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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 2:54 pm
by benwyatt
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Re: Personal Statement opening paragraph - be honest
Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 3:03 pm
by SeattleStudent
I think this is great. I'd keep reading.
Re: Personal Statement opening paragraph - be honest
Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 3:50 pm
by Quippy
I would definitely keep reading. In terms of storytelling, I think it might be more effective to start with the action (the questions themselves or saying the questions were routine) because the audience won't care who the man is or why he's visiting unless they know why they should. If they have to catch up, they'll be more invested. The entire second half is excellent, though, and the last bit is perfect.
Re: Personal Statement opening paragraph - be honest
Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:33 pm
by CanadianWolf
Great beginning--but that could change depending upon the rest of the story.
Re: Personal Statement opening paragraph - be honest
Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:38 pm
by TheSpanishMain
It's very good, although I'm hoping it's not building to an "I AM hungry...for a legal education!" moment
Re: Personal Statement opening paragraph - be honest
Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:42 pm
by CanadianWolf
Pretty sure that's where it is headed--unfortunately.
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 5:57 pm
by benwyatt
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Re: Personal Statement opening paragraph - be honest
Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 6:19 pm
by shump92
I like the topic in the intro but some of the wordiness feels a bit weird. You are talking about being 8, but have phrases including "answered in the affirmative" and "without a moment of contemplation". I would recommend trying to simplify the language, especially because this is your childhood experience and that vocabulary feels unnatural. Good start though.
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Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2015 8:36 pm
by benwyatt
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