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Edit: Thanks for your help everyone!

First, I think this is a really strong essay. You spend just enough of it going through the event itself before transitioning to what you've done to deal with living with it.

The only real complaint I have is that so many colons and semi-colons just looks a bit odd to me. I'm actually pretty sure your usage is correct, but I'm just not used to reading so many in such a short essay.

As I said, the content is good. I'd just have your writing center (if you're still in school) proof read it for comma usage because you have some long sentences in there. Otherwise good job.

Post removed.

Companion Cube wrote:The only real complaint I have is that so many colons and semi-colons just looks a bit odd to me. I'm actually pretty sure your usage is correct, but I'm just not used to reading so many in such a short essay.

Thanks for your reply, I agree - ten semi-colons and colons is a bit excessive. I've reduced the number to seven (& updated the above draft), hopefully it reads better now. Any further cuts may cause me physical pain

benwyatt wrote:I remember your last draft and I definitely think this one is much stronger.
I'm at work right now so I don't have the time to give good, substantive feedback, but I wanted to let you know that you've shown a real improvement from your last draft!

Thanks! I'm glad you think so.