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Thanks.

2nd paragraph, sentence two, change "woman" to "women." Also you might phrase it, "Through talking with other women....and supporting them..." (Instead of being a support to them).

" I wanted to become an attorney to help those who...."

"....successfully completed my undergraduate degree in psychology and learned about human behavior on a deeper level."

Change "being able to take courses..." to " Taking courses in....has helped me understand the impact those issues have on individuals and on our society as a whole."

Change last sentence of next to last paragraph: "...has provided me with ample resources which I am able to share..."

After this ^ sentence, tell about an instance of you helping someone. Explain how your knowledge benefited that person.

Delete "as an attorney" in the first sentence of last paragraph.

"...take back their lost power." ("In the course of their predicament" is not something anyone would ever say).

Delete "After researching my career options"

Add a couple of sentences about that particular domestic violence program.

Delete next to last sentence and change "ski" to "sky."

I'm not a fan of the beginning...seems too cliqued and sets it up like you're gonna tell a story that you never do. Also I don't think the physics/space theme does anything other than take away space you could show the reader about your qualifications which you don't really establish. The questions about the point of life also seem too cliqued and insincere.

Cheesy makes a good point. There is far too much emphasis on the intro; all you seem to need it for is as a reference for your final sentence. If you want to keep it, work a little on transitioning from that to domestic violence. You mention that you are not someone who "has gone through simple things," maybe add to that a little ( being a physics major doesn't really count).

I will take all of your suggestions and do more with it. I am a Domestic violence survivor and I want to mention it without really going into it. This is my motivation on my choice to go to law school along with my helping others. I can definitely add an example of how I helped someone to kind of deflect the attention away from what I went through.

the physics/law school thing- I was trying to show that both things, in my opinion, require logic and analytical skills and also problem solving skills to name a few things. If I choose to delete that all together, would you suggest I use that space explaining my experience helping others?

I would obviously rearrange the order then to make it flow better.

Check your PMs

I have a suggestion on how you might keep the some of the intro.

Scalvert wrote:Check your PMs

I have a suggestion on how you might keep the some of the intro.

Ok. I will check.

I would def delete the physics angle to focus more on personal experience. I understand not wanting to get too much into DV personal experiences because you want a positive PS but this draft only hints that you are a survivor yourself which makes it kinda confusing and it would help highlighting overcoming a struggle if you made it more stated. If you have physics in your resume the law schools will know you have the skills
I think this could be a stong PS but its not now because you half commit to two completely different ideas that dont mix

The intro is way too long and cliche in my opinion. Nevertheless, it has momentum and then there is a dramatic U-turn as you go into domestic violence. Scratch the intro in my opinion and focus on the second paragraph.

I see that now. Thanks for all the feedback. I will be doing another draft tonight and will see what I can do.