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Hi there everyone,

I've been reading tons of stuff on this forum over this last year, haven't posted anything yet though. I'm just getting geared up to start submitting apps in the next couple of weeks and was wondering if I could get some help on my personal statement. FYI I am (was) an English major, so if the statement seems a little abstract its partly on purpose as hopefully something that helps differentiate my statement from others and partly a result of my writing style. This is far from a final draft, but I would greatly appreciate any comments. Thanks!

I recall in the days of my youth being perplexed by the seeming redundancy expressed in the emphasis to ‘make my voice heard.’ I didn’t understand how my voice could fail to be noticeably present in something that was a fruit of my own intellectual labors, after all, I was the one assembling this particular sequence of words in order to express my intended meaning. The vocal and the authorial voice were, excepting the medium over which they were expressed, indistinct to me as communicative devices. It is only after years of poring over various literary texts as my academic coursework and personal interests (not incongruently, I might add) mandated that I began to hear the voice transcending the ink on the page. I realized that a voice in this sense is comprised of the tones, the motivations, the opinions and emotions that are reflected in every single thought imparted to the audience, forming a rich tapestry that expresses something that altogether separates and defines the person from whom it springs.
We were all born with a voice, but for many our solitary seed of expression becomes buried and suffocated under tons of rubble in the form of prejudice and the immense, constant pressure to harmonize with a standard of normativity. While this burgeoning sapling might retain some diminished vigor, it is only through incredible effort and favorable circumstance that it might break forth from the overhead obstruction and truly blossom into a healthy, vibrant existence. If this voice fails to develop, we have no means to make ourselves heard, and if we are restrained by silence we have no way of inserting ourselves into the fabric of humanity in any meaningful way. Communication lacking a voice is hollow and lacks the capacity to influence or transform (thought)I would like to share with you how I was able to realize my voice.
We want a career that has the potential to go beyond merely fulfilling our base needs financially, we want a career that inspires us, that enables us to add something of consequence to the world; a career that makes us happy. Our society seems to have this collective dream consisting of a well-paying, stable, humanitarian job that supports a loving family of four. With no other inclinations, I subscribed to this seemingly idyllic plan for life following the blameless advice of my counselors and family members to pursue a career in the medical field. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this life plan, I’m certain that it has brought happiness to a great many, but I realized that it wasn’t my dream. During my first year of collegiate studies, I found myself plagued with an enervating apathy that extended into nearly every sphere of my life. My passivity was my ruin. The chances of stumbling upon whatever it was that I craved was next to none if I never actively sought it out and delved within myself to discover it. What resulted was a drastic shift from a career-centric plan of study to one dictated by personal interest; against the strong influences of practicality, I became an English major.
Through the intense study and analysis of some of the greatest works of literature that mankind has produced, I became exposed to fascinating ideas and systems of ideology that incessantly worked to wear away at my passive indifference. I soon found myself actively involved and, better yet, intellectually stimulated out of the dormancy that had clouded my mind. The advantages of steering a purposeful course in life’s current rather than aimlessly staying afloat became apparent to me. My newfound intellectual fervor was only amplified when I left the comforts of my lifelong Indiana home for the rambling metropolis of Rome for my semester in Italy. The culture shift allowed me access to ways of living that I had never experienced, or even considered beyond a shallow, short-lived musing from across the vast curtain of the Atlantic. I walked amidst real poverty and rubbed shoulders with problems and perspectives that I had been sheltered from previously. Humanity came to be viewed as a complex network of individuals fighting tooth and nail for a fair shake rather than a massed entity that was decidedly ‘other.’ I found empathy alongside exuberance and realized I could find immense fulfillment, maybe even happiness, using my efforts and abilities to effect real, positive change on an individual level. It is my earnest hope that law school will enable me to further hone my voice and, upon graduation, open access to pathways that will allow me to utilize it to the utmost capacity.

There are some beautiful lines hidden away in this essay:

"Against the strong influences of practicality, I became an English major."
"With no other inclinations, I subscribed to this seemingly idyllic plan for life following the blameless advice of my counselors and family members."
"My passivity was my ruin."
"The advantages of steering a purposeful course in life’s current rather than aimlessly staying afloat became apparent to me."

Now you've got all the long words out of your system, please re-write this concisely and in a more lawyerly fashion. The theme of developing your voice is very common, and excess verbosity is not going to set your essay apart in the way you want it to.

Also, Rome is a wealthy european capital city - probably not the best example to give for 'walking amidst real poverty'.

Sorry to be blunt. Good luck with your next draft!

Probably the worst law school personal statement that I have ever read. Try to write in crisp, clear & concise sentences.

P.S. I'd love to read your Yale 250 essay.

I'm not an English major, but economy was stressed in every writing course I ever took. TBH, I didn't want to continue after the first couple of sentences, but don't let our criticism discourage you. Put your red pen to work and post a second draft.

OP: Your proposed law school PS may actually lower your chances of admission. Verbosity & flowery language are not favored in the legal profession nor in law school. Nor are they substitutes for depth of thought & clarity of expression.

