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I think this topic is very negative, a lot of pointing out your flaws and your big epiphany is to research cases (something you should've already been doing!) Overall this PS makes you sound weak

Sorry but hope that helps

Thanks guys!
I was inspired to write about this experience after reading a sample, very similar to my topic, getting so many positive feedbacks from TLS.
I do wonder if it's the way I executed it or just a very subjective standard from individuals.



If time permits, would anybody help to edit the paper above for any grammatical errors?
I won't be using this topic anyways but I would really like to learn what my mistakes were.


I would really appreciate it if someone can do that for me. I

Didn't think it was as bad as the two above said it was.

If there's a way you can frame it, without lying or exaggerating, into "this wasn't what I signed up for, but I made the best of it" I think it could work (i.e. you thought "business development coordinator" meant one thing but it was just a fancy title for telemarketer, so you adapted successfully and grew from the experience). That way you don't have to play up your inexperience so much and you can focus on what really matters, your development.

Or if that's not the case, you could double down: "I wasn't initially qualified for this job, but I adapted etc." Again, "not qualified" means your skill-set didn't match up, not that you're lazy, careless, or just shit at everything. Maybe focus on one or two issues that you dealt with. I imagine this is what you were going for, so cut out most of the self-deprecation and keep a single, focused thread going: this was job, this was the issue, and this is how I dealt with it.

Showing your ability to self-reflect and admit your faults definitely isn't a dull PS; regardless of quality, most PS's seem to be either sob or savior stories (in each case the author is never at fault). Showing the (calculated) crack in your facade allows you to be candid, humorous, and unique.

This is not a law school PS. Your writing consists of boring & seemingly endless ramblings about your job as a telemarketer. There is no substantive theme & no meaningful insights are shared. This is an example of an essay that could harm your chances of admission to law school. Please start over as this was painful (gave me a slight headache) to read.

@ Kinky John
Yes, I applied to be entry-level paralegal/receptionist not as a business coordinator. The job description was far from what I expected. The girl who was the coordinator AND the director quit so I basically took charge of their roles.

I guess the way I wrote it just sounds like a silly and simple job of calling people and selling things. I thought it was a unique topic... (Clients getting mad at you for talking about their lawsuits and the attorneys getting angry on the other end for not bringing them work. In the end, I got used to it and got better/confident at what I was doing by being more knowledgeable which brought more successful results).

Either ways, I don't know if this topic could be written more interestingly or just flat out a bad topic. But I am discouraged to even rewrite this with so many negative feedbacks so I will just resort to a new topic. I initially wrote about domestic violence but didn't want the admission people to know (the change that they would point out and say he/she domestically abused) and thought it was too much... Would it be?

Thanks everyone.

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Anonymous User wrote:@ Kinky John
Yes, I applied to be entry-level paralegal/receptionist not as a business coordinator. The job description was far from what I expected. The girl who was the coordinator AND the director quit so I basically took charge of their roles.

I guess the way I wrote it just sounds like a silly and simple job of calling people and selling things. I thought it was a unique topic... (Clients getting mad at you for talking about their lawsuits and the attorneys getting angry on the other end for not bringing them work. In the end, I got used to it and got better/confident at what I was doing by being more knowledgeable which brought more successful results).

Either ways, I don't know if this topic could be written more interestingly or just flat out a bad topic. But I am discouraged to even rewrite this with so many negative feedbacks so I will just resort to a new topic. I initially wrote about domestic violence but didn't want the admission people to know (the change that they would point out and say he/she domestically abused) and thought it was too much... Would it be?

Thanks everyone.

Did you post a version of the domestic abuse PS here?

@Scalvert

Yes, I did on another post. I am still editing that one! You posted some advice for that one! Thanks. I will soon upload a second draft.

I wrote this one up just in case my sexual/domestic violence essay would be too much without it being nicely written. I thought I shouldn't write about it if it can't be delivered to the readers well. I also thought it would be weird knowing that the admissions know something about me (although I doubt that they would even remember after reading so many of them).