015 3:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Scalvert

Silver
Posts: 634
Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:40 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by Scalvert » Fri Oct 02, 2015 3:24 pm

I like this much better. I like that you've described an event that touched you and sparked an interest in different cultures. I think maybe what it lacks is "personalization." (Easier said than done, I know) You might elaborate on how you were personally touched by something you learned, maybe describe how you handled some situation differently as a result of your experience - tell a brief story that portrays the compassion and understanding you learned from your visit to the temple.

I like how the research you did resulted in your applying for a trip to Uganda. That shows you taking a specific action. I think a short personal anecdote could help a great deal. It's written well, but feels a little antiseptic.

Are you interested in International Law? You could maybe tweak your intro and closing in that direction.

Communicate now with those who not only know what a legal education is, but can offer you worthy advice and commentary as you complete the three most educational, yet challenging years of your law related post graduate life.

Register now, it's still FREE!


CanadianWolf

Diamond
Posts: 11413
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 02, 2015 4:29 pm

A few suggestions that may help you to develop a more well thought out theme:

Consider scrapping the final paragraph & replacing it with:

"Ultimately, by attending law school, I hope to acquire a thorough understanding of how our laws and our legal system reflect, respect and influence our culture and society. This knowledge should enable me to become an effective advocate in both the courts and in the legislative process."


Consider a theme that equates our legal system with the role of religion in less developed societies. Address that the concept of religious freedom in America led to diversity that mandated the development of laws & a legal system that respect & incorporate values from various cultures. Touch on the fact that our legal system is designed to constantly evolve (change) as our culture & society develop thereby lessening the need for any radical departure from our current form of government.

CanadianWolf

Diamond
Posts: 11413
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by CanadianWolf » Fri Oct 02, 2015 5:11 pm

One approach to consider:

During my freshman year of college, I took a three week course entitled "God in Global Landscapes" which helped me to understand and appreciate others' perspectives. This course taught me that culture, government and religious views are heavily influenced by and reflective of a society's history.

Examining various religions and cultures through readings, travel and interviews instilled in me the ability to respect diversity. My study of a variety of American communities dominated by different religions such as Evangelicals, Islam, African Pentecostalism, and Chinese Christianity, led me to appreciate further the thread that holds American society together despite its religious and cultural diversity. Travelling to various religious sites and interviewing leaders and followers of several different faiths opened my eyes to the importance of embracing diversity and tolerating different religions.

[Detail your travel experiences & travel plans in this section.]

My new found appreciation of diversity as reflected in one's culture & religious beliefs led to a deep respect for the American legal system which views all as equal and is flexible enough to accommodate everyone and every situation regardless of differing backgrounds.

Scalvert

Silver
Posts: 634
Joined: Sat Feb 28, 2015 10:40 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by Scalvert » Fri Oct 02, 2015 5:21 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:One approach to consider:

During my freshman year of college, I took a three week course entitled "God in Global Landscapes" which helped me to understand and appreciate others' perspectives. This course taught me that culture, government and religious views are heavily influenced by and reflective of a society's history.

Examining various religions and cultures through readings, travel and interviews instilled in me the ability to respect diversity. My study of a variety of American communities dominated by different religions such as Evangelicals, Islam, African Pentecostalism, and Chinese Christianity, led me to appreciate further the thread that holds American society together despite its religious and cultural diversity. Travelling to various religious sites and interviewing leaders and followers of several different faiths opened my eyes to the importance of embracing diversity and tolerating different religions.

[Detail your travel experiences & travel plans in this section.]

My new found appreciation of diversity as reflected in one's culture & religious beliefs led to a deep respect for the American legal system which views all as equal and is flexible enough to accommodate everyone and every situation regardless of differing backgrounds.
This is an excellent suggestion.

nicolelaine

New
Posts: 13
Joined: Fri Sep 25, 2015 11:41 pm

Re: Personal statement-- help?

Post by nicolelaine » Fri Oct 02, 2015 10:25 pm

Thank you all so much!!

Seriously? What are you waiting for?

Now there's a charge.
Just kidding ... it's still FREE!


Post Reply

Return to “Law School Personal Statements”