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Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 5:27 pm
by libertttarian
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Re: PS Draft - Anecdote too long, too "personal"? Come off as self-centered?
Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 7:30 pm
by Scalvert
I'm not sure about this either. It feels almost like two essays that you tried to glue together in the middle. I liked the story about you and your dad, but when you started explaining your emotions after the fight, I think you did it through the eyes of an adult. I doubt you analyzed the situation in that manner at the age of four.
I would also say to make it sound more conversational. I felt like you were writing to impress rather than inform. I don't think you sounded self-centered, "unnatural" might be a better word. Maybe give it another go and write the latter half more as if you were telling these things to someone you were comfortable speaking to.
Re: PS Draft - Anecdote too long, too "personal"? Come off as self-centered?
Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2015 7:31 pm
by libertttarian
Scalvert wrote:I'm not sure about this either. It feels almost like two essays that you tried to glue together in the middle. I liked the story about you and your dad, but when you started explaining your emotions after the fight, I think you did it through the eyes of an adult. I doubt you analyzed the situation in that manner at the age of four.
I would also say to make it sound more conversational. I felt like you were writing to impress rather than inform. I don't think you sounded self-centered, "unnatural" might be a better word. Maybe give it another go and write the latter half more as if you were telling these things to someone you were comfortable speaking to.
Yeah I was thinking something like that as well. Thanks man