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1) avoid using contractions in formal writing ("don't = do not")
2) use more natural sounding words instead of stuff like "exuberate"
3) avoid talking about mental health issues in your PS
4) avoid drawing attention to your bad GPA in your PS. you can write a separate short addendum for this
5) this is a pretty uninteresting essay overall. you have the seeds for interesting stories. like coming to the US as a first gen. immigrant and the kind of cultural adjustment that entails (which you kind of wrote about here but only briefly)
6) you say you want to help and serve people. why not become a waiter then? the jump from "want to help people" to "want to go to law school" is a pretty big one that you didn't address

There are several edits that are needed, but that can come later. I think for now, you might need to tell AdComms how you made the decision to break the cycle; what precipitated this decision? Don't just say that you decided something; it's difficult to break a pattern like that, so let everyone know how you did it!

You say your desire to help others never fails to show up, so give a couple of examples. If your PS is too long, that's ok, you can figure out what to take out after you add some other things that need to be included.

This has some really good potential. But the problem is that you spend 3/4 of it (4/5 of it if we're talking paragraphs) just talking about how bad everything is and only the last paragraph talking about how you "overcame" that. I put overcame in quotes because you don't actually say what made you want to change that.
Basically what I'm saying is that you're spending too much time talking about the -s and not enough about the +s. Here's a way you could change that...

Achaudhri_ wrote: I love everything that comes with a legal career, from representing clients to the basic underpinnings of the practice. My innate desire to help and serve people never fails to show up in everything I pursue in life. Having a career in law is something that will exuberate my natural talents combined with my hard work and undying dedication.

How do you know you love everything about law?
Give an example of your innate desire to help and serve.
What natural talents?
What hard work?
What undying dedication?
You mention it but you don't talk about it.
Again, this has potential so keep at it!

I liked the first four paragraphs which detail your recognition of the cultural issue, your move to America & your understanding that moving to a free country does not necessarily free one from cultural restrictions. The first sentence of the final paragraph is fine, but the remainder of the final paragraph is weak because it lacks credibility.

P.S. I've read your PS three times. The first four paragraphs are derived from your experiences which are expressed in a sincere & heartfelt fashion. Loved "...the mental chains wrapped around my mind." The fifth paragraph needs substantial revision. It is weak because you do not adequately support your desires in a convincing manner.

Leonardo DiCaprio wrote:1) avoid using contractions in formal writing ("don't = do not")
2) use more natural sounding words instead of stuff like "exuberate"
3) avoid talking about mental health issues in your PS
4) avoid drawing attention to your bad GPA in your PS. you can write a separate short addendum for this
5) this is a pretty uninteresting essay overall. you have the seeds for interesting stories. like coming to the US as a first gen. immigrant and the kind of cultural adjustment that entails (which you kind of wrote about here but only briefly)
6) you say you want to help and serve people. why not become a waiter then? the jump from "want to help people" to "want to go to law school" is a pretty big one that you didn't address

Thank you very much!

1) All the grammatical errors will surely be fixed before I submit it
2) Hmm its hard for me not to use huge words for some reason but I will try to keep it more neutral, and "natural" as you said.
3/4) Do you recommend taking out the whole part about my mental health issues/grades? Is there any way that I can, or well should incorporate feeling under pressure and it affecting my life?
5) Do you have any suggestions for what I should incorporate about being a first gen. immigrant? I can write about my experience, but is there anything that would make me stand out more than other applicants who are also first generation immigrants?
6) Ahh okay I see what you mean, I definitely have to work on that part.

Scalvert wrote:There are several edits that are needed, but that can come later. I think for now, you might need to tell AdComms how you made the decision to break the cycle; what precipitated this decision? Don't just say that you decided something; it's difficult to break a pattern like that, so let everyone know how you did it!

You say your desire to help others never fails to show up, so give a couple of examples. If your PS is too long, that's ok, you can figure out what to take out after you add some other things that need to be included.

Hello

Definitely going to edit A LOT of things, this was something I wrote on the whim when I took a break from studying!

I see exactly what you mean, I really did not mention HOW I broke out of that pattern. I am also going to incorporate examples of how my desire to help others never fails to show up. Thank you very much!

UsernameNotFound wrote:This has some really good potential. But the problem is that you spend 3/4 of it (4/5 of it if we're talking paragraphs) just talking about how bad everything is and only the last paragraph talking about how you "overcame" that. I put overcame in quotes because you don't actually say what made you want to change that.
Basically what I'm saying is that you're spending too much time talking about the -s and not enough about the +s. Here's a way you could change that...

Achaudhri_ wrote: I love everything that comes with a legal career, from representing clients to the basic underpinnings of the practice. My innate desire to help and serve people never fails to show up in everything I pursue in life. Having a career in law is something that will exuberate my natural talents combined with my hard work and undying dedication.

How do you know you love everything about law?
Give an example of your innate desire to help and serve.
What natural talents?
What hard work?
What undying dedication?
You mention it but you don't talk about it.
Again, this has potential so keep at it!

Now that you mention it, I see how it does ring a very negative tone and not so much of the positive!
Thank you for your suggestions, they are very helpful! Especially because I don't have a problem elaborating on things, but starting or coming up with stuff to include can be difficult for me.

Do you suggest taking any of the first few more negative paragraphs out? because I am going to add a few paragraphs about the positive stuff and maybe it will balance out or hmm what do you suggest?

CanadianWolf wrote:I liked the first four paragraphs which detail your recognition of the cultural issue, your move to America & your understanding that moving to a free country does not necessarily free one from cultural restrictions. The first sentence of the final paragraph is fine, but the remainder of the final paragraph is weak because it lacks credibility.

P.S. I've read your PS three times. The first four paragraphs are derived from your experiences which are expressed in a sincere & heartfelt fashion. Loved "...the mental chains wrapped around my mind." The fifth paragraph needs substantial revision. It is weak because you do not adequately support your desires in a convincing manner.

Thank you, that definitely means a lot! This was more of a rough draft for me. I had no problem completely changing my topic and starting all over if needed.. so now I know that if i decide to keep this, I can improve it a whole lot!

The last paragraph and the positive aspects are something I will talk about more when I do a revision. I tried to make it heartfelt and personal, but did not plan on making the tone completely depressing either lol. I am going to try and balance that!

Achaudhri_ wrote:

Scalvert wrote:There are several edits that are needed, but that can come later. I think for now, you might need to tell AdComms how you made the decision to break the cycle; what precipitated this decision? Don't just say that you decided something; it's difficult to break a pattern like that, so let everyone know how you did it!

You say your desire to help others never fails to show up, so give a couple of examples. If your PS is too long, that's ok, you can figure out what to take out after you add some other things that need to be included.

Hello

Definitely going to edit A LOT of things, this was something I wrote on the whim when I took a break from studying!

I see exactly what you mean, I really did not mention HOW I broke out of that pattern. I am also going to incorporate examples of how my desire to help others never fails to show up. Thank you very much!

Concerning your earlier question about depression - I had to remove similar information from my PS. Just reword it so that it comes across as a "difficulty" and not a mental illness. Change it to something like: "Throughout my time as an undergrad, I struggled with the pressure and guilt of not wanting to conform to my father’s wishes."