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Hello All!

I finally finished writing my draft. Please critique as harshly as you want. A couple areas I am aware that I need to put some more tlc into are transitions and my not good last paragraph. As per the usual, please don't quote. Also PM me if you would like to exchange. Thanks!

Edit: Thanks for the help guys. I got some great comments on where to focus to clean this up!

Why not just ask your co-worker how he or she obtained the data ?

CanadianWolf wrote:Why not just ask your co-worker how he or she obtained the data ?

Eh.. there's more to the specifics as to how it was acquired and who the coworker was. I left out some of those details as they felt extraneous

My point in posing the question is that this inquiry overwhelms your PS. Essentially, in my opinion, you portray yourself as one who makes a mountain out of a molehill. In short, not an effective law school PS.

CanadianWolf wrote:My point in posing the question is that this inquiry overwhelms your PS. Essentially, in my opinion, you portray yourself as one who makes a mountain out of a molehill. In short, not an effective law school PS.

That makes sense, on a previous draft I had the extra detail as to why the situation was not a "molehill". I will probably go back to that version. I changed it to a more general description to avoid identifying information. Thanks for the feedback.

It took me a couple of reads to really understand what was happening in the essay. The first paragraph is the weakest in that regard - it was hard to tell that you were giving deep thought to your ethical obligations because there was so much explanation about where the data had come from. I would recommend reframing the introduction by eliding as many of the "my coworkers" as you can, and instead focusing on your own thoughts and actions. "I had been handed dubious data. I analyzed the data and its probable source and concluded XYZ. I discussed my concerns with a colleague. I weighed our options. I decided to write a report detailing my concerns."

you have some comma splices and awkward sentence constructions. I recommend reading your essay aloud, or having someone read it to you (or using software that will read it to you). Ears are better editors than eyes are.

comma splice -

After class I was angry, I had referenced...

You could put a period there, or a semi-colon there, because you have two independent clauses. Generally speaking, if you're not sure if you can use a comma, try using a period. If a period technically works, grammar-wise, then a comma will not work in the same space.

The tap-tap-tap conceit, once I figured out what was happening with the ring, was actually kind of nice - it was a sound that anchored an image that anchored an idea that resonated with your theme. Nicely done.

Best of luck

debdeb2 wrote:It took me a couple of reads to really understand what was happening in the essay. The first paragraph is the weakest in that regard - it was hard to tell that you were giving deep thought to your ethical obligations because there was so much explanation about where the data had come from. I would recommend reframing the introduction by eliding as many of the "my coworkers" as you can, and instead focusing on your own thoughts and actions. "I had been handed dubious data. I analyzed the data and its probable source and concluded XYZ. I discussed my concerns with a colleague. I weighed our options. I decided to write a report detailing my concerns."

you have some comma splices and awkward sentence constructions. I recommend reading your essay aloud, or having someone read it to you (or using software that will read it to you). Ears are better editors than eyes are.

comma splice -

After class I was angry, I had referenced...

You could put a period there, or a semi-colon there, because you have two independent clauses. Generally speaking, if you're not sure if you can use a comma, try using a period. If a period technically works, grammar-wise, then a comma will not work in the same space.

The tap-tap-tap conceit, once I figured out what was happening with the ring, was actually kind of nice - it was a sound that anchored an image that anchored an idea that resonated with your theme. Nicely done.

Best of luck

Thank you for taking the time to read through. I really appreciate the comments!