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The reason that you are having difficulty may be due to the lack of a clear theme.

The beginning of this essay does make me wonder whether you should plan to take a year or two off from school before taking the JD route. The impetus to write about high school, and the topic of mock trial, both imply that you might need some more life in your life experience. Why do you want to go to law school?

Your sentence structure could use some work. Almost every sentence functions the same way. You've taken some fact or comment, pulled it to the front of the sentence, thrown a comma in, and then moved on. Try to be more direct.

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Because it's important, however, your sentence structure could use some work. Functioning very similarly, the sentences started to seem the same. Taking some fact or comment, you have rearranged each sentence. Having read it out loud, I suggest that you be more direct.

Do you see what I'm saying? You're trying to cram so much into each sentence that it disrupts the flow. You don't need to use so many appositives and throw-away phrases.

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