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Thank you for the feedback.

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3.07

A couple of things:

First, I'd scrap the first sentence and find another way to lead into it. At least to me, it seems a little bit weird to start out that way. This is very nit-picky, but I also think saying that you're "notifying" them sounds a bit too... authoritative, I guess? I can't put my finger on it, but it doesn't sit right with me.

I would also consider being more vague about your grandfather-in-law. I absolutely understand that you can form strong bonds with distant relatives and respect that his illness and death affected you, but if I were an adcomm officer I might find the apparent distance of your relationship to sort of weaken/water down your justification. Maybe try saying "relative" instead?

Good luck!

barley wrote:A couple of things:

First, I'd scrap the first sentence and find another way to lead into it. At least to me, it seems a little bit weird to start out that way. This is very nit-picky, but I also think saying that you're "notifying" them sounds a bit too... authoritative, I guess? I can't put my finger on it, but it doesn't sit right with me.

I would also consider being more vague about your grandfather-in-law. I absolutely understand that you can form strong bonds with distant relatives and respect that his illness and death affected you, but if I were an adcomm officer I might find the apparent distance of your relationship to sort of weaken/water down your justification. Maybe try saying "relative" instead?

Good luck!

I agree with the notifying comment. It sounds a bit... stiff, as well.