Personal Statement Feedback - What to cut? Forum

sorry4lurking · Post by **sorry4lurking** » Mon Sep 21, 2015 10:49 am

deleted, thanks guys

benwyatt · Post by **benwyatt** » Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:23 am

Post removed.

cheesy145 · Post by **cheesy145** » Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:40 am

I agree with Ben. The tone is off in that you sound like you think you're above disadvantaged people and you look down and pity them (probably not true but it sounds that way). I also think the rich person meets disadvantagd person and recognizes their privilege story has been told a lot. I would try making it more unique. Also take out the word "voiceless" it sounds clique and insincere.

sorry4lurking · Post by **sorry4lurking** » Mon Sep 21, 2015 12:00 pm

cheesy145 · Post by **cheesy145** » Mon Sep 21, 2015 12:30 pm

I think that narrative could work with some language change and maybe focus on how the eyesight is significant and could hinder him from future opportunities.

I think also if you took out the part about your mom.and talked about one of your internships it could be a solidPS. It would flow like you saw a problem (eyetest) and here's how I worked to a solution (internship)

Personal Statement Feedback - What to cut? Forum

Personal Statement Feedback - What to cut?

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