A better approach: Write in a clear & concise fashion about an experience which has affected your development. Share critical insights about that experience that led you to certain conclusions or raised additional questions.

OP: I've condensed your four paragraphs as follows :

When I was young, I was advised to "make my voice heard".

We were all born with a voice, but for some our primary form of expression is suppressed in an effort to conform to the standard of normalcy.

I want a career that will change the world.

Once I left the comforts of Indiana, I realized that there are real problems that need solutions. I want to use my talents to effect real, positive change. Hopefully, a legal education will enable me to do so.

Yeah looking back over it after your comments I can definitely see what you're all talking about. I think I briefly looked at what I should be writing about and more or less wrote it without regard to style. Glad I got this feedback sooner rather than later. I don't really have that one defining experience that I can instantly point to and say "This moment changed my life" or "this is what made me want to go to law school." So I guess my next question is: Is the topic itself worth the substantial overhaul or should I just scrap the whole thing and start fresh? I plan on reading the personal statement guide a little more thoroughly and get a better idea of exactly how to write this thing.

I have comments about language and writing style, but I'll save those, as I think you need to change your content completely.

Law school personal statements should be reasons an admissions officer should admit you. You should provide concrete examples and reasons. For instance, you could write about a significant obstacle you overcame and how you overcame it. You could write about a significant achievement and what you learned from it and how that will make you a good addition to the class. You could write about a specific experience that made you want to be an attorney and why that makes you unique from other applicant.

The moral of the story is you need to SHOW an admissions committee why you should be admitted through specific narrative examples. Right now, you just kind of have a bunch of long sentences that tell us nothing about who you are, what you've accomplished, and why they should let you in.

thetruth7667 wrote:Yeah looking back over it after your comments I can definitely see what you're all talking about. I think I briefly looked at what I should be writing about and more or less wrote it without regard to style. Glad I got this feedback sooner rather than later. I don't really have that one defining experience that I can instantly point to and say "This moment changed my life" or "this is what made me want to go to law school." So I guess my next question is: Is the topic itself worth the substantial overhaul or should I just scrap the whole thing and start fresh? I plan on reading the personal statement guide a little more thoroughly and get a better idea of exactly how to write this thing.

Start fresh. You don't have to have a "this changed my life" story. But you certainly need to have some kind of story.

Do you have a hobby - anything you tried because it looked interesting but that you were not initially good at: painting, weightlifting, running, etc...? You could explain why it interests you, how perseverance led you to success, what it taught you about yourself and gave you the desire to help others.

Pretty much everyone has overcome some sort of obstacle in life: poverty, bullying, fear of public speaking, physical disability; you don't need to have been a political refugee or anything - you can write about overcoming something that was difficult for you personally. You just need to be concise and focus on what you want AdComms to learn about you.

The focus is not only on what you wish to share with law school admissions officers, but also on how you reflected on a past experience & what you learned from that experience (can be conclusive or can raise issues = conclusions learned or questions raised as a result of your reflection).

Scalvert wrote:Do you have a hobby - anything you tried because it looked interesting but that you were not initially good at: painting, weightlifting, running, etc...? You could explain why it interests you, how perseverance led you to success, what it taught you about yourself and gave you the desire to help others.

Pretty much everyone has overcome some sort of obstacle in life: poverty, bullying, fear of public speaking, physical disability; you don't need to have been a political refugee or anything - you can write about overcoming something that was difficult for you personally. You just need to be concise and focus on what you want AdComms to learn about you.

Yeah I taught myself to play several instruments and those were tough to stick with at the beginning. Or I could write about how much I struggled learning a foreign language. I might try to tie that in with, and expound upon, the apathy problem I mentioned in the original statement and how going abroad for a semester helped shake me out of it. I think I might have some concrete examples I could include there also. I'll do some pre-writing tonight and see which topic starts to distinguish itself.

thetruth7667 wrote:

Scalvert wrote:Do you have a hobby - anything you tried because it looked interesting but that you were not initially good at: painting, weightlifting, running, etc...? You could explain why it interests you, how perseverance led you to success, what it taught you about yourself and gave you the desire to help others.

Pretty much everyone has overcome some sort of obstacle in life: poverty, bullying, fear of public speaking, physical disability; you don't need to have been a political refugee or anything - you can write about overcoming something that was difficult for you personally. You just need to be concise and focus on what you want AdComms to learn about you.

Yeah I taught myself to play several instruments and those were tough to stick with at the beginning. Or I could write about how much I struggled learning a foreign language. I might try to tie that in with, and expound upon, the apathy problem I mentioned in the original statement and how going abroad for a semester helped shake me out of it. I think I might have some concrete examples I could include there also. I'll do some pre-writing tonight and see which topic starts to distinguish itself.

Just remember that you have two pages, and you are Hemingway, not Hardy. (I remember a little from English!)

This is a personal statement for law school, not an English paper. Abandon the prose and write about an experience or a passion in a clear manner. How is this essay going to compel a T14 to want YOU at their school? You want to enact change. That's great, but so do many people.