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Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 1:39 pm
by Anonymous User
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Re: Brand New PS - Work Experience

Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:09 pm
by Widdle_Dumpling
1. You have a lot of adverbs--I get the temptation to use them, but I'd go through and edit a few out. In your first paragraph, one of the sentences has the word "definitely" twice.
2. Maybe tone down the talk about how you're not union material? Just so you don't come off as "I'm the best of the best, and I'd like to help all those poor souls out there who can't help themselves~" (Congrats on doing so well, btw.)
3. I think I would strengthen what your dissent actually did, and cut a bit of the buildup to the propaganda video. Instead of saying that you gave your co-workers courage, use the extra space show that you did.
Good luck!

Post removed.

Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:29 pm
by benwyatt
Post removed.

Re: Brand New PS - Work Experience

Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 3:27 pm
by CanadianWolf
Fairly strong PS. Really enjoyable to read. Shows real world experience--although a bit light on insights.

Re: Brand New PS - Work Experience

Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 3:37 pm
by CanadianWolf
This PS shares more than one message, however. Some may view it as a "loose cannon" episode detailing the arrogant actions of a successful employee who chose to bite the hand that feeds him. Some do not react kindly to unionization efforts. Probably much less of an issue with respect to law school adcomms than in the real world of business. This is the primary reason that, if you go with this theme, you should share more depth of your knowledge & insights gained from this experience, in my opinion.

Re: Brand New PS - Work Experience

Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 4:44 pm
by Scalvert
I would delete the first paragraph and intro with the second. The AdComms don't need backstory. I also agree with Canadian Wolf's last comment; just adding even a couple of sentences like that would help a great deal.

Re: Brand New PS - Work Experience

Posted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 6:28 pm
by debdeb2
This PS has two clear ideas - "ambition" and "maverick." It's a risky topic because it deals with union busting, and specifically calls out a corporation's behavior. This essay throws a lot of 'tude. It has a strong voice and perspective. It does read as a revenge narrative, but in a "fight for the people" sort of way.

The first paragraph is the weakest - you don't need most of it. The last sentence of the first paragraph could perhaps be salvaged and used elsewhere.

It's not a nuanced essay, true. It hammers home its point, and in that way communicates that you are a candidate who is brash and forthright. That is also a risk - the "best essays," as represented by what law schools release as samples, are typically softer and friendlier. But I can't help imagining what this candidate would be like in negotiations, or in a courtroom. You come across as someone who is fundamentally persuasive.

If this is a reflection of who you are, this essay is fine to send out - (Berkeley, NYU?) I don't know what tier you're aiming for. It certainly seems possible that you would be taking Labor courses with future union busters at some of the more conservative schools. Which perhaps would come in handy.

If you wanted to aim for more nuance, you'd want to show more of your thinking around labor relations - not just that you were put off by the tactics of management, but that through your own consequent research you realized how useful unions can be in terms of negotiation power, or what have you. Right now your main argument seems to be "these dudes were condescending and lying to me and the staff, so screw them, let's speak up." But if you've looked into labor relations, I'm assuming you have opinions on whether the minimum wage should be indexed to inflation, or whether paid sick leave should be mandatory, and what union busting tactics should result in some courtroom time, etc etc.

I'm not saying you should take a specific stand on any of these issues in your essay; I'm saying that there is a way for you to show the adcomms that you've been thinking deeply on these issues, and that is what leads you to the law. If you've perused ACLU cases, or famous cases such as Lochner v. New York or NLRB v. Jones & Laughlin Steel Corp., all the better. The idea behind reading all of this stuff is that it creates a sort of "mental backbone" from which you can pull ideas and language when you're working on your revisions. Even all of the news about Uber drivers flying around right now would probably provide some backstory and language for you to ponder, and pull from.

Best of luck this cycle -d

Re: Brand New PS - Work Experience

Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 9:49 pm
by Anonymous User
Thanks for the feedback everyone! I will make my revisions and post the 2nd draft shortly